I'm so, so sorry - I know exactly how you feel. Ma is in the UK and I'm in the US.
On really, really bad days (for me), I just want to sell up and move back to UK and deal with what I have to. The guilt and "what ifs".
On just bad days, I realise even if I'm next door
I can't fix it.
It's dementia. She's not going to get better. Most of the time she's trembling over the phone and crying when I video call with her. Oh and yes, I've abandoned her too.
You don't stop thinking about it. You don't stop trying to "fix" it. It's blimmin awful. The guilt - aaarrrrgggggg! It's always there.
Ma's been in the home for over 4 months now and not settled. But she won't. She's feisty and stubborn and that won't go away.
The staff at one point tried to complain to me about Ma. She was pacing all the time and going into people's rooms (looking for me - not sleeping or going in the beds like some have done in her room)
I mean, seriously?!?! I've seen people spit and be verbally abusive and Ma's pacing is annoying you? There's more but I digress.
My point is -
Today is not such a bad day and I realise I've done everything I can possibly do to help her. I've put her in a safe place. YOU have put your Ma in a safe place. You have done the right thing.
Ma's not happy there but she wasn't happy at home.
She doesn't wanna bathe - leave her. I asked her one time why she wouldn't shower and she said "where am I going? who's going to notice?". She has a point. I did say, well the people in the church will notice but whatever. The more they left her alone and made her think it was her choice - the more she's fine with it.
They stuff her with food all the time - the more they force her to eat, the more she would not eat. I told them to NOT force her. Just leave it there and if she wants it, there you go. If not, that's okay too.
I let the home deal with it. That's why she's there.
They will never take care of her the way you did. But at some point, you wouldn't be able to either.
If anyone ever harmed her or I felt she was unsafe, then I would move her to another home (lord help me, I will have a breakdown if I have to do that) but never back "home".
Try and breathe. And not be so hard on yourself. There's only so much you can do. xxx