Should my mother wear shoes or slippers in care home? Does her choice come into it?
- Thread starter silkcut
- Start date
I have just had another thought on the religious side of things. My Mum is very religious so I know how important this is to people, I know it's not the same as attending a church service but I believe God doesn't mind if people who are poorly don't attend in person at the church. That's what I was always taught anyway, even as a child.
I know on Sky television there are church services broadcast on a Sunday morning, I wonder if the home could arrange for your Mum (and others) to join in with those?
I know on Sky television there are church services broadcast on a Sunday morning, I wonder if the home could arrange for your Mum (and others) to join in with those?
i did not know about sky services,it is a good suggestion. I have regularly informed the home and my mother when song of prasie has been broadcast this can differ each week on a sunday.my mum often liked hymes she was familar with.currently she is placed often in a part of the care home where she cannot see a tv screen I have brought in to her recordings of songs of praise yet focus has been on trying to get her to eat and consume calories for past 2 months.what eating she does do she does very slowly and there is a conflict in my time to do all eg show tv she may not have seen from bbc iplayer downloads
Don't really understand the blood glucose bit- I'd have thought if they were testing her blood, they would have taken steps to do something about things - loosing your cool was prob not the best response.
I can imagine they get quite irritated, when they are trying to control her diabetes, that you keep feeding her - doesn't that make it difficult for them? My mothers blood sugar reading vary from 5 - 17 over the course of the day, depending on what she ate. a number in isolation means very little.
However unhappy you are with the home, you might need to come to terms with the fact that its where she is best off for now, your choice of establishment or not. Presumably she is funded ( not self funding) and if it has got to the point of you having to communicate via a solicitor, things are not going to improve anytime soon, unless you stop battling with everyone.
If you mother has dementia, 'what she wants' might not be in her best interests, although you might find that hard to accept.
To be honest it really doesn't matter if she wears shoes or slippers.
I really don't think very much will change very soon unless you calm right down and let them take care of her without picking holes ( like shoes v slippers). Its very hard for a bloke to take care of an elderly mother in a home environment, both for her and for you.
I can imagine they get quite irritated, when they are trying to control her diabetes, that you keep feeding her - doesn't that make it difficult for them? My mothers blood sugar reading vary from 5 - 17 over the course of the day, depending on what she ate. a number in isolation means very little.
However unhappy you are with the home, you might need to come to terms with the fact that its where she is best off for now, your choice of establishment or not. Presumably she is funded ( not self funding) and if it has got to the point of you having to communicate via a solicitor, things are not going to improve anytime soon, unless you stop battling with everyone.
If you mother has dementia, 'what she wants' might not be in her best interests, although you might find that hard to accept.
To be honest it really doesn't matter if she wears shoes or slippers.
I really don't think very much will change very soon unless you calm right down and let them take care of her without picking holes ( like shoes v slippers). Its very hard for a bloke to take care of an elderly mother in a home environment, both for her and for you.
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I think it is evident that you care deeply for your mum. I think however that that is at the route of all the problems. I would ask you to retread all of your posts and consider how SS and the Care Home view you, based just on what you have posted. While you make reference to your mum, your posts are peppered about everything that YOU want. I want this, I want that. What this then conveys is almost an unhealthy, almost bordering obsessive interest in managing and controlling all aspects of your mum's life. I, for example, even having read everything, am surprised that at no stage you mention what stage your mum's dementia is at or whether she has other health issues beyond the diabetes. There is no mention at all as to whether your mum has the capacity to participate in that long list of activities that you 'want' to see happening. Neither do you say what your mum wants. So, it would not surprise me if the first red flag to the SS and CH was your list of demands vs what they consider is needed to meet your mum's care needs. The shoes vs slippers is obviously something which, lets face it, 3years on are still fixating on. I can tell you that if your mum had the same level of interest in her red shoes and mentioned to staff off her own back that she wanted to wear them, that they would probably have been willing to let this happen. The reality is that after 3yrs, she no longer probably thinks of them other when you bring it to her attention. Don't forget that she is with the staff much more than with you and so they will know her likes and dislikes by now. I have no doubt that at one time your mum was really proud of her shoes and felt good in them. Time however moves on and so I would question whether shoes are an issue for you more than they are for your mum. So, back to SS and CH views, this issue alone would probably just endorse their view of you. You haven't said specifically about the court order but I would hazard a guess that this was a Deprivation of Liberty and Safeguarding application that was made to the courts. One to stop you from removing your mum from the home and to create some breathing space for your mum. What will not have helped on any level was your fit of anger because this potentially puts the staff and other residents at risk.
