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Should I take mum to visit her home before I sell it?

Meadow bank

New member
Jan 16, 2020
7
Hi, I’m new to the care home scene, and finding it a little upsetting. I feel very guilty for putting mom in a care home, but like most of you, the four carers a day, being alone every night, falling during the night and cooking plastics bags meant that a care home was the only choice. I am now faced with selling her home and emptying it of everything she holds dear to her. Should I take her to visit the house and her possessions one more time before selling? I feel bad not taking her but I am worried that it will upset her even more. She has been in hospital and the care home since October and has not said to me she wants to go home but she has told my aunt this. What should I do?
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
11,646
South coast
Hello @Meadow bank and welcome to DTP

I think you are right to be concerned about taking your mum back to see her home before you sell it.
At best you will be reminding her of things that she can no longer have, at worst she may well become very distressed and refuse to leave. Alternatively she may be like my mum when I took her back to choose some things to be with her in her care home - she did not remember that it had been her home and got very fearful and angry because she did know why I had brought her there and what would the owner say if we were caught?

I really cant think of a single reason why your mum might be helped by going back. Best to just leave it and not make any reference to it being sold. Selling mums home felt terrible as if I were going behind her back, but it had to be done. She was never going to live there again and there was no way that she would be able to understand why, so I just had to get on with it (a bottle of wine helped!)
 

Maggie

Registered User
Home could mean a place of comfort and not referring her her home as her house.

meaning that even if your mother went back to the home she lived in she could be still saying she wants to go home .

I have just learnt that from Personal experience, also Dementia training but am not a Professional .
Is the care home your mother going to, have a dementia nurse ?

As you could ask the dementia nurse.

it could Distress your mother more with confusing her, if you took her back one more time .

why not put personal belongings that was in your mother house, even Furniture from her house into her new room she will be living in.
Make her room cosy like her home hang photos on the wall in her new care home room



The Decision is yours at the end of the day.
 

Normaleila

Registered User
Jun 4, 2016
731
Hi, don't feel guilty. You haven't put your mum in a home, the illness has. And it is what she needs now.
When your mum says she wants to go home she doesn't necessarily mean that house. It often means a childhood home or a wish for a place where she feels safe. With my aunt at this stage I used to reassure her she'd go home when the doctor said she could, when she' was feeling less confused, once she'd had a rest and was a bit stronger ... Whatever it took. At first she worried about the house being empty - I told her the police were keeping an eye on it. She was satisfied with that.
I wouldn't take your mum home - it would be very upsetting for both of you. You're the grown up now - you have to do what's best even if it hurts.
You're doing a great job and you can get through this difficult stage. Very best wishes.
 

Maggie

Registered User
This part of wanting to go home was so hard for me Or even believe it.

I Leant the hard way .

when my father died.
My mother said she “ wanted” to go home .
She had lived in England for 50 years.

When I asked her does she mean Gibraltar she said yes.
So I helped my mother move to Gibraltar.

my mother got lost in Gibraltar.
Police picked her up and Social services lady said
“ why did I bring her to Gibraltar” !

Doctor in Gibraltar sent my mother for brain scan in Spain .
They told me mum has Alzheimer’s.
Mum still wanted to go home .

well I brought her back to the UK to live with me .
The Alzheimer’s Association and the help of this forum keep me Sane.

I found that when mum wanted to go home, it meant she was feeling Anxious and worried about something.
Focusing on her feelings Acknowledging yher feelings Even if her feelings sounded irrational to me.
asking her what she’s worrying about would settle her .
Telling her she’s safe would settle mum sometime
It’s all about being person Centered.
Gosh she need 24/7 around the clock care.
If I was out of her sight her Anxiety levels become very high.
It’s part of Symptoms of the disease.
 

Pete1

Registered User
Jul 16, 2019
579
Hi @Meadow bank, welcome to the forum. Sorry to hear about your situation, please try not to feel guilty about your Mum's situation, it wouldn't have been fair or safe to leave her to struggle in a situation that would have become far worse - you have done the right thing for your Mum.

I wouldn't take Mum back, she needs to be settled in her new environment, the visit home would really be of no benefit to her and only serve to alleviate your guilt. I'm sure you know which possessions are treasured to Mum you could retrieve those, and gradually in stages introduce them to her room in the care home (although again she may no longer remember them). The one thing my Mum loved in the home was looking through old photos and cine films - so certainly retrieve items like that for Mum to look through with you. What matters now to Mum is to have peace of mind in her new environment. Stay strong - all the best
 

love.dad.but..

