Spoiled daughters visit

[Wifey1]

My daughter visited yesterday for lunch but after a short time husband was looking daggers with miserable face, hardly joined in chat, v sulky. Did try to include him , but little response. When she had gone, said accusingly that I spent all the time talking to her, ignoring him. Cross that "she's just talking about herself, she knows everything, and I'm not interested and fed up with it". How hurtful. I love visitors and chatting. He says when people come everyone just talks all the time!! So unfair. Wont t tell daughter, too hurtful. Soon no one will want to visit.

 

[Grannie G]

This is tough for you @Wifey1

It`s possible your husband is now unable to follow a conversation and feels left out if two people in the room are talking to each other and not directly to him.

Your daughter may have tried to include him but it wasn`t successful. I`m not faulting either of you. It does happen that visitors often cause more trouble than you`d expect.

When our son used to visit, we ended up talking to each other no matter how much we tried to include my husband.

Fortunately, my husband adored our son so was just happy to be with him.

 

[Kath610]

Hello @Wifey1 , my husband(now in a care home) was exactly the same and I'm sure other people who see your post will say the same. It's another characteristic of dementia.
My husband would sit mute and sulking when other people visited then be nasty about them afterwards and nasty to me, saying exactly the things you said in your post. I just said"Well I like to see (whoever it was), they came to see both of us and I hope they'll come again" It's no good trying to reason or contradict the unkind things he says about your daughter and she certainly doesn't need to know.
I think all the unpleasant behaviour and nastiness came from my husband's confusion and frustration at not being able to understand and keep up with the conversation going on around him. He couldn't take part because he couldn't follow it and maybe anything he did say didn't make sense so people didn't know how to respond. And typical of dementia, once the person had gone, the anger and frustration was taken out on me, to cover his own upset . He used to say really nasty things about our sons, grandchildren and friends after they had visited but I have never told them.
You're right though, some people will not visit because they feel awkward and can't cope, but that's their problem, not yours. But most will - they will visit to see YOU because they love you and are concerned about you and they see something of what you are having to cope with. This is what one of our very good and best friends told me.
Everyone who comes to your house knows about your husband and his dementia and if they don't, let them know beforehand. Once people know the problem, they will allow for it and they have the advantage of being able to go home again afterwards.
I hope this helps to reassure you xx

 

[Wifey1]

Hello @Wifey1 , my husband(now in a care home) was exactly the same and I'm sure other people who see your post will say the same. It's another characteristic of dementia.
My husband would sit mute and sulking when other people visited then be nasty about them afterwards and nasty to me, saying exactly the things you said in your post. I just said"Well I like to see (whoever it was), they came to see both of us and I hope they'll come again" It's no good trying to reason or contradict the unkind things he says about your daughter and she certainly doesn't need to know.
I think all the unpleasant behaviour and nastiness came from my husband's confusion and frustration at not being able to understand and keep up with the conversation going on around him. He couldn't take part because he couldn't follow it and maybe anything he did say didn't make sense so people didn't know how to respond. And typical of dementia, once the person had gone, the anger and frustration was taken out on me, to cover his own upset . He used to say really nasty things about our sons, grandchildren and friends after they had visited but I have never told them.
You're right though, some people will not visit because they feel awkward and can't cope, but that's their problem, not yours. But most will - they will visit to see YOU because they love you and are concerned about you and they see something of what you are having to cope with. This is what one of our very good and best friends told me.
Everyone who comes to your house knows about your husband and his dementia and if they don't, let them know beforehand. Once people know the problem, they will allow for it and they have the advantage of being able to go home again afterwards.
I hope this helps to reassure you xx

Thank you so much, I will keep telling myself that it not his fault!! As you say, visitors know the situation. Reading this forum, things are a lot worse for so many people!!!! I will keep trying to include him in conversation.