1. 1mindy

    1mindy Registered User

    Jul 21, 2015
    539
    Female
    Shropshire
    I have been very torn on the respite care for moving house next week.
    As said I need it to get organised and just to have a more stress free move. I spoke to the wonderful staff at the day care and they assured me it is the right thing to do. Less stress for me and him , a break for him, as I am not punishing him !
    So yesterday I went to see the care home that has a space next week, starting Sunday. Really nice ,modern clean ,staff seem nice, lovely room ,good size ,en suite which he needs as he showers every day. He is fully fit and mobile, looks wonderful,and can be very loving,but this dementia has really moved a pace.
    So I have decided to take him on Sunday but am in mental tumoil over it , the home have said its best not to visit as it will be very unsettling as he is only therefore week.Can anyone give me any words of comfort please.
     
  2. fizzie

    fizzie Registered User

    Jul 20, 2011
    2,731
    Hi Mindy
    I'm sure that you have done the right thing. Just from a practical point of view a move would be so unsettling for him - it would be like groundhog day as things disappeared and reappeared in a different place. Nightmare! He probably will be a bit unsettled but not nearly as up in the air as he would in the middle of a move!!!!

    It would also be impossible for you to get it all sorted in an ordered way whilst looking after someone. Most of the people I know with children have them stay with grandparents for several days when they move -- it just makes sense.
    You are doing your absolute best for him and for you - well done!!!

    It's only a week and they often advise not to visit but some people find it helps both them and OH so be guided by your own instinct and see how you feel during the week - nothing is set in stone.

    You've done the right thing xxx
     
  3. sah

    sah Registered User

    Apr 20, 2009
    332
    Dorset
    I have literally just got home after dropping OH off for his first lot of respite care. I know it makes sense...but it was really hard to do. I've also been told not to visit although I will ring tonight to see how he is. I do feel that is the best advice; he attends day care at the same place and thinks that it is time to go home if he sees me, so it will just make it more painful for both of us as he has no short term memory at al now.

    I am going away next week which is why I booked him in - first break in eight years! - but I know I needed a break as am very close to burn out. Moving house is stressful anyway so it makes sense for you to do this -plus you are entitled to a break from caring as well!

    Hope all goes well with the move!
     
  4. Scarlett123

    Scarlett123 Registered User

    Apr 30, 2013
    3,802
    Essex
    Moving house ranks high in the top ten for stress-inducing, along with divorce, death and serious illness. So you are doing the absolute right thing in sourcing somewhere that is calm, has excellent facilities and will take care of your husband.

    As it's only for a week, it would be less unsettling if you didn't visit. I'm sure you will have quite enough to do, and be stressed enough yourself!!!!
     
  5. Scarlett123

    Scarlett123 Registered User

    Apr 30, 2013
    3,802
    Essex
    You deserve your break, and again, it's best that you don't visit. When my late husband went for respite, whilst I was having, and recuperating from, a knee operation, I phoned the Home daily, sometimes twice a day, but didn't visit for a fortnight.

    Enjoy your break - you deserve it. xxxxxxxxxxxxx
     
  6. gwincy

    gwincy Registered User

    May 18, 2014
    17
    Cheshire
    I am sure you are doing the right thing, moving house is stressful at the best of times and you can get everything settled by the time he comes out. My husband has been in respite three times for one week and I have not visited just phoned and checked he was ok. He is now in for three weeks and I am not going to think about visiting until the second week. They do settle down and the last thing you want to do is unsettle him again.

    Good luck with the move.
     
  7. 1mindy

    1mindy Registered User

    Jul 21, 2015
    539
    Female
    Shropshire
    Thank you all for these very positive posts. I told my daughter and she was very stilted in the conversation on the phone.She was horrified that I wasn't going to visit. Said she would as she could not just leave him there. Why do I think they don't understand what I live with24/7 . So having read everything I s hall just leave her to visit and give myself a break , oh and home move,oh and meeting the caterers for our daughters wedding, oh and moving the cats oh and baby sitting my sons new puppy . Not too much for one person to deal with really.....:)
     
  8. Jinx

    Jinx Registered User

    Mar 13, 2014
    2,333
    Pontypool
    Mindy, when we moved house a year ago, my husband went into respite for three nights. I got the removal people to pack so that there were no boxes or things disappearing while OH was still at home. Once he went into respite it was all systems go, pack, move unpack get as straight as possible and then pick him up again. It worked really well, he knew we were moving but wasn't subjected to any of the stress. I would definitely recommend respite for this, the move will be stressful for you in any case without the added problems of looking after your husband. Good luck! xxxx


    Sent from my iPad using Talking Point
     
  9. fizzie

    fizzie Registered User

    Jul 20, 2011
    2,731
    oh my goodness that is a LOT!!!! It's good if your daughter is going to visit, she can keep you up to date whilst you bustle on = I think i would be inclined to put the cats in the cattery for a few days as well!!
     
  10. 1mindy

    1mindy Registered User

    Jul 21, 2015
    539
    Female
    Shropshire
    Yes I thought about the cattery may well do that .lwill enquire tomorrow. Thanks.
     
  11. Aisling

    Aisling Registered User

    Dec 5, 2015
    1,807
    Ireland
    Hi Mindy,

    The care home sounds great so take a deep breath and do it ! You are doing this for both of you.

