1. Expert Q&A: Protecting a person with dementia from financial abuse - Weds 26 June, 3:30-4:30 pm

    Financial abuse can have serious consequences for a person with dementia. Find out how to protect a person with dementia from financial abuse.

    Sam, our Knowledge Officer (Legal and Welfare Rights) is our expert on this topic. She will be here to answer your questions on Wednesday 26 June between 3:30 - 4:30 pm.

    You can either post questions >here< or email them to us at talkingpoint@alzheimers.org.uk and we'll answer as many as we can on the day.

  1. Gill W

    Gill W Registered User

    Jan 31, 2007
    190
    Co. Durham
    Hi all,

    Little old me again, with yet more questions. (Detects a collective sigh....lol)


    My Aunt announced yesterday that she is taking a weeks holiday in June, and she instructed(!) my Mum to consider putting Gran in respite Care for a week, so that Mum could have a break too.

    My question(s):

    Do SS decide if Gran fits the criteria for Respite care?
    Do they decide how long she goes for or doesn't go for?
    Do they pay for it, or do we have to fund it?
    Are we able to request where she goes for the respite period?
    If we request where she goes, do we have to pay or will they still pay if they do pay, if you see what I mean?
    How do we approach Gran with the idea of it? Do we tell her that it's a Care Home, or do we tell her she's having a holiday, just like Mum and my Aunt, what?

    I see this as a good opportunity for the home near me to see Gran, to assess her as they said they would if we ever went down this road. I think that it would be an ideal opportunity for Gran to see what a care home is like in this day and age, and may well spur her into seeing that it's best for her to go 24/7. I also know full well that Mum will not take the chance to have a week's break, it would be absolute agony for her to know that Gran was so close but she wasnt bothering with her, but are we allowed to visit her when she's in respite or what the heck?

    I've suggested to mum that it would be a good chance to get Gran to trust us with decisions, that we could tell her that she WILL be going home at the end of the week, and that as she WOULD go home, it would reinforce her faith in mum that she can be trusted. Am I making sense here?

    If anyone has any advice for me, it would be greatly appreciated. I'm going to go to the home tomorrow too, to see if they can give me any info for mum to help her decide what's best.

    Thanks, sorry for all the questions, I should have been called Magnus, I think!!

    Gill
    xx
     
  2. Amy

    Amy Registered User

    Jan 4, 2006
    3,453
    Goodness Gill - where do I start?

    Which do you think Gran would be more receptive too?

    Sorry, dont know how far advanced grans dementa is, but is she still capable of this level of reasoning?

    Yes, you can visit during respite - though you would have to be careful that it did not unsettle gran.

    Love Helen
     
  3. Gill W

    Gill W Registered User

    Jan 31, 2007
    190
    Co. Durham
    Hi Helen,

    Gran is late stage in my opinion, but all we can get from her consultant is that she is "fairly well advanced" and that he considers she should now be in care because she's started wandering, and we've had some near misses with gas escapes etc.

    It's hard to say which method would be best received by Gran, we've had times where she states quite clearly that she would like to be "where there's people, so's I can talk to someone, cos I never see anybody(!?)". then other times she poo-poo's the idea, as she's quite alright, thank you, there's no need for all that. But if we told her it was a holiday, and she cottoned on to the surroundings when she got there, she might go off on one and be upset with us for "lying".

    Gran is 86 now, and ails nothing but this damned illness, and she could live for another ten years like it. Mum is 64 now, and a widow, hence I try to give her all the moral support I can. She seemed genuinely upset about how she should approach it with Gran, and was dreading any argument about it. I think Mum deems it unnecessary to have arguments with Gran over things, and doesn't like the confrontations one little bit.

    And who pays and for how much is a bit of a minefield for mum. I try to find out things in here first, so that we can guage whether SS are fobbing us off or not, as they've been less than helpful so far.

    Gill
    xx
     
  4. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    17,000
    SW Scotland
    Sorry Gill. It's such a difficult decision, particularly as you say gran is otherwise fit.

    I'm sorry I can't help, haven't been there yet, and it's different up here anyway. Just wanted you to know I'm thinking of you.