There is a saying "the road to hell is paved with good intentions". I think that this is the one for you. You have your mum's interests at heart and your intentions about making her twilight years as pleasant as possible were all you ever tried to achieve. Your approach and your list of 'wants' and, being brutally honest, your perpetual criticism of the CH, have led to 'hell' rather than delivering the outcomes that YOU wanted to achieve.
So, is all this able to be salvaged? My view is that yes they can but not if you continue to dig your trench and surround yourself with all your criticisms and your expectations. The first thing I would do is drop all of the grievances and to focus on your mum's actual needs and wants based on her current condition. On your daily visits I would focus on spending quality time with your mum. She doesn't need modern technology what she needs is to spend a quiet hour in your company. She doesn't need to see or feel the energy of confrontation looming between you and the SW, for example. How about you take in a newspaper and go through it together or a magazine? Just look at the pictures even, ask what her fav colour is, comment on fashion, talk about clothing that you remember her wearing over the years, that kind of thing. How about maybe doing a jigsaw puzzle together? Another day, help her to do her Christmas card list so you can get some Christmas cards for her. Talk about the people that she remembers but don't be surprised when she doesn't remember as many folks as you do. Remember that this is about her ...we all know you could write her list for her...but that is not the object of the exercise. This is about her expressing her views and telling you what she wants to happen. If the SW is there supervising the visit invite her to give her views on things, include them rather than exclude them. Let them see that you have dropped the animosity. Hopefully they will over time see the true good relationship that you and your mother have. Then and only then will you be able to ask for the court order to be changed. Any approach based on animosity will leave the courts no option but to continue the order if there is the slightest risk to CH staff, other residents, or your mum's welfare.
I hope you take this in the spirit that it is given. It is based on my view of what you have explained in this thread, but it is, at the end of the day, just that...my personal view.
Fiona
There is a saying "the road to hell is paved with good intentions". I think that this is the one for you. You have your mum's interests at heart and your intentions about making her twilight years as pleasant as possible were all you ever tried to achieve. Your approach and your list of 'wants' and, being brutally honest, your perpetual criticism of the CH, have led to 'hell' rather than delivering the outcomes that YOU wanted to achieve.
So, is all this able to be salvaged? My view is that yes they can but not if you continue to dig your trench and surround yourself with all your criticisms and your expectations. The first thing I would do is drop all of the grievances and to focus on your mum's actual needs and wants based on her current condition. On your daily visits I would focus on spending quality time with your mum. She doesn't need modern technology what she needs is to spend a quiet hour in your company. She doesn't need to see or feel the energy of confrontation looming between you and the SW, for example. How about you take in a newspaper and go through it together or a magazine? Just look at the pictures even, ask what her fav colour is, comment on fashion, talk about clothing that you remember her wearing over the years, that kind of thing. How about maybe doing a jigsaw puzzle together? Another day, help her to do her Christmas card list so you can get some Christmas cards for her. Talk about the people that she remembers but don't be surprised when she doesn't remember as many folks as you do. Remember that this is about her ...we all know you could write her list for her...but that is not the object of the exercise. This is about her expressing her views and telling you what she wants to happen. If the SW is there supervising the visit invite her to give her views on things, include them rather than exclude them. Let them see that you have dropped the animosity. Hopefully they will over time see the true good relationship that you and your mother have. Then and only then will you be able to ask for the court order to be changed. Any approach based on animosity will leave the courts no option but to continue the order if there is the slightest risk to CH staff, other residents, or your mum's welfare.
I hope you take this in the spirit that it is given. It is based on my view of what you have explained in this thread, but it is, at the end of the day, just that...my personal view.
Fiona
Do you seek any help for yourself? Is there anyone that you talk to formally , about YOU, and what you feel about life?
There is going to come a time that your Mum is going to pass away- Could be tomorrow, and could be 10 years- your life is going to have one hell of a void, if your day in day out life continues as it is- seemingly obsessing about your Mum and all that goes with her.
You need to let go of some of your attachment, and make a life for yourself other than your mum. I have never EVER heard anyone be as precise about how long their mother has been in residential care, you know to the day, the hour, the minute.....
Three years on, you are brinmming with Anger, still fighting the authorities and as FIFIMO appears to see as well, fighting for what YOU want for your Mum, rather than what your Mum wants/needs. 'Songs of Praise' for instance...if she was in a place mentally to want to watch it, she ask, or go and sit herself in front of a TV. Does she do that? If not, its because it doesn't matter anymore. It isn't important to her. The home hasn't made it less important, that's her brain doing so.
I bet I know what would make your dear old mum happiest. That would be for her days to be peaceful and happy, to see her son relaxed and just happy in her company, not fighting with everyone all the time.
