Social care and family care

[sheepfield]

So far my family member has refused a social care assessment despite their troubles with falls, heart, mobility, memory, vision and hearing.
Someone from the sensory team has been to see them after the most recent fall and told me that I and the person's son need to be more proactive in helping them! As everyone here knows, it's hard to help someone who doesn't realise or want to accept that they need help and can get quite irritable and upset. It's also hard to communicate with someone with dual sensory loss.
I'm hoping that the social care people will eventually get the consent that they need to do a social care assessment despite the deafness, sight issues and confusion. And that my family member will be able to complete the assessment. These days she gets quite fed up with my company and goes to sleep or says that she's hungry and wants to make her tea, in other words, it's time for me to leave!
I'd be grateful for suggestions for dealing with social care as they seem to expect me to help my family member with employing carers, cleaners etc though my family member will not accept help from me and doesn't want carers and cleaners!

 

[Jaded'n'faded]

To get social services to act, you'll probably need to shout very loud or simply tell them you are not prepared to care for this person, you can't do it anymore, they are totally non-compliant and there is nothing more you can do. Give them a date when you will be withdrawing all care.

I know this sounds harsh but often it is the only way. All the time you are stepping up and looking after your family member, they won't. Bottom line here: social services have Duty of Care for your family member, not you. Remind them. Tell them she is a vulnerable adult in need of care and with very limited capacity and you fear for her safety. Point out their responsibility.

 

[LouiseW]

Hi,
I had to write to my Dads GP and resign as his carer in order to get any attention for my Dad who was living alone with severe dementia, totally dependent me and my husband and unsafe at home on his own.

Social Services even had the cheek to tell me that they were unfamiliar with the term "Duty of Care".

This sadly did not result in Social Services doing an assessment but once the GP learned that Social Services would not assess Dad as "he was not a prioroty" the GP was so appauled by this he referred Dad to the Community Mental Health Team.

The Community Mental Health Team then called me to tell me not to worry, all my concerns were unfounded and that my Dad was living independently, doing everything for himself and taking his meds really well.

I went ballistic and demanded to know how they knew these things - and they told me that's what my Dad had told them when the Dr went to visit.

I asked them to explain how my Dad could have been taking his meds when there were none in the house because he had taken a whole months worth in one go.

This got their attention and they made regular visits for 8 weeks and concluded that 24 hour supervision was required due to his advanced dementia making it unsafe for him to live alone.

As he was self funding we were able to get him into respite at a lovely care home and he became a permanent resident on the secure dementia floor a coule of weeks later. He's contented and well cared for now.

It was a grim period for me becuase I had to just let things get out of hand and not step in to help Dad out.
It's horrific that we have to take such drastic action as resigning as carers but if you don't nothing will change and no one will help.

Good luck

 

[sheepfield]

Thank you for your replies and I'm sorry to hear about your experience LouiseW.
I do sometimes wonder whether people take what my relative says at face value. 'I'll do my laundry tomorrow' they say but clothes are still dirty on our next visit. I don't think that they've done any laundry since their most recent fall a few weeks ago. Reality is often different from what they report to people.
My relative's son is autistic and can do some things to provide care but probably isn't able to be that proactive. And I care for other people as well as this family member as well as working part time! So we really do need to emphasise to social care it seems that not much care is happening and not much can happen given the circumstances of the people close to my relative.

 

[sheepfield]

Social care have been to see my mother in law today and I was present for the visit. I managed to explain that my husband and I are autistic so hopefully they will have the message that we can do what we are able but might not be as proactive as other people.
Hopefully my mother in law will have carers in about a week's time. She's self funding so that really surprises me. I thought that we'd be told to research our own care company but I think it's a bit beyond my mother in law and husband. Quite often when I ask him about things to do with our home life, he replies 'let's talk about it later' so I've ended up doing things myself to meet my own needs, like having some new windows that we can actually open.

 

[sheepfield]

Just an update: there is no start date for social care as there's no capacity says the social worker, who suggested that we contact the Community Meals Service, which doesn't need a referral. I'm not sure how someone who is deafblind and only appears to respond to suggestions from professionals is meant to contact them and arrange meals on wheels for herself.
It seems that it is time to resign as carer. My mother in law has chosen to employ a befriender who she might feel more comfortable making these phonecalls and arrangements with. She is meant to start this week so that's something. About the only thing really. It's so frustrating and upsetting.

 

[Jessie5]

It is heartbreaking the little help that exists. I really hope the befriended is helpful. 🤞🤞

 

[Grannie G]

It seems that it is time to resign as carer.

You have done all you can. The time may come when you will be listened to or even asked for help.

Until that time try to stay in contact, but on the sidelines and allow your mother in law and her befriender to have their way.

 

[sheepfield]

I'll still be visiting my mother in law socially and doing some deep cleaning as the befriender will do light housework. Her cupboards are full of waste, bathroom full of non flushed used tissues etc.
My mother in law wanted to go with her befriender today to purchase a new microwave after she caused a fire in her old one. The befriender told me firmly that my mother in law has capacity and wanted to make the purchase and social services told me that she must have a microwave so that any eventual social carers can prepare hot meals.
For more of the thrilling story, see my thread 'Dangerous microwave'. You could not make it up!
It feels like I'm fabricating an illness, depriving my mother in law of freedoms and working against social services who don't seem to have grasped the reality of the situation.
My mother in law is grateful to have her befriender.

 

[sheepfield]

Thank you for all replies. We're muddling through and I'm able to do some things if my mother in law, social care or the befriender haven't done them, like going to the Post Office or food shopping. We'll see how it all pans out but at least the imminent issue of not eating has been partly resolved with meals on wheels.