Registered User
Jan 16, 2014
4,481
Kent
No and don't feel guilty. I had to sell dad's home once he moved into care, just another necessary act that broke my heart because it reinforced to me his needs and decline. However, not telling dad this was happening was another decision taken with love for him to avoid any distress.
 

Bunpoots

Volunteer Host
Apr 1, 2016
4,080
Nottinghamshire
I didn’t tell my dad when I had to clear his bungalow either @Meadow bank .

It was a soul-destroying task and I remember going there the first day intending to clear a room and all I managed to do was empty the tinned food cupboard in the kitchen...

Like @canary I found wine helped
 

Rosettastone57

Registered User
Oct 27, 2016
1,169
Hi, I’m new to the care home scene, and finding it a little upsetting. I feel very guilty for putting mom in a care home, but like most of you, the four carers a day, being alone every night, falling during the night and cooking plastics bags meant that a care home was the only choice. I am now faced with selling her home and emptying it of everything she holds dear to her. Should I take her to visit the house and her possessions one more time before selling? I feel bad not taking her but I am worried that it will upset her even more. She has been in hospital and the care home since October and has not said to me she wants to go home but she has told my aunt this. What should I do?
Don't take her back. What purpose would it serve? Other than to distress her. My mother-in-law went into care in 2018 and we never took her back and never told her we were selling it either or clearing her belongings. After a few weeks, she never even asked about or mentioned her bungalow
 

Meadow bank

New member
Jan 16, 2020
7
Hi, don't feel guilty. You haven't put your mum in a home, the illness has. And it is what she needs now.
When your mum says she wants to go home she doesn't necessarily mean that house. It often means a childhood home or a wish for a place where she feels safe. With my aunt at this stage I used to reassure her she'd go home when the doctor said she could, when she' was feeling less confused, once she'd had a rest and was a bit stronger ... Whatever it took. At first she worried about the house being empty - I told her the police were keeping an eye on it. She was satisfied with that.
I wouldn't take your mum home - it would be very upsetting for both of you. You're the grown up now - you have to do what's best even if it hurts.
You're doing a great job and you can get through this difficult stage. Very best wishes.
Thank you, your reply is very reassuring that I am doing the right thing for her.
 

Meadow bank

New member
Jan 16, 2020
7
I didn’t tell my dad when I had to clear his bungalow either @Meadow bank .

It was a soul-destroying task and I remember going there the first day intending to clear a room and all I managed to do was empty the tinned food cupboard in the kitchen...

Like @canary I found wine helped
That’s exactly what happened to me! I took boxes intending to start packing her stuff away, and ended up only achieving to clear the fridge!
 

Meadow bank

New member
Jan 16, 2020
7
Hi @Meadow bank, welcome to the forum. Sorry to hear about your situation, please try not to feel guilty about your Mum's situation, it wouldn't have been fair or safe to leave her to struggle in a situation that would have become far worse - you have done the right thing for your Mum.

I wouldn't take Mum back, she needs to be settled in her new environment, the visit home would really be of no benefit to her and only serve to alleviate your guilt. I'm sure you know which possessions are treasured to Mum you could retrieve those, and gradually in stages introduce them to her room in the care home (although again she may no longer remember them). The one thing my Mum loved in the home was looking through old photos and cine films - so certainly retrieve items like that for Mum to look through with you. What matters now to Mum is to have peace of mind in her new environment. Stay strong - all the best
Hi, thanks for your very helpful and reassuring reply. I know you’re right, it’s just so hard isn’t it.
 

Meadow bank

New member
Jan 16, 2020
7
This part of wanting to go home was so hard for me Or even believe it.

I Leant the hard way .

when my father died.
My mother said she “ wanted” to go home .
She had lived in England for 50 years.

When I asked her does she mean Gibraltar she said yes.
So I helped my mother move to Gibraltar.

my mother got lost in Gibraltar.
Police picked her up and Social services lady said
“ why did I bring her to Gibraltar” !

Doctor in Gibraltar sent my mother for brain scan in Spain .
They told me mum has Alzheimer’s.
Mum still wanted to go home .

well I brought her back to the UK to live with me .
The Alzheimer’s Association and the help of this forum keep me Sane.

