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Some questions....

Teal212

Registered User
Mar 4, 2020
11
I posted yesterday about my Gran going into hospital and then probably moving into a care home.
I haven’t spoke to her yet and I’m actually dreading it does anyone have any tips for when she possibly asks about coming home? I really don’t know what to say.
I feel she’s going to be angry with us and feel we have betrayed her.

Also in terms of a care home I don’t really know much about them can family members take them out for the day or to go on trips with us, can we take them places?
What about pets are they allowed to visit, as in dogs?
I’ll probably have more questions at some point as this is all new.
 

lemonbalm

Registered User
May 21, 2018
597
Hello @Teal212 . I am sure you will get lots of good advice on this. I would suggest referring to your Gran's move as a temporary one. Some people react better to the term "rest home". You could avoid the terms care home or rest home altogether and make it sound like a nice break for her, just refer to it as a nice place to stay. You could also say that you need to have work done on the house/flat so have arranged somewhere else for her to stay for a while. My mum has been in care for 3 years and I'm still lying to her.

Once we can all visit care homes again, you should be allowed to take your gran out whenever you like. Most welcome well behaved dogs and visitors are generally encouraged. I used to turn up every afternoon in time for the tea trolley. Routine can be useful.

It;s tricky at the moment, as we can't visit care-homes but some discourage visitors in the first few days anyway so they can settle the resident in and let them get used to the staff, routines and other residents.

Wishing you the best of luck and hope all goes well. Keep posting with any questions or concerns you have.
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
13,434
South coast
Mum moved to her care home from hospital and I used to refer to it as "convalescence", which she understood and said she could go home "when the doctor said". After a couple of months she stopped asking. Later on she started to ask about going home again, but that time she didnt mean her bungalow, she meant her childhood home which had been bombed in the war, although she thought it was still there and had all her family (by which she meant her parents and siblings, all of whom were dead) there waiting for her.
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
71,827
Kent
My experience was similar to @canary.

I told my husband the doctor wanted him to build up his strength so suggested a convalescent home. This meant the onus was on the doctor and it was out of my control.

I planned to take my husband out to the seaside but it didn`t happen. He went into residential care in the winter and by the summer was nervous about going out.

I would never have brought him home for a visit. It was too risky.

@Teal212

I would give your Gran a good few weeks to settle and then consult with the carers and manager at the home before taking your Gran out.
 

lemonbalm

Registered User
May 21, 2018
597
I should add, after reading @Grannie G 's post, that I never, ever take mum to my house. I generally stay fairly close to the care-home, a wheelchair walk along the prom, perhaps a snack in a local cafe, and only then if she is in a good mood. My brother and I have taken her out in the car to a beauty spot with a cafe occasionally.

How much you can do depends on how well your Gran settles. You'll find your own way of doing things.
 

Sirena

Registered User
Feb 27, 2018
2,292
Good advice above about telling your gran it is a temporary move - a convalescence. When I moved my mother to her care home, I told her she was going on a weekend break - that was two years ago. I couldn't use the 'convalescence' story as she wasn't physically ill. Say whatever your gran will find easiest to accept and least distressing. And most importantly, try to sound positive and cheerful, as if you sound upset she will pick up on that.

In terms of 'how a care home works' - how it works right now is very different from how it works in normal times.

Normally you should be able to visit as often as you like, and take your gran out for a walk etc. It's possible she may find trips out unsettling though, so bear that in mind and be guided by what she still enjoys.

But right now, there is no visiting allowed due to coronavirus. You will be able to talk to your gran on the phone, and they may even set up a video call. But that is all the contact you can have until restrictions are lifted.
 

