1. storm

    storm Registered User

    Aug 10, 2004
    Hi all, I have just had a visit from mental health team who have told me that after the test they did mum now is in the latter stages of dementia which i already suspected. The problem is they are advising me to take up the offer of respite care ,do i start it for a day a weekend i am frightend that mum will get more confused being put in a strange place and it will make my job so much harder when she comes back.Then theres the guilt it seems like admitting defeat, iknow thats wrong but i am so confused i dont know what im asking you guys for because i know the pros and cons but you are the only ones who understand how i feel.storm
  2. Anne54

    Anne54 Registered User

    Sep 16, 2004
    Dear Storm

    The first time my husband went for respite it was for two nights, I cried the whole time, he loved it, was annoyed that I had come to fetch him home. The next time he went for one week he did not want to go but I knew he liked it there. Now he goes regularly it’s nice to be able to plan things to do for ME.
    That sounds very selfish but I don’t think I would still be able to look after him without a break.

  3. barraf

    barraf Registered User

    Mar 27, 2004
    Dear Storm

    Take full advantage of any respite offered, never mind the guilty feelings.

    I felt guilty the first time I had a sitter in for Margaret, but the feeling of release when you can plan and fulfil anything for yourself is amazing. Sometime I only go for a walk but knowing someone else has capably taken the responsibility for Margaret even for a few hours frees my spirit.

    We are all so sure that no one can deal with our loved ones as we do, that we don't alway take full advantage when respite of one sort or another is offered.

    It is the only way to recharge our batteries so neccessary for the continued caring of our nearest and dearest.

    So go ahead, you are not admitting defeat you are recouping your resourses.

    Love Barraf
  4. storm

    storm Registered User

    Aug 10, 2004
    thanks for your replies i know that you are right but what if she hates it and it really sets her back and how. do i explain it to her, i know it sounds bad but i wish sometimes that she was just that little bit more confused so she didnt know i was going to leave her.Oh blast this illness! storm
  5. mandy

    mandy Registered User

    Nov 7, 2003
    respite care

    Hi storm

    I know exactly how you feel about respite.

    Mum has alzheimers and for the last twelve months or so everyone has been saying that we should get her in for respite care. We didnt want to do this as we thought it could set her back and she would be unhappy.

    Unfortunately my dad is now so worn out after looking after mum for six years that we have ended up with mum being admitted to hospital due to behavioural problems and now have to look at nursing homes for her.

    Before this happened a few weeks ago we did arrange for mum to go to day care for the weekend. we took her at about 10am and she stayed there until tea time. We were worried about her all the time but when we picked her up she looked at us as if to say what are you doing here! She was happy and calm and the staff there said she had been fine and 'chatting' to other people there.

    she went again the next weekend and enjoyed it again. This gave me and my dad a break to catch up with our own jobs and it was good to have a bit of space.

    The thing is if you take the respite care your mum may enjoy it and you will feel so much better to cope with having a break. That way hopefully things can go on as normal for as long as possible.

    Good luck

  6. Mjaqmac

    Mjaqmac Registered User

    Mar 13, 2004
    Take the respite Stormy, the first time is always hard but usually for the carer not the loved one. You need a break honey, it's in your's and mum's best interests, take it from one whom actually had to collapse before I took it. It was difficult the first time, then a routine established.

    You will cope either way if mum likes it or not, don't you always cope? It's what carers do! Take her out if you're not happy, but you will never know if you don't try.

    Good luck and thank you for supporting me all the time.
  7. storm

    storm Registered User

    Aug 10, 2004
    Dear mandy& magic,Thank you both so much i was driving myself bonkers till i read your messages.I now realise i have been totaly selfish mum needs me my husband and family need me and if i carry on much longer as i am nobody will have me because i will just burn myself out. Never again will i underestimate the power of the written word! love storm
  8. Jude

    Jude Registered User

    Dear Storm,

    Have a look at Helen's thread. She's just taken the big step of the first respite period for her mother. It can't be easy but the benefits will be enormous.

    Give it a whirl and see how you all go.


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