1. christmas

    christmas Registered User

    Apr 27, 2014
    206
    Leicestershire
    Hi here I am again having a rant, why is it when I ask my daughter if she will have her dad while I go to Ragdale for the day does she make me feel guilty, I do everything for her what ever she asks if I can she makes me so mad ,phoned her today and I hate asking her but she is the only one he feels comfortable with when I leave him, any one would think I ask her all the time,only ask three times a year It's just I need a rest from him I am starting to get nasty with him,if I could just have one day I would be fine, she has always got to do something ,now I feel worse, they are always saying we are here for you mum but when I need them they have something on I just want to tell them to go away and not bother but I can't they are my children.sorry for the rant but got know one else to tell how I really feel Christmas happy new year to everyone xxx
     
  2. nae sporran

    nae sporran Volunteer Host

    Oct 29, 2014
    5,988
    Male
    Bristol
    I know just how you feel Christmas. OH daughter says how much she loves her mum then talks about herself and all her woes when we are together. Her son is so caught up in his own life 70 miles away he only phones once a month, you get a few texts but no actual chat with his mum. He refused to take her for a couple of days last summer to give me a bit of respite.

    Sorry, meant to give you a bit of sympathy. Can't really give much advice, as we just get on with it and make the most of any decent weather to get myself or both out the house for an hour or two. Hope you can take advantage of such opportunities, though sadly it does not sound like it. Best of luck, Rob.
     
  3. fizzie

    fizzie Registered User

    Jul 20, 2011
    2,731
    so agree, my daughter is useless and selfish and i love her to bits - really frustrating isn't it. She would never look after Grandma but sometimes I just insisted and eventually i stopped feeling guilty and just reel off all the things I do for her - about 1/10th of the way through she stops me and agrees - all goes over my head now except the hope that eventually I will wear her down and she'll just say 'yes mum' before I even start the list - perhaps you should ask her more often to make yourself more immune to her selfishness? Just a thought. Thinking of you xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
     
  4. Adcat

    Adcat Registered User

    Jun 15, 2014
    289
    London
    Hi Christmas,

    As a daughter (youngest by 7 years with two older siblings) my advice to you is pull her aside and give her a few home truths. My siblings do nothing but cause stress and anxiety in my situation - l look after dad - mixed dementia. Mum passed away 3 years ago. My parents must have known the score before health issues kicked in. They refused to discuss their affairs with my siblings and I'm left to sort it all out, which I will. I only wish that our parents had the guts to sit my siblings down and tell them that they either expected them to help or that they understood they had limited coping skills. Judge your daughter on her actions and not her words and tell her this next time she tells you she's going to be their for you. Daughter or not, your going to suffer simmering resentment when her words don't form the action she has promised. It will do her the power of good to let you, her mother, know the depths of your disappointment.
     
  5. Risa

    Risa Registered User

    Apr 13, 2015
    483
    Essex
    Hi Christmas

    I agree with Adcat, have a straight talking conversation, give your daughter a reality check and don't shield her from how hard it is to be a carer. Both my sister and I have had to step up to the plate and help Dad now that Mum is ill but in our view that's what being a family is all about. Plenty of our friends are in the same boat with caring for their parents as well - just have to get on with it and do the best we can.

    I think your daughter is unkind to make you feel guilty for asking for help, she should be asking you what she can do to help you out :mad:
     
  6. notsogooddtr

    notsogooddtr Registered User

    Jul 2, 2011
    867
    Just playing devil's advocate here,you have made the decision to look after your husband but is it right to expect to impose that decision on others?I expected myself and my siblings to share care of my parents equally,it took me a while to realise I could decide what I was able to do but had no right to expect them to fall in line.Their lives and their choice.And I certainly don't think a tit for tat'I've done this for you what are you going to do for me'attitude is the way to go with my children.I do what I do from choice,it's lovely to get something back but mot as result of emotional blackmail.Maybe time to try to introduce your husband to the idea of more formal sitters?
     