    Love,
     
  5. Gill W

    Gill W Registered User

    Jan 31, 2007
    190
    Co. Durham
    Hazel,

    Thanks for that. I feel a bit cheeky keep coming in and picking people's brains and then not getting on for a while, we seem to have periods of quiet and then its all go and we need help.

    Gill
    xx
     
  6. Norman

    Norman Registered User

    Oct 9, 2003
    4,348
    Birmingham Hades
  7. noelphobic

    noelphobic Registered User

    Feb 24, 2006
    3,452
    Liverpool
    Hi Gill. Would your Gran be receptive to the idea that she's going for 'convalescence', as I've heard that used before? You should be 'allowed' to visit and there would be something very wrong if you weren't. I have heard that some homes discourage visiting as they see this as being unsettling for the person with dementia, and also because it defeats the object of respite. However, when my mum used to go to respite, unless I was actually away on holiday myself, I did used to visit.

    That brings me on to what I personally see as the hardest one of all. The problem with getting Gran to trust you, by telling her that she is only there for a week and then proving it by taking her home at the end of the week is

    a) will she remember at the end of the week what you told her at the beginning of the week?

    and

    b) if she does eventually go into permanent residential care then it wouldn't be surprising if she asked to go home on a regular basis. This is very common and it happened a lot with my mum. How would you then handle it? Do you say 'actually, you are probably never ever coming home' or do you say 'yes, you're here for a week or so, just until you get better, and then you'll be coming home'?

    For many reasons, most of us will give the second answer. I don't think that is wrong, but you have to reconcile that with the matter of trust.

    I've probably confused you even more, and if so I apologise!
     
  8. Margarita

    Margarita Registered User

    Feb 17, 2006
    10,824
    london
    #8 Margarita, Apr 18, 2007
    Last edited: Apr 18, 2007
    They is no criteria
    Only a assessment in what kind of care home as in nursing care home or residence care home


    In my area we get 8 weeks a year , so I spead that over a year , so I tell them how many weeks I want .

    In my area its more to do if they is a vacancy at the care home I like , then of course I am sure they is a limit they pay (SS), but normal the good one are not empt as I don’t think they keep room empty just for people just for respite




    If you can afford it, but if you have been assess for funding, they will try to get you in , but like I said before it all depends if they is space , as you can request it even ask the home even if you pay for it , but if they is no space no rooms , your just have to wait to they is, then your waiting for someone to pass away before a space come up.

    As I got a phone call to day ( from a care home ) that my SW must of rang asking if they was space , on my last respite few weeks back.

    she phone me to say they was now 3 spaces as 3 people had died . I did not want to tell her that I am glad mum did not go they , because I never like the place anyway , but did not want to be rude .



    I learn the hard way , telling mum to soon , so I tell her the day before ,
    my mother no her surrounding , so had to chock out of me to her, care home , I had to keep telling her a million time that I was picking her up , poor think was so worried that I was not going to bring her home to the point of paranoia. but I got her they , now she use to it , see it like a hotel because she gets 3 meals and they do her hair , they treat her nice and yes of course I always pick her up to take her back home.

    I know that feeling if my mother was in a respite near me , I would visit , that why may be SW sends her so far way 1 hours drive .

    Yes that sounds good

    That has / would never spur my mother thats for sure , she would have to be in real last stage , as in not knowing, I or her surounding.


    Print or write all those Question out not the last one ( last quote )if I was you and ask social worker
     
  9. noelphobic

    noelphobic Registered User

    Feb 24, 2006
    3,452
    Liverpool
    I think some homes may keep rooms just for respite. My mum used to go to a council run home and they had 2 separate wings - one for permanent residents and one for respite. Sadly that has closed down now. However, in the nursing home she now lives in, the room next to hers is actually kept just for respite. I don't know how it works as it may be that the Local Authority actually pays for that room on an ongoing basis. However, the home must consider it worth their while to keep a room for respite. Obviously it may also mean that they are booked up well in advance.

    Brenda
     
  10. Margarita

    Margarita Registered User

    Feb 17, 2006
    10,824
    london
    Yes its more like pot luck , just that with are SS , we can not pre book in the one we like.My mother have only been going to Privately run care home that is part funded by SS out side my area .


