Shadowing

[Annie Marie]

Hi everyone.
We are 5 years in to our mixed Alziemers and vascular dementia.
Mum also has heart failure.
I have retired to look after her and my 88 yr old Dad.

Lord, it’s hard!

Mum will now follow my everywhere.
She gets so anxious and nervous if I’m not there.
My Dad does his best bust just shouts and tells her what to do - hence she doesn’t want to be alone with him.

I can’t go anywhere or do anything. I can’t leave them alone, I spend the whole time worrying if I do.

I’ve worked in healthcare all my life but this has me stumped. It’s really taking its toll now.
Any ideas?

I have much respect for anyone and everyone coping on this journey .

Thank you x

 

[Kevinl]

Tell me about it, I couldn't be out of my (now late) wife's sight for one minute, not even to answer the call of nature, tough as i was I'd do all again tomorrow if I could get her back.
K

 

[northumbrian_k]

Hi @Annie Marie and welcome to Dementia Support Forum our friendly and helpful community. I am sorry to hear about your Mum. I admire your decision to look after her. However it seems that between your dad's frustration and your hands-on care you have created a level of dependency (your mum on you) that is difficult for you. Carers do need time to themselves and you are no exception to this. Perhaps getting some help from visiting professional carers would help. Are there any day centres or respite opportunities available in your local area?

 

[Gosling]

Hello @Annie Marie and welcome from me also to this supportive community. I am glad you have found us, as you will always find true understanding from members that really want to help.

 

[Grannie G]

Welcome @Annie Marie

I agree with what's already been said. You seriously need some help.

Too many people put it off because a] they think they can manage and b] they resist what they consider might be an intrusion.

There was no one more private than my husband. He hated having any workmen in the house and I put help off as long as I could.

When I eventually realised I needed it, and it was pressure from the members of this forum, I found a local agency and the manager made a home visit to discuss our needs. Even that discussion was held in the kitchen because my husband didn`t want to know.

The carer who came was excellent. My husband thought she was coming to help me with housework and she won him over on the first visit.

Please try to get some help. If you get to the stage of carer breakdown emergency care for your parents will not be what you would choose.

 

[Annie Marie]

Thank you everyone for your support and comments.
It’s so good to be able to speak to others who know how you feel!
I’m going to contact some home carers next week when they open again.
Happy New Year
A xx

 

[Kristo]

My dad shadows my mum everywhere - I have him once a month for a few hours but he is getting fed up with that now! We found a couple of local carers groups (memory cafe and a music support group) that they go to together - that way Dad can still be with Mum but she gets to talk to other humans and leave the house. You could try this to start with? Don’t give them an option to say no, just say “we’re popping out today”. I have also engaged a care agency to do an initial assessment at home and they are going to start sending someone in the new year. Do it now, the waiting lists and admin take longer than you think, so if you can make a start with the support before it gets really desperate then you will all benefit. Good luck, I feel your frustration!!