Newbie here. My mum's the one with dementia. My father's still alive, he and my mum have always, always deeply loved each other. Problem is, he's a very... tempestuous person. All of us kids live far, far away, and none of my 3 brothers and sisters will visit them unless I'm there too. (I'm on a different continent, with small children, but have been going back every two months.) Our father used to beat us up when we were at home, and my mother never stopped him. No major broken bones or torture, more outbursts of uncontrolled rage, but at the worst, cracked some of my ribs when I was 8, broke one of my brother's fingers, broke a lot of furniture chasing us. But never hit my mother in those days.
Once she had dementia, he started hitting her. Not often, and not hard, more like a single slap from time to time, but he couldn't seem to keep his temper with her confusion, and I know these things can escalate potentially. I started talking to our local social services -- then I shipped her to hospital with what turned out to be an unrelated but life-threatening illness -- and one of the nurses saw my father slap her, so the police got involved and my mother was sectioned to prevent him taking her home.
Once all the dust had settled, I had managed to get my mother into quite a good nursing home where she seemed happy enough, except when she noticed my father wasn't there, and would wander around grieving and asking for him like an abandoned child. And he was withering away with sadness, not eating, drinking too much. Then my father got permission to take her home for occasional visits, despite my conversations with the head nurse... and next thing you know she's practically living at home again, and I fear he will be hitting her occasionally, though I'm not there.
But I know she'd rather be with him, even if he smacks her, than in the nursing home. And I assume from her unconcern when we were small that she has no real problem with his temper. (Or is that just belated resentment at her, bubbling up in me?) When I'm there, I can see how happy she is to be back home. I haven't actually seen him hit her recently. But I can't be there all the time.
I guess the question is: what do I do now? It was so hard to arrange that nursing home. There's only so much I can control from here. And, maybe ridiculous, but I still feel treacherous talking to people outside the family about this, even the nurse at the nursing home. Do I leave the two of them to drive one another mad, since that's what they want and they are all grown up?
Once she had dementia, he started hitting her. Not often, and not hard, more like a single slap from time to time, but he couldn't seem to keep his temper with her confusion, and I know these things can escalate potentially. I started talking to our local social services -- then I shipped her to hospital with what turned out to be an unrelated but life-threatening illness -- and one of the nurses saw my father slap her, so the police got involved and my mother was sectioned to prevent him taking her home.
Once all the dust had settled, I had managed to get my mother into quite a good nursing home where she seemed happy enough, except when she noticed my father wasn't there, and would wander around grieving and asking for him like an abandoned child. And he was withering away with sadness, not eating, drinking too much. Then my father got permission to take her home for occasional visits, despite my conversations with the head nurse... and next thing you know she's practically living at home again, and I fear he will be hitting her occasionally, though I'm not there.
But I know she'd rather be with him, even if he smacks her, than in the nursing home. And I assume from her unconcern when we were small that she has no real problem with his temper. (Or is that just belated resentment at her, bubbling up in me?) When I'm there, I can see how happy she is to be back home. I haven't actually seen him hit her recently. But I can't be there all the time.
I guess the question is: what do I do now? It was so hard to arrange that nursing home. There's only so much I can control from here. And, maybe ridiculous, but I still feel treacherous talking to people outside the family about this, even the nurse at the nursing home. Do I leave the two of them to drive one another mad, since that's what they want and they are all grown up?