Hydrotherapy and peeling veg are not going to make her back into the mum she was.
How old is she?
She's different now. Get some help for YOU to come to terms with YOUR life which will, in turn positively impact on your Mums life.
There is going to come a time that your Mum is going to pass away- Could be tomorrow, and could be 10 years- your life is going to have one hell of a void, if your day in day out life continues as it is- seemingly obsessing about your Mum and all that goes with her.
You need to let go of some of your attachment, and make a life for yourself other than your mum. I have never EVER heard anyone be as precise about how long their mother has been in residential care, you know to the day, the hour, the minute.....
Three years on, you are brinmming with Anger, still fighting the authorities and as FIFIMO appears to see as well, fighting for what YOU want for your Mum, rather than what your Mum wants/needs. 'Songs of Praise' for instance...if she was in a place mentally to want to watch it, she ask, or go and sit herself in front of a TV. Does she do that? If not, its because it doesn't matter anymore. It isn't important to her. The home hasn't made it less important, that's her brain doing so.
I bet I know what would make your dear old mum happiest. That would be for her days to be peaceful and happy, to see her son relaxed and just happy in her company, not fighting with everyone all the time.
Hydrotherapy and peeling veg are not going to make her back into the mum she was.
How old is she?
She's different now. Get some help for YOU to come to terms with YOUR life which will, in turn positively impact on your Mums life.
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.....when mum mum sits in the care home with nothing for her interest and she calls me in from the window there is nothing i can do to give her company.....
Do you hang around outside looking in or something? Blimey, that sort of behaviour really wont help you cause.
How old is your Mum? I'm glad she can still see the subtitles to sing along with!
Sorry, its your attitude/approach and reactionary nature that has stripped your mother of normal family contact. That's why you have to have restricted access.
I feel so sad for you, a loving son and yet seemingly the enemy
Do you hang around outside looking in or something? Blimey, that sort of behaviour really wont help you cause.
How old is your Mum? I'm glad she can still see the subtitles to sing along with!
Sorry, its your attitude/approach and reactionary nature that has stripped your mother of normal family contact. That's why you have to have restricted access.
I feel so sad for you, a loving son and yet seemingly the enemy
The way I see it is your mum isn't imprisoned, she has been placed somewhere safe which she cannot deem to have been at home.
The home cannot just cater to the needs of one resident, you may want her to watch songs of praise but maybe the others in the home don't want to? Does she have a TV in her room? Can she watch programmes in her room or maybe listen to Christiam radio in her room? I don't mean segregate her but there are others in the home along with mum who have needs that also need to be catered too
The I'm right you're wrong approach won't work with people unfortunately, how long ago did you work for the NHS? Maybe what you were doing to help get mum mobile was ok but isn't now. Maybe the home aren't insured for family members going in and doing things with residents such as standing them and moving them. I know in mums home they need 2 members of staff to help people out of seats if they can stand. Purely for health and safety reasons they would not appreciate you helping.
How often do you drop things in to mum, if you have visiting everyday other than weekends why is there a need for her to have things before it after you have visited?
It is a sad and upsetting situation you find yourself in and I do appreciate that, it can't be nice having supervised visits I'm sure and I do hope something gets sorted. Even if your visits are still supervised maybe they could be extended. You do seem quite fixated on everything that is wrong, is there anything you deem the home are doing right?
Take care
The home cannot just cater to the needs of one resident, you may want her to watch songs of praise but maybe the others in the home don't want to? Does she have a TV in her room? Can she watch programmes in her room or maybe listen to Christiam radio in her room? I don't mean segregate her but there are others in the home along with mum who have needs that also need to be catered too
The I'm right you're wrong approach won't work with people unfortunately, how long ago did you work for the NHS? Maybe what you were doing to help get mum mobile was ok but isn't now. Maybe the home aren't insured for family members going in and doing things with residents such as standing them and moving them. I know in mums home they need 2 members of staff to help people out of seats if they can stand. Purely for health and safety reasons they would not appreciate you helping.
How often do you drop things in to mum, if you have visiting everyday other than weekends why is there a need for her to have things before it after you have visited?
It is a sad and upsetting situation you find yourself in and I do appreciate that, it can't be nice having supervised visits I'm sure and I do hope something gets sorted. Even if your visits are still supervised maybe they could be extended. You do seem quite fixated on everything that is wrong, is there anything you deem the home are doing right?
Take care
if my mother is not inprisoned and that she is currently self funding a visit to a christian care home IF SHE WANTS TO should not be a problem,she could choose if she would prefer to live there .
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two or three known christian experinces in 3 and half years, parents own preference for a christian care home rather than the social services choice