  7. nae sporran

    nae sporran Volunteer Host

    Oct 29, 2014
    5,988
    Male
    Bristol
    I can't speak for Christmas or the others notsogooddtr, but I have no regrets about caring for OH even if I do complain about her children myself sometimes. It would be nice if they offered to come round and just listen to her trying to make sense of it all in her rambling style or hold her hand for an hour or two without being asked.
     
  8. Beate

    Beate Registered User

    May 21, 2014
    11,723
    Female
    London
    As a carer you have to learn to cope with so many disappointments. Friends who fall away, relatives who don't stand by their words... It's one of the things I'm quite bitter about but I guess you can't change some people, and "if you need help, just ask" is usually not worth the paper it's written on. So I understand your frustration. Maybe we shouldn't expect anything from anyone so if they do step up to the plate it's a pleasant surprise!
     
  9. Shedrech

    Shedrech Volunteer Moderator

    Dec 15, 2012
    8,077
    Yorkshire
    Hi Christmas
    rant away - you are always so honest in what you write, I hope it's a tonic for you :)

    I kind of see both sides - and I do wonder how often I disappointed my parents but they just took the hit and didn't let me know, so I was slow to grasp their situation and change my ways
    she has offered her help - the being there bit - so you have her 'permission' to ask - she hasn't yet, though, quite realised how much it takes for you to do just that
    so she's still doing the 'teenage' type response; we're only human and take some time to be adults with our parents (sorry if this is a bad reading of the situation)
    so I'm with adcat - tell her you really appreciate her help because ...... and explain exactly how it is for you being a carer day in, day out, especially that she is the only one your husband feels comfortable with (quite a compliment)
    not to make her feel guilty, just as one adult to another to put her completely in the picture
    I would really have appreciated my dad doing this
    then, at least she will respond to you in full knowledge of what it means for you to ask for some time to yourself - and if she doesn't want to help, or can't for some reason, at least you know where you stand
    maybe turn the tables and ask her to suggest some days she is able to set aside during the year, if you are able to keep your plans flexible
    my rant back at you is now over ;)
    best wishes
     
  10. fizzie

    fizzie Registered User

    Jul 20, 2011
    2,731
    I don't think asking a family member 3 or 4 times a year is exactly an imposition, in fact I don't think once a week is an imposition when they have the other 6.5 days and nights to do as they please. I'm sorry but I don't think there are two sides. Family is family and if we can't do our bit for them then we ain't worth much. just my honest opinion .

    I agree with beate so many friends fall by the wayside and our wider family, not many of them are completely unhelpful lol
     
  11. Del24

    Del24 Registered User

    Aug 17, 2014
    67
    Hertfordshire
    I am sorry to say this is how today's generation behave it's all me me me first before poor old mum and dad.
    It's not they haven't experienced caring in the family as my wife and I along with my siblings helped my parents in their hour of need when our children were small.
    They will come in an emergency but forget running the Hoover over the carpet etc. I have to employ a cleaner to do that.
    A couple of years ago I wrote them both a letter asking them to come one day at the weekend to look after mum to give me a day free.
    The letter went down like a lead balloon I never asked again.
    They take it in turns to come at the weekend as they both work they don't stay long then go.
    C'est la vie.
     
  12. christmas

    christmas Registered User

    Apr 27, 2014
    206
    Leicestershire
    Thank you for your help ,
     
  13. notsogooddtr

    notsogooddtr Registered User

    Jul 2, 2011
    867
    The child/parent relationship is totally different to the one between a married couple,our children never make a vow to care for us,I don't believe it is their duty.Having said that maybe a bit of forward planning,perhaps on a monthly basis,give your daughter a list of dates you'd like her help and she might hopefully be able to plan her commitments a bit better.I'm not unsympathetic believe me,as I said earlier I was often upset at lack of input until I decided it wasn't up to me to decide what they 'should'do,only they could do that.
     