    In my area they is only 2 very good privately run care home( Nursing care home .) that SS will only consider respite for my mother if she needed nursing care .

    As they have closed down 2 local authority care home in my area .
     
  11. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    17,000
    SW Scotland
    There's only on NH here that keeps rooms for respite. They have four, which are on contract to SS, so they get paid for them anyway.

    The other NHs will take respite cases if they have a spare room, but as they normally have waiting lists, that's not very likely. They say thay can't afford to keep rooms empty unless thay have the SS contract.

    So in fact we have no choice.
     
  12. Lila13

    Lila13 Registered User

    Feb 24, 2006
    1,342
    It was the social worker who arranged my mother's one and only respite stay.

    My mother had to fund part of it (I can't remember how they worked out how much of it she had to pay) but didn't know she was paying.

    There was only one place available at short notice and that was only because one of their regulars was going away for an Easter holiday.

    My mother was capable of understanding where she was going and why. She already knew about the respite home from neighbours, nurses, carers.

    We had to go along for a whole day assessment (it was supposed to be from 10 till 4, but she insisted on going home early) beforehand, the assessment was supposed to be a 2-way thing. As far as I could tell the assessment only consisted of one of their staff asking a few simple questions, but they must have observed her behaviour with their other "guests" during the rest of the day.

    I visited her twice during her 12 days there although my brother and aunt told me not to, the staff were fine about visitors except during mealtimes.

    Of course I am not advising anyone, everyone's different.



    Lila
     
  13. Gill W

    Gill W Registered User

    Jan 31, 2007
    190
    Co. Durham
    Thanks everyone,

    For all your replies.

    The link was useful Norman, thank you. Printing the information as I type.

    I've been to the home near me again this morning, the member of staff I spoke to remembers me from a visit with my Mum sometime last year!

    I was informed we could go one of two way: through Social Services, or privately. There was no mention of what the fees would be through Social Services, but privately it would cost £450 a week, which I didn't think was all that bad. Gran has sufficient funds to finance it, and I am inclined to think it may be the easier option. Given that Social Services have done very little for us in the past, I think we could just cut out the middle man and organise it ourselves.

    The home will hold a bed for Gran if we pay privately I believe, but if we organise through Social Services, and the bed becomes needed, we lose out. At least that's the way I picked it up.

    I'm stumped as to how we could put it across to Gran. I agree that if she went home after this respite period then went there 24/7, we might have a problem. I just don't know how to approach it. I think it's an excellent idea, but persuading Gran of that is a different topic altogether. There are few moments where she is lucid and understanding now and her opinion of herself changes from week to week. She can argue that there's not a damn thing wrong with her one day, then another day she will admit there are problems, and that she needs to be cared for properly. I would love to seize the chance to get Gran in the home for a week, and show her that I am on hand everyday for her, not just 2 or 3 days a week then. Mum just dreads the thought of bringing the subject up with her, so I'm planning on having a chat with Gran myself if I can get to her in the next few days.

    Thanks for the advise so far, anything further will be greatly appreciated.

    Gill
    xx
     
  14. Nell

    Nell Registered User

    Aug 9, 2005
    1,170
    Australia
    Just wondering if you could approach the subject with Gran by saying your Mum is run down and needs a rest . . . .?? This would require cooperation from your Mum, but it sounds from your post as if she does need a break. If you could persuade Gran that she is doing it for her daughter's sake, she might be more accepting . . . .??? Also, perhaps you could convince your Mum not to visit by offering to visit Gran yourself while she is in respite and reporting back to your Mum . . . ???
    Only you can know if these suggestions have any value in your situation. The best of luck, however you deal with it. Nell
     
  15. Margarita

    Margarita Registered User

    Feb 17, 2006
    10,824
    london
    #15 Margarita, Apr 20, 2007
    Last edited: Apr 20, 2007
     

Share This Page

  1. This site uses cookies to help personalise content, tailor your experience and to keep you logged in if you register.
    By continuing to use this site, you are consenting to our use of cookies.
  1. This site uses cookies to help personalise content, tailor your experience and to keep you logged in if you register.
    By continuing to use this site, you are consenting to our use of cookies.