Some help please


Registered User
Oct 17, 2007
Ilford, Essex
This is my first time on this site. My mum is 97 and was diagnosed with dementia about 18 months ago. She's now in a residential home and they provide excellent care. She's getting more aggressive especially to me and I am finding it hard to cope. I visit usually twice a week but she cannot hold a conversation so I just sit there. If she does say anything it's just to be abusive to me. I used to bring her to my home occasionally but I find it increasingly difficult getting her in and out of the car, as I have major back problems. My daughter who has 2 young children aged 3 and 1 year does not like taking the kids to the home as she feels it is no place for them, as they get bored. I feel that even if she sees the kids for a short while it's better than nothing, my daughter feels that seeing them for longer at my home is better. In a couple of days she will forget about having seen them anyway. I feel so tired and dwon at the moment not knowing what's best to do. Has anyone had any problems like this one. She is declining so fast I am scared she'll end up in a psychiatric hospital. We are waiting for another psychiatric opinion but they only seem to up her medication. Sorry for rambling on.


Registered User
Jun 27, 2006
Hello Sweetpea and welcome to talking point.

I'm sure someone will be along soon the chime in about agression: I was fortunate that I never experienced this but there are many posters who have, so you are not alone.

Visiting with young children - is your mother aggressive to them or your daughter? Because if so I personally wouldn't push this. Also, and forgive me, but I think this has to be your daughter's call as their mother. On the other hand, I definitely see your point about short visits: at 97 with or without dementia I would think a short visit from a couple of toddlers would be about all she could handle. Have you tried visiting together? Also how would you define a short visit? I would think no more than 15 minutes would be more than enough time for this age group and your mother's attention span is probably fairly short anyway. If it was summer, I would suggest an "outside" visit, a walk or something similar but I can see that might be a non-starter now.

With regard to getting her in and out of the car. Have you considered swapping roles with your daughter? You look after the children while she goes and gets your mother and brings her to your home? That would take some of the pressure off you and give your daughter her preferred visiting location.

Just throwing some ideas out - feel free to ignore :)

Best wishes


Registered User
Aug 29, 2006
SW Scotland
sweetpea said:
She is declining so fast I am scared she'll end up in a psychiatric hospital. We are waiting for another psychiatric opinion but they only seem to up her medication.
Hi sweetpea, welcome to TP. First of all, unless your mum is physically aggressive, I doubt if she would be transferred to a psychiatric hospital. If she becomes too difficult to handle I imagine the next step would be a NH registered for EMI, and some of them are wonderful places. My husband has recently been admitted to one, and I can't fault the care he is receiving.

I think you may be right about visiting, it may be too much now for you to bring your mum home. On the other hand, I can see your sister's point of view too. The children would get bored, and might be a nuisance to other residents as they were running around -- and it's just not possible to make toddlers sit still for any length of time.

Would it be possible for you and your sister to visit together, and for you to take turns in having some quiet time with your mum, and taking the children outside to play or for a drive? They could spend a few minutes visiting each time, so that they don't forget her. It would also mean that when your mum is abusive, you could immediately swap over.

Please don't let it all get you down. I'm sure if you sit down with your sister you can work out some way that will make you both happy. The impostsnt thing is not to fall out, you're going to need each other.

Best wishes,


Registered User
Oct 16, 2007
manchester, uk
hi sweetpea

My Nanna gets aggrestive from time to time but never seems to be with the family, thankfully.

With regards to the children. I take my 3 year old son to see my Nanna, and all the people at the care home love him, he makes them all smile. Sometimes when we go to see my Nanna the staff tell us she is in a bad mood and has been shouting all morning. However as soon as she see's my son she always has a great big smile for him, which really warms the heart. The home understand that if my Nanna is aggrestive in any way while we are there we will leave as it would not be fair on my son. When my son is with u we go by my Nanna, sometimes we can be there for hours and other times only for 5 minutes or so.

I think if the children are ok with going, it would be nice to take them. However at the end of the day it is upto your daughter.

On days we don't go and see my Nanna my son moans at us because he want's to go.

I hope this helps in some way. And if you wish to talk more about the children going I will be glad to talk more about how my son has found it.

Take care