Repeated phone calls

[Witzend]

At one point my mother was ringing my poor brother as many as 30 times in one hour. She was also ringing her long-suffering and very kind cleaning lady non-stop. It wasn't just this that precipitated the move to a care home, but it was a major part of it.

She would never have gone willingly into a care home - how many of them ever do? We had to employ deception and Valium from the GP, but by then she really wasn't safe to be left alone at all. If there is a Power of Attorney and self funding then you do not have to involve Social Services at all, or ask the opinion of anyone who has only met the person on their best behaviour for an occasional half hour and has no conception of the daily realities.

I do honestly think that by the time someone is like this, driving relatives mad with constant calls - and there isn't much you can do about it except take the phone away (usually just not on) - then it's time to be thinking about residential care, if you possibly can.

This sort of thing causes the most enormous stress and exhaustion and other people's lives and needs do most certainly matter just as much as the person who can't help driving their relatives mad - and who would almost certainly be horrified if their former self knew of all the stress they were causing.

We did not arrange a phone for my mother in her CH, although it would have been possible and we did think about it. For the first couple of weeks she was often asking to ring my brother but after an amazingly short while she seemed to forget all about ringing anybody.

And BTW I do not think anybody is remotely 'selfish' for seeking a way out of this sort of thing. Nobody who hasn't been through it can possibly understand how nerve-screamingly stressful and worrying it can be.

 

[CeliaW]

Witzend - as said, the problem is I dont have the POA - the person who does (arranged without family discussion btw) is my sister who is now seemingly changed her view re Mum needing to go into a CH :-(

 

[putsch]

Celia

As you know I understand the sister problem! Its so infuriating when you finally (and possibly reluctantly) have come to the realisation that a home would be best for your Mum that you are now having to agitate against unhelpful sister for a result you (and Mum) feel ambivalent about at best.

It really does seem as though it is time for a home and probably if you had Mum to yourself she would agree. Planning ahead means that you can get the right place rather than an emergency place but if your sister is like mine then none of that logic will make any difference.

My Mum is only in a home because her stroke left her so disabled that all the professionals recommended it. But now I wonder if she would have been better off there earlier, even though she had full time care at home. I should say that my sister is still fighting the decision for Mum to be in a care home and is making herself so unpleasant that she seems to be hoping Mum will be thrown out!! So in these situations the care home decision is very very difficult to implement.

 

[KAnne]

However painful it is, these repeated phone calls demonstrate the anxiety experienced by people with dementia who live alone .

I know no one wants to make decisions too soon but those who live alone and experience this night time anxiety really do need residential care for their own safety , comfort and well being.

Please do not wait for a crisis.

Repeated phone calls are intolerable but alone, they're a long way away from criteria for residential care, imo - other things are surely worth a try first, like disabling the phone at night and for parts of the day and using another mobile number for your own life.
I would remind people to get all the help they can with a dementia sufferer still living alone, lots of small call ins from whatever agency or charity provide them...and make sure that all available family members are involved and ring regularly to try to assuage the anxiety of the sufferer but just to choose residential on this basis isn't right, imo

 

[putsch]

Repeated phone calls are intolerable but alone, they're a long way away from criteria for residential care, imo - other things are surely worth a try first, like disabling the phone at night and for parts of the day and using another mobile number for your own life.
I would remind people to get all the help they can with a dementia sufferer still living alone, lots of small call ins from whatever agency or charity provide them...and make sure that all available family members are involved and ring regularly to try to assuage the anxiety of the sufferer but just to choose residential on this basis isn't right, imo

I agree that calls alone are not a reason for a care home on their own - But I think you'll find if you read other threads by this poster that the calls are only one small issue in a litany of problems and that the "available family members" are not helping but are indeed hindering the care at home both by agencies or by family.

 

[Witzend]

Repeated phone calls are intolerable but alone, they're a long way away from criteria for residential care, imo - other things are surely worth a try first, like disabling the phone at night and for parts of the day and using another mobile number for your own life.
I would remind people to get all the help they can with a dementia sufferer still living alone, lots of small call ins from whatever agency or charity provide them...and make sure that all available family members are involved and ring regularly to try to assuage the anxiety of the sufferer but just to choose residential on this basis isn't right, imo

I doubt that anyone would opt for a CH purely because of phone calls. There will almost always be other factors and often the person would be living in some degree of squalor and chaos if family etc. weren't stepping in.

As for carers popping in, all very well, except that it's not everybody that will have them. My mother was of a suspicious nature and wouldn't let in anyone in except family and her long-time cleaning lady. Even the carer sent to make sure she took her Aricept was usually given short shrift. Not really surprising when she couldn't remember that she was on any meds. or that anyone was being sent to make sure she took them.
Though given the number of con-artists around I was often glad that she wasn't the type to invite random strangers in for cups of tea. Just before we activated the P of A a cheque for £4K went missing. To this day I can't imagine how, but some wretched thieving b*astard managed to nick and cash it.

 

[ellejay]

It's not the phone calls alone, it's the reason behind them . When my mum still lived alone the practically non stop phone calls were just one more symptom of the illness.

In an ideal world, yes, the extended family +carers would arrange a rota so the sufferer would always have someone there.

Unfortunately, in the real world, there may only be one or two people available, no money to pay for extensive outside help.

We do the best with what we've got.

Lin x

 

[KAnne]

I doubt that anyone would opt for a CH purely because of phone calls. There will almost always be other factors and often the person would be living in some degree of squalor and chaos if family etc. weren't stepping in.

As for carers popping in, all very well, except that it's not everybody that will have them. My mother was of a suspicious nature and wouldn't let in anyone in except family and her long-time cleaning lady. Even the carer sent to make sure she took her Aricept was usually given short shrift. Not really surprising when she couldn't remember that she was on any meds. or that anyone was being sent to make sure she took them.
Though given the number of con-artists around I was often glad that she wasn't the type to invite random strangers in for cups of tea. Just before we activated the P of A a cheque for £4K went missing. To this day I can't imagine how, but some wretched thieving b*astard managed to nick and cash it.

My mum has a key box at the back door, all concerned parties have the code..keