1. connie

    connie Registered User

    Mar 7, 2004
    9,519
    Frinton-on-Sea
    Sad weekend. I try so hard to keep Lionel with me in all things. This includes going out to our favourite Italian restaurant.
    They have always been so accommodating, accepting Lionel dropping off to sleep between courses, slopping food etc.

    Last evening he needed to go to the loo between courses. I escorted him as usual, he nodding left and right as we went. Fine, except he kicked over an ice bucket in a stand. I explained this (whilst we were in the toilet) and he got very distressed. So much so that he could not sit down when we returned to our seats (He has very poor spatial awareness) and he fell over the side of his chair.

    He was totally out of it, so I eventually got him into his coat and brought him home.
    (This was extremely difficult and took me some 50?60 mins to actually get him into bed).

    My dilemma: he remembers NOTHING. I did not even get to finish my main course. I still have to go back and pay the bill. (Props. Are super, but this behaviour cannot be good for business) and DO I REALLY WANT TO GO THROUGH THIS AGAIN.

    He is always ready to go out, it is just getting harder and harder. I just want to run away and hide. I know I am in denial about how his condition is deteriating, and I so want to do what is right for him……………….Tired, Connie
     
  2. KarenC

    KarenC Registered User

    Jun 2, 2005
    122
    Los Angeles, USA
    Sorry to hear you had such a mess at the restaurant. You are surely going to heroic lengths to try to make life as "normal" and nice for Lionel as possible. Take care of yourself.

    Karen
     
  3. Nutty Nan

    Nutty Nan Registered User

    Nov 2, 2003
    787
    Buckinghamshire
    Dear Connie,
    I hope you've both had a good night's sleep - it is so sad when things we once enjoyed together don't 'work' any longer.

    It is so hard to decide when to 'let go' of activities that were once enjoyable and a treat - outings, holidays, visits ....... I have found that my husband's 'abilities' have always determined the boundaries. We've kept things going as long as possible, but our world has been shrinking all the time, and sadly, we are now pretty much housebound, since he is unable to get into the car (or out of it again ...). He doesn't miss the outings, and I am not overly fussed, but what I do find hard is that for so many years I have been doing my best to make life as sociable and varied and interesting as possible, whereas now I have to accept that he doesn't actually need all that activity any longer.

    It's not easy to 'live in their world' ...............

    Take a deep breath, Connie, and go back to the restaurant as long as you can. Perhaps a weekday evening, when things are a little less busy, might be easier for you both?

    Thinking of you. Take Care!
     
  4. Rosalind

    Rosalind Registered User

    Jul 2, 2005
    203
    Wiltshire
    I'm with you, Nan. Sometimes I wonder if we, the carers, try to keep doing things the sufferers really are not bothered about, in an attempt not to acknowledge reality. I am terribly sad that my husband and I will never have a holiday again, but he gets agitated if we go as far as the county town, didn;t have a clue where he was two days into a trip to Norfolk, and disappeared completely for 36 hours in Greece. He, of course, does not remember the bad experiences, and says things like 'I'd like to go back to India again' when in fact he would not enjoy it.

    It might be better to reminisce at home with them about great meals out or holidays, if they can remember them, than go through the hell of trying to do things that used to be fun and really are not any more.

    But for the sake of the carer's sanity they should try to have the odd meal out, or holiday. I have the odd lady's lunch with friends, and have managed a week away, although husband is deteriorating fast and I am not sure that visiting carers would be enough now for me to go away.

    He's supposedly keeping an eye on some soup in the kitchen right now, so better go and see that all is well!
     
  5. Brucie

    Brucie Registered User

    Jan 31, 2004
    12,413
    near London
    Hi Connie
    losing the nice evenings in restaurants is awful, we passed that hurdle 5-6 years ago. Actually, our problems were severalfold.
    • Jan had major troubles with cutlery and this upset her
    • Jan wanted to choose her food but couldn't concentrate enough on the menu to see what was on offer, even if it was a place we went to often, and she always had the same thing. For me to order underlined her helplessness which upset her - and me
    • her ears became unable to differentiate sounds. Background noise became as loud to her as my speaking to her, and we had many confused and difficult attempts at conversation.
    • it all just made her miserable

    She never appeared to miss eating out after we had stopped - too much else to confuse her by then.

    I used to love going out with her as I was so proud of being on the arm of such a beauty. The pain was probably mostly mine, as I identified another step downwards, and something we would never share again.

    so many steps, all down, and we're still descending.

    Hang on in there!
     
  6. Sheila

    Sheila Registered User

    Oct 23, 2003
    2,259
    West Sussex
    Dear Connie, how very sad for you this must be. As you say, Lionel now has no memory of it though. Perhaps this is your cue to change your outings. I had to do this with my Mum when meals out became too taxing. Instead, we went on trips out in the car, got chips in a bag to eat, or I pushed her round the town in her wheelchair. She especially liked market day when she chose her own sweets from the stall just as she had as a child. She also enjoyed going to the supermarket where I would bolt on a wheelchair basket. We discussed each item as it went in and it made her feel she was doing the shopping. Perhaps you could try similar with Lionel? Mum also liked to sit in the park near the playground and watch the littlies at play. Simple things I know, but maybe thats the key. Thinking of you, lotsaluv, She. XX
     
  7. Nutty Nan

    Nutty Nan Registered User

    Nov 2, 2003
    787
    Buckinghamshire
    It is so, so hard to treat a spouse 'differently', to accept that the relationship that had worked so well can never be recaptured - it means, to some extent leaving my husband 'out of the equation', except of course for making sure that he is safe and cared for. But as yet I have not managed to find any joy in outings, meals, or anything else without him. :eek:
     
  8. Norman

    Norman Registered User

    Oct 9, 2003
    4,348
    Birmingham Hades
    Connie
    sorry you had a bad evening.
    We don't attend the dinners or social functions anymore.
    I used to love to see Peg in a long dress but that is all long gone now.
    Funny she doesn't seem to miss any of it.
     

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