I found that when mum wanted to go home, it meant she was feeling Anxious and worried about something.
Focusing on her feelings Acknowledging yher feelings Even if her feelings sounded irrational to me.
asking her what she’s worrying about would settle her .
Telling her she’s safe would settle mum sometime
It’s all about being person Centered.
Gosh she need 24/7 around the clock care.
If I was out of her sight her Anxiety levels become very high.
It’s part of Symptoms of the disease.
Hi, thanks for your reply. What a time you have had, my thoughts are with you.
 

Meadow bank

New member
Jan 16, 2020
7
Home could mean a place of comfort and not referring her her home as her house.

meaning that even if your mother went back to the home she lived in she could be still saying she wants to go home .

I have just learnt that from Personal experience, also Dementia training but am not a Professional .
Is the care home your mother going to, have a dementia nurse ?

As you could ask the dementia nurse.

it could Distress your mother more with confusing her, if you took her back one more time .

why not put personal belongings that was in your mother house, even Furniture from her house into her new room she will be living in.
Make her room cosy like her home hang photos on the wall in her new care home room



The Decision is yours at the end of the day.
Hi, thanks for your advice. I did take some things in for her today, and she looked at them and shut her eyes, I couldn’t work out if she was pleased or upset about seeing them, so I definitely won’t take her to see her house, everyone is correct, I believe it will be far too distressing for everyone.
 

DesperateofDevon

Registered User
Jul 7, 2019
2,658
Home is a place you feel safe. Instead of taking in old memories bring new ones. I regularly bought new cushion & throws for Dads room, we had a few familiar pictures in permanent place to add continuity. New duvet covers made it more personal & Dad often said how lovely his room was, along with fresh flowers every week & seasonal plants. Even room smellies( wooden sticks in glass jar with concentrate! Mind gone blank!!! ) made it personal & comfortable. At Easter I bought Dad a big white toy rabbit which he loved, I used to play & be silly with it.

I saw my role when Dad was in the Care Home to be on visits the fun loving daughter with a small surprise - a bun/ magazine/ flowers/ plant/ even taking in my dog !

becoming the daughter again is vital,it’s important for you as much as anything. Having been through this process with Dad & going through this with Mum, each persons dementia path is unique to them.

you can only do so much, & that’s a bitter pill. The care home is a new start for your Mum & by treating it as a new phase with new things & experiences it might help a little.

Dad loved having new things, he loved the flowers etc. His room was his little sanctuary & made him feel safe.

Mum is at home still - carers 4x a day in & is adamantly determined to stay at home.But the new bits & bobs still bring pleasure & new clothes ( love Sainsbury’s & M&S sales are frequent !) are always a pick me up. Again food treats & flowers work.

Nothing about this situation is perfect, but you have nothing to feel guilty about.

if you think of the care given to toddlers to protect them from harm & then think that life returns back to that state before completing the circle of life- all you are doing is protecting your loved one. It’s the only way I can rationalise what’s happening & make some sense of life with dementia

I hope this helps
(((((Hugs))))
 

Meadow bank

New member
Jan 16, 2020
7
Home is a place you feel safe. Instead of taking in old memories bring new ones. I regularly bought new cushion & throws for Dads room, we had a few familiar pictures in permanent place to add continuity. New duvet covers made it more personal & Dad often said how lovely his room was, along with fresh flowers every week & seasonal plants. Even room smellies( wooden sticks in glass jar with concentrate! Mind gone blank!!! ) made it personal & comfortable. At Easter I bought Dad a big white toy rabbit which he loved, I used to play & be silly with it.

I saw my role when Dad was in the Care Home to be on visits the fun loving daughter with a small surprise - a bun/ magazine/ flowers/ plant/ even taking in my dog !

becoming the daughter again is vital,it’s important for you as much as anything. Having been through this process with Dad & going through this with Mum, each persons dementia path is unique to them.

you can only do so much, & that’s a bitter pill. The care home is a new start for your Mum & by treating it as a new phase with new things & experiences it might help a little.

Dad loved having new things, he loved the flowers etc. His room was his little sanctuary & made him feel safe.

Mum is at home still - carers 4x a day in & is adamantly determined to stay at home.But the new bits & bobs still bring pleasure & new clothes ( love Sainsbury’s & M&S sales are frequent !) are always a pick me up. Again food treats & flowers work.

Nothing about this situation is perfect, but you have nothing to feel guilty about.

if you think of the care given to toddlers to protect them from harm & then think that life returns back to that state before completing the circle of life- all you are doing is protecting your loved one. It’s the only way I can rationalise what’s happening & make some sense of life with dementia

I hope this helps
(((((Hugs))))
Thank you for your reply, it has helped. I wish all the best with your mum x