    Aisling (Ireland)
     
  12. Aisling

    Aisling Registered User

    Dec 5, 2015
    1,807
    Ireland
    Hi Mindy,

    Hope you are ok.

    Aisling
     
  13. 1mindy

    1mindy Registered User

    Jul 21, 2015
    539
    Female
    Shropshire
    I have been washing ironing and packing for tomorrow. The home rang today to see if I wanted to stop and have lunch with OH. I said no I would just drop him off. I then asked if that is what others do , as a huge waive of guilt came over me . They said whatever is right for you. I have no idea what is right for me. I feel very cruel just now. I am really dreading tomorrow. Due to drop him off at 10.30. I hate the fact that he is totally in the dark about this.
     
  14. Frank68

    Frank68 Registered User

    Jan 28, 2013
    76
    South Coast
    Hope your move goes well

    Hi, I have not posted for ages as life has become more and more hectic as my wife's condition has worsened. However, for the past ten days we have had separate rooms so at least in the many wakeful times I can read, make a cuppa, listen to the World Service, log in here - time to suit myself!
    Your post, 1mindy, echoes my feelings when I first took Sue to the Day Centre: I was so wound up - expected problems - and she walked off without a backward glance! Same every time too icluding moving into a different bedroom after 48 years!! I'm the one left in bits that she doesn't seem to miss me at all.... I suppose it is much the same as leaving your child at the school gates for their first day but with the big difference that children can remember Mummy and Home whereas Sue now has no memory at all really.
    Your decision re the respite is, as everyone has said, the only real option. You like the care home and the staff. Their advice seems sound, and I favour your instinct not to stop for lunch as only delays the moment of parting; probably better for him to settle straight into his new day there.
    Be thinking of you - tough day, as all these milestone days are.....
     
  15. 1mindy

    1mindy Registered User

    Jul 21, 2015
    539
    Female
    Shropshire
    Thankyou Frank68 for taking the time to post. My OH went to day care just a few weeks ago and yes he settled straight away so I am hoping today will be the same. You clearly are awake at all times as am I and I suppose numerous others, which brings into play the separate rooms. For some reason out of the blue OH keeps saying when we move he is having his own room no idea where this has come from so this may happen, as at least then I can do as I please in my waking hours but not sure on this one as I'm not great on my own and lonely is an all too familiar thing now. These changes are coming way too fast for me .
     
  16. gwincy

    gwincy Registered User

    May 18, 2014
    17
    Cheshire
    I know exactly how you are feeling. My husband has now been in respite for a week and whilst I could have killed him before he went in I would now give anything to have him back. He is in for another two weeks before I decide whether to put him in permanently. Its funny but all the things I wanted to do when he was here and couldn't I don't want to do now. The awful thing is everything is down to me, I have to make the decision, our children, who have been very little help say I have done more than enough, our friends say he is happy in the home so why not, the community pyshciatric nurse says he won't get easier, but it's my decision and it weighs very heavily.

    Hope your move goes okay but I would definitely put the cats in kennels at least you don't have to worry about them escaping, then settle in and have a bit of me time in your new house.
     
  17. Scarlett123

    Scarlett123 Registered User

    Apr 30, 2013
    3,802
    Essex
    Oh gwincy, your heartfelt post brought back memories of when John went for respite care which, due to various situations during his stay, became permanent care. Everything was down to me too and after 12 years, my tether had been reached ages ago.

    When he died a few months later, I initially felt guilty that I hadn't kept him with me longer, but at that time, I had no way of knowing whether he'd live for another 6 months, 6 years or 20 years, and I realised that it was futile to have regrets. I was exhausted, I'd done my best, which may have been more than some carers, and less than others, but it was my best - nobody elses.

    If you are blessed with a huge extended family, and a massive network of willing friends, I'm sure it is a much easier life, but when you're walking this awful path alone, and are on duty 24/7, nobody, but nobody has a right to criticise any decisions you make. I remember visiting John one morning, to be told that he'd been up and down all night, something that frequently happened when he was at home with me.

    But the difference was, the carers who had been up and down all night with him, had their breakfast and then went home, and the day shift took over. If you're the sole carer, you're both the day and night shift. You'll know what's right for you, my love and I wish you well. xxx
     
  18. 1mindy

    1mindy Registered User

    Jul 21, 2015
    539
    Female
    Shropshire
    Update

    Well. Our daughter went to visit her dad today. Just got the update. She said that one of the carers had told her that he has been asking today where his wife was so it appears he remembers he has one. She went in and he was sitting in the lounge.She went over gave him a hug and sat listening to him for an hour she said he seemed happy but clearly did not know where he was and never asked about home.So all appears well so far .
     
  19. Frank68

    Frank68 Registered User

    Jan 28, 2013
    76
    South Coast
    Pleased!

    Just to say that I'm pleased for you that all appears to be going well so far - your daughter felt he was happy and that is what we all hope for, don't we. Sure you will be missing him though... This disease throws new challenges at us every day: peace to you this night and in the coming days.
    Frank68
     
  20. Jinx

    Jinx Registered User

    Mar 13, 2014
    2,333
    Pontypool
    1mindy, pleased to read 'so far so good' with respite and fingers crossed it remains so. Hope you can kick the guilt monster in the teeth and relax a bit. xxxxxx


    Sent from my iPad using Talking Point
     

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