Sarasa

Registered User
Apr 13, 2018
1,721
You've had some good ideas about what to say to your gran if she wants to come home. As for visiting, care homes should be happy that you visit whenever you want, though I think some aren't too keen on people being around at meal times. When I could visit I tried to time my visit for when there was an activity on that we could both join in and leave just as mum went into lunch. I was beginning to get involved in running poetry sessions which was a lot of fun and enabled me to know some of the other residents, so it really felt like I was visiting mum at her home, rather than in care.
Mum wasn't very settled when she moved so the first couple of times I stayed in the lounge with her. I then risked taking her downstairs where there was a coffee bar. When she was happy to go back to her floor I walked her round to a nearby café and even took her into town on the bus a couple of times. I've also got her in a taxi to go for tea at a local country house hotel. The home won't object to you taking her out as long as they know. Certainly pets are welcome and made a big fuss of by the other residents. I think if I had a large, bouncy dog I might be a bit careful, but otherwise it should be fine. Mum's home has visits from all sorts of animals, snakes, raptors and even a wolf.
 

imthedaughter

Registered User
Apr 3, 2019
486
You can ask all of these questions of the home as well, find out from them what other visitors do as well. My dad used to go out on his own until he started becoming a danger to himself, this is now discouraged but he still wants to.

Trips out are fine but can be hit and miss: My elder brother took him out and was a bit disappointed that dad was quite difficult - Dad wasn't expecting him because he can't remember anything, and was a bit disturbed by being taken out for lunch. He insisted they eat at 11.45am and said he was tired all the time so the trip out didn't last long.

However, six months later we took him to the theatre to have an early lunch and see the pantomime and he did really well then. He ordered food and drink then questioned it and ate at the speed of a snail, he was too busy looking around, even though he claimed to be starving hungry! But he seemed to enjoy the show immensely (to be fair it was brilliant) and it made a really nice day for the grandkids as well.

If it's just me visiting I will just drop in for coffee, but Dad has recently been asking if I will go for dinner so maybe I will next time. I get quite stressed taking dad out anywhere as despite having literally nothing on his social calendar he always seems in a hurry to be somewhere else so waiting for anything is off the menu, but if there's a whole load of us it helps spread the attention.

The home also told us they would love us to bring in animals as everyone loves to see them.
 

Jale

Registered User
Jul 9, 2018
489
we told mum she was going to a special hospital to help her when she went from hospital into a nursing home. We take our dogs in to see her (and some of the other residents), we were told as long as they were on leads and well behaved then they would be welcomed.

We have never taken Mum out, she gets upset sometimes if she goes onto another floor for activities etc and seems to become unsettled, she has sat in the garden though.
We always time our visits before lunchtime as we have found this makes it easier to leave - we take mum down to the dining room in her wheelchair as she is immobile and then because dogs aren't allowed in the dining room a carer takes her in for us. The times when I have gone into the dining room with her she always wants me to stay or she wants to leave so I no longer do this.
Mum will join in activities sometimes but if we are there she won't, so again we try and avoid some of the activities because I would rather Mum be joining in than sitting being nasty to us and other people.
On times that Mum does mention going home I suddenly find the need to use the loo or I've got to check that I've locked the car door, leave for a few minutes then return and she has thankfully forgotten about it.
Hope this will help even just a little bit
 

Graybiker

Registered User
Oct 3, 2017
217
County Durham
In ‘normal times’, a good care him will encourage you to think of it as your gran’s home & to treat it as such.
For example, when my mam went into the home, we somehow mentioned that her & dad normally had a pizza delivered on a Sat night. ‘No problem ‘ they said, ‘If that’s what you normally do then keep doing it, it’s her home.’
They set a table in the conservatory, dad took a bottle of wine, they provided glasses etc & we had the pizza delivered there.

Convalescence is a great, (old fashioned) word to use.
Mam was convinced she was in a hotel on holiday, for 2 years lol
A gentle word of warning re trips out. Took mam out for her birthday a couple of weeks after going in the home, unfortunately we had a hell of a time trying to get her to go back in, she flatly refused. I’m not saying don’t try it, obviously depends on the individual, just be aware it may not go as you’d hope.

Overall, going into care was a very positive experience for mam, she enjoyed the company.


Good luck
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