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Discussion in 'I have a partner with dementia' started by 1mindy, Jan 22, 2016.
I'm so pleased it's going well
The first respite is as terrifying for the carer as we think it is for the person with dementia. What people don`t realise is sometime decisions have to be made which are the lesser evil.
There is no way anyone can move house and keep to a normal routine. I`m glad you stood your ground 1mindy. You know your current responsibilities better than anyone and its so easy, but also so annoying for others, even lovely daughters, to sit in judgement.
I`m please your OH has accepted respite care and hope the move goes well.
Very heartened to read your post xxx
Well here we are
So I have been off line since the move but a kind friend leant me a dongle to enable me to speak to you all again.
Respite went better than I ever could have hoped. He loved it at the hotel where everyone was lovely and it didn't cost him anything. He wants to go back again soon . So i have booked him in for the week when I go to New York with my daughter for 4 nights but am contemplating a fortnight as he only came home on Sunday and already I am exhausted.
House move went well got the decorators and builders in at the moment and am chasing round choosing carpets wall paper and new kitchen.
OH going now to day care 3 days a week just for this week to give me some space. Not sure really how much more of his aggression ( just started again) , wandering , checking and just general bad attitude towards me , I can stand.
I know people have it far tougher and are very tolerant. But maybe I am not cut out to be a carer.
I'm so pleased that respite worked well & the house moved went well too.
So pleased to hear everything went well - respite and the move
Just asking..... Why only this week for day care? Can you not continue to send him? Lord knows you will need time for yourself once the decorators et al have gone, if only to decide whether to have coffee or tea at 11am.....
You doing good well done you xxxx
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So glad the move and respite went well. I first put my husband in respite in September as I felt I was at the end of my tether. He settled well and then after a week or so I again felt I could not cope and put him in for another week. I wasnt sure if my tolerance level had dropped with not having him at home for a week, but I think it was probably the realisation that life had become very hard. He started going for four days daycare but then became very difficult and would not do anything I asked him, so again at breaking point I put him in for 3 weeks with a view to permanent care. I am coming to the end of the 3 weeks and as he has settled very well and whilst he likes to see me never asks about coming home and so I have made the decision to make it permanent.
I do feel guilty as I have only been coping with him for five years and this is nothing to what some people on TP have done, but I have done my best. If I brought him back now I would be doing it for myself as I miss him so much, but deep down I know that he is getting better care at the home and the routine seems to suit him.
Er .... and who is? None of us ever envisaged that this would be "our lot" in life, and we can all only do our best. There are zillions of spouses who never have to go through the lives that AD carers have, and though they may say what they would do, or not do, they're not having to do it, are they!
It's hard work, harder than looking after babies, cos we were all young then, and babies are cute, and we know they'll grow out of their nappies. And when they reach the Terrible 2s - well looking back, it's wasn't so terrible. I remember taking John to a supermarket, and wishing I could put reins on him.
If the 3 days a week Day Care works out this week, could you not think of that as something permanent? I know cost, depending on your post code, can be horrendous, and I paid £9 an hour, but if I'd had to, and could have found any takers, I'd have done anything to pay for it.
Glad the move went well, and also the respite.
I must confess that I thought I would have some fairly harsh negative comments for not being able to cope as well as many people clearly do.
So thank you for being so kind . maybe three days a week on a perm basis will help me cope better. He really enjoys going there . Today he and three other men had a men only club and spent the afternoon chatting about all the important things in life whilst the carers supplied them with tea and coffee. I still am in awe of how they have made him feel part of their world.
Hello Mindy, you have done the best thing for your husband, and yourself. I am pleased for you that the 3 days respite went well, you need to have some time to yourself, consider your hubby having a couple of days a week, then you will cope better, most CH's do respite.
I'm glad things have gone so well. I'm another one in favour of you getting a regular 3 days for Day Care if you can.
The only people who may give you negative comments, are those who aren't walking in your shoes, and don't have a spouse or partner with AD. Even my closest friends and family hadn't a clue how hard it actually was.
If I had a £ for every person who said to me "yeah, I know what Alzheimer's is like. My uncle had it", I'd be a very rich woman. They probably visited their uncle, or whoever, twice a year and considered themselves an expert.
My husband was usually only at his clubs for about 4 hours maximum - he couldn't stay awake for longer than that - but it is such precious time for you and nobody can keep going, non stop, without a break from the endless grind.
And remember, the carers at these clubs finish their shifts and then go home to Alzheimer-free lives - and decent nights of sleep.
I love the sound of the 'men only club' - so how could you not agree to having him setting the world to rights more often - you'll both benefit (along with the world!)
not from anyone on TP, surely !
and we all cope and don't cope in our own way - not better, not worse - just doing what we can (stolen from Grannie G, I think)