Retaining a sense of independence re personal affairs

[a_mb]

Hello, we have been having some distressing conversations around money with my mother which have now resulted in her suspecting her family members or "someone" is taking her money without permission.

I think the issue is a sense of lack of control in her own affairs. We have POA as she lives alone is no longer able to deal with money. She is unable to use a cash machine or deal with financial matters but obviously remembers that she used to. We get her cash every few days but she hides it. The familiar local branch of her bank is now a wine bar which is very confusing. If we take her to a cash machine or show a balance or statement she forgets, doesn't understand the balance or focuses on money leaving in a statement. She doesn't understand why she can't access or see her own money so she believes it's being taken from her. Her argument is logical as she knows she used to be able to do something that sadly she is no longer able to.

I suspect the issue is about not feeling in control, as she has also recently started having carers to help with meds and food, but it's predominantly being artificulated through money. Does anyone have advice on how to give the perception of still being in control and independent or as mum says being treated "normal" please?

 

[Tin]

It does happen to all of us and in the end I had to stop talking to my mum about her money, it was just the endless story someone taking it, not having any or how much do I have, just on and on. I did give her one of her older bank statements and she kept it in her handbag that was always with her and so every now and then she would take it out and check her balance. I also gave her lots of change to put in her purse and this was counted a lot, it seemed to ease her anxiety.

 

[karaokePete]

Welcome to the forum. I'm sure someone will be along to give good advice soon.
I don't have personal experience of this as my wife is quite happy for me to take 100% control of our finances. However, I have read on the forum that some members leave an amount of cash like £40 in a persons wallet/purse to leave them with a feeling that they still control their finances. Would that help?

 

[Amethyst59]

That’s what we do now. My OH carries about £40, and I keep him topped up. He is aware that he can’t use cash machines, and upset about it. In some ways, I think that is sadder for him, than if he just couldn’t do it.

 

[TheBearsMummy]

My MiL too has an old bank statement (2012) that she keeps in her handbag and constantly gets out to look at and lots of small change in her purse that she keeps showing to me

 

[Beate]

Monopoly money comes to mind!

 

[Bod]

Hello, we have been having some distressing conversations around money with my mother which have now resulted in her suspecting her family members or "someone" is taking her money without permission.

I think the issue is a sense of lack of control in her own affairs. We have POA as she lives alone is no longer able to deal with money. She is unable to use a cash machine or deal with financial matters but obviously remembers that she used to. We get her cash every few days but she hides it. The familiar local branch of her bank is now a wine bar which is very confusing. If we take her to a cash machine or show a balance or statement she forgets, doesn't understand the balance or focuses on money leaving in a statement. She doesn't understand why she can't access or see her own money so she believes it's being taken from her. Her argument is logical as she knows she used to be able to do something that sadly she is no longer able to.

I suspect the issue is about not feeling in control, as she has also recently started having carers to help with meds and food, but it's predominantly being artificulated through money. Does anyone have advice on how to give the perception of still being in control and independent or as mum says being treated "normal" please?

Could she sign a cheque?
Paying the gas bill by cheque, might help settle her, she'd have some "control" over her money.
Just be sure to "post" the cheque yourself, and don't let on the direct debit you set up last year!

Bod

 

[marionq]

My husband hasn’t paid for anything in years but has a little leather purse with a fiver and a pile of change in it. Occasionally I will ask him to lend me a coin if I need change and he’s pleased to do this. He checks his purse daily.

 

[a_mb]

Thank you everyone for your responses, they are very helpful.
We do get mum cash for her purse, I think she uses some of it and hides some of it in the house too! Perhaps smaller amounts, more frequently would be helpful.
We're not quite at the stage of monopoly money yet but I shall remember that tip for the future! Writing cheques is an interesting idea because that feeling of being involved is so important.
I think part of mum's concern comes from not being able to see her bank or her money in it. The concept of a digital banking system is so hard to grasp, we almost need a big vault with bags of money with a name tag!
Avoiding getting drawn into the circular conversations, especially on the phone, is the best approach but conversations can be so hard to head off.
Thank you again everyone.

 

[Rosettastone57]

Hello, we have been having some distressing conversations around money with my mother which have now resulted in her suspecting her family members or "someone" is taking her money without permission.

I think the issue is a sense of lack of control in her own affairs. We have POA as she lives alone is no longer able to deal with money. She is unable to use a cash machine or deal with financial matters but obviously remembers that she used to. We get her cash every few days but she hides it. The familiar local branch of her bank is now a wine bar which is very confusing. If we take her to a cash machine or show a balance or statement she forgets, doesn't understand the balance or focuses on money leaving in a statement. She doesn't understand why she can't access or see her own money so she believes it's being taken from her. Her argument is logical as she knows she used to be able to do something that sadly she is no longer able to.

I suspect the issue is about not feeling in control, as she has also recently started having carers to help with meds and food, but it's predominantly being artificulated through money. Does anyone have advice on how to give the perception of still being in control and independent or as mum says being treated "normal" please?

This is very common. I have power of attorney along with my husband over my mother in laws finances. We decided to go paperless at the bank once we had control of her finances as once her bank statements used to arrive in the post she was getting very anxious and confused over them. However she seemed to get the idea that as there were no statements arriving in the post therefore someone has stolen large sums of money from her. In fact what we had done we had moved £12,000 to an online saver to get the best interest to pay for her care fees. We decided that to try and explain this to her would cause her too much anxiety and she simply wouldn't understand the principles . How we resolved this was that we printed out a copy of her recent bank statement then we scanned it and altered the date so it then gave her the most recent statement still showing the £12000 in it. This may seem like an extreme version of a love lie but it was the only way we could deal with it to keep her calm. Now we simply do not discuss any money matters with her at all