  14. DMac

    DMac Registered User

    Jul 18, 2015
    535
    Female
    Surrey, UK
    Shedrech has, in effect, described the subtle distinction between the 'parent-child' conversation ("I'm your mum and I'm asking for (demanding?) your help") to the adult-adult conversation ("I have these needs now, they are changing, and it would really help me if I could discuss with you how to meet those needs"). It is a real defining moment in our lives when we move from one relationship to the other with our parents - but I do feel that that is the best way. My opinion, anyway! :D
     
  15. christmas

    christmas Registered User

    Apr 27, 2014
    206
    Leicestershire
    Thank you I could never throw it back at her what I do for her ,I will talk to her and let her tell me when she has time to let me know ,I don't expect her to look after him that is my job but it don't hurt to sit and talk to him now and then even if I don't go out , I think it's because she can no t except what is wrong with him and I can understand,it's still sinking in to me after 6 years xxx Christmas
     
  16. DianeW

    DianeW Registered User

    Sep 10, 2013
    519
    Lytham St Annes
    Absolutely agree..
     
  17. DMac

    DMac Registered User

    Jul 18, 2015
    535
    Female
    Surrey, UK
    Christmas, you have had a range of opinions expressed on this thread, which has been interesting and informative to read. A big Thank You from me to all who posted here, for making me think about a difficult topic. I'm a daughter-in-law to 2 people who have dementia, I do my best to help them but I realise there are no easy answers.

    From your post above, it sounds as if you have worked out in your own mind the conversation you will have with your daughter. That's really, really positive. It won't be plain sailing, but you have thought about it and it will help you. Good luck. xxx
     
  18. esmeralda

    esmeralda Registered User

    Nov 27, 2014
    3,072
    Devon
    Hi Christmas, I hope you manage to talk to your daughter and negotiate between you what is acceptable for you both.
    Whatever she is or isn't able to do however it sounds as though you really need some help from somewhere. Have you had a referral to Adult Social Services or any other support agency? I've only just found on the Alzheimer's Society home page a facility whereby you type in your postcode and it comes up with helpful organisations in your area. You certainly need a break to allow you to continue caring for your OH as you wish to.
    xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
     
  19. stanleypj

    stanleypj Registered User

    Dec 8, 2011
    10,658
    North West
    I appreciate how difficult it can be when offspring do not help out, for whatever reason.

    But I'm not sure that it's right to blame 'today's generation'. There's plenty of evidence, and not only on TP, that some of this generation are genuinely helpful and supportive in these situations including - luckily for us - both my stepkids and my own. Only one of them lives close enough to offer help regularly and she does, out of love, despite having 2 young kids. The others help out as and when they can.
     
  20. Moonflower

    Moonflower Registered User

    Mar 28, 2012
    775
    I agree, I think blaming "the younger generation" is a little unfair
    Spending half a day a week helping parents doesn't necessarily leave 6 and a half days of freedom, the person concerned may well have a full time job, children of their own etc. Finding the spare time to do anything at all can feel impossible.

    I've been helping my parents for about 15 years, starting with my dad (vascular dementia) and now mum, alzheimers and in a car home near me.

    During that time my own children have grown up and left for university. I can't remember having a holiday with my children which didn't revolve around either taking my parents with us, or feeling guilty at leaving them, phone calls home to make sure they were ok, debate about whether we could risk going etc.

    Some years we didn't get a family holiday, all the money went on visiting mum and dad.
    I run my own business and the time I've spent caring has absolutely hammered my income, I have no prospect of a pension to fall back on and no spare income to save for one.

    My husband decided that between my parents and my disabled daughter he wasn't getting enough attention and has left.

    I've done the best I could for my parents, but the price I've paid has been phenomenal. Neither of them would accept outside help - even now mum won't ask the carers to do things for her, waits till I come to do it because that's what she prefers.
    No way I would want my children to do the same for me.
     

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