Should my dad come to my mum's funeral?: UPDATE

Discussion in 'I care for a person with dementia' started by Jess1982, Mar 10, 2017.

  1. Jess1982

    Jess1982 Registered User

    Nov 9, 2014
    75
    Hi

    Thank you so much to those of you who replied to my dilemma question a few weeks ago.

    I just thought I'd give an update as may be helpful to any others in the same predicament.

    My dad was present moments after my mum's death as they lived in the same care home. However the next morning he only remembered that "she didn't look too bright."

    I asked him the following week if he remembered what had happened. He said he did and wanted to come to the funeral.

    In that way it took some pressure off me making the decision.

    A couple of days before the funeral I showed him his suit and he didn't know what it was for. I was still having serious doubts about him coming but thought he should be there as they were married 45 years and he does have moments where he understands what's going on.

    Anyway he sat next to me during the service in a wheelchair. As the coffin was brought in and my mum's music was played my dad turned to me and said "there's not someone in there is there?"

    In that moment I knew what a mistake it was him coming.

    He felt cold in the church, needed the toilet and got unsettled (despite wearing a pad).

    I sent him home early with a member of staff from the care home.

    So if any of you are in the same situation I would say it's not a great idea the dementia sufferer attending. He didn't know what was going on.

    On the other hand for me it provided relief to know I had at least tried to include him. At least I won't have the regrets of thinking "I should have brought dad".
     
  2. Amy in the US

    Amy in the US Registered User

    Feb 28, 2015
    4,624
    USA
    Jess, thank you for the update. It was thoughtful of you to write that (and possibly not easy or pleasant for you). As you say, it may well help someone in a similar situation.

    I'm sure none of this is easy for you. How are you doing?
     
  3. MissDiane

    MissDiane Registered User

    Oct 18, 2013
    73
    Jess, first of all please accept my condolences for the loss of your mum. It must have been a very difficult day for you dealing with your own grief and worrying about your father. My parents have been married 50 years and both have dementia although a different stages. They live separately.I have often worried about the inevitable and whether they would attend the others funeral. Its not something i like to think about but i know we will have to cross this bridge at some stage. Thank you for your post. It has helped me realise there is not right or wrong answer it is whatever we think is for the best, and you did your best. You cannot ask for more than that x
     
  4. Slugsta

    Slugsta Registered User

    Jess, I am so sorry for the loss of your mum. It must be especially hard having to cope with your dad too.

    Thanks for telling us of your experiences, I hope it does help other people in similar circumstances.

    Although you say it was a mistake taking your dad to the funeral, you did what seemed best at the time and no-one can do more than that.

    Please look after yourself.
     
  5. GeorgiaL

    GeorgiaL Registered User

    Mar 12, 2017
    6
    Did the right thing

    Thanks also it was interesting to read. Look I think what you did was perfect. You took him along and he was included but when it was time to go you let him leave. I know it was prob stressful for you but you didn't know which way it would go. It's always worth a try if you can have an out, or someone to take home home. Another idea is that if you or others wanted, they could do their own little family funeral after the big one. But I think when people say "remember, dad, mum has passed" or "remember dad, we went to the funeral" they won't remember. Part of doing it is for ourselves and knowing we included them in an important event of our family and the community rather than excluding them from it without trying. I think you did the perfect thing. Well done. Should be proud.
     
  6. meme

    meme Registered User

    Aug 29, 2011
    1,955
    Female
    London
    I also think you did the right thing....no matter how it went He needed to be there and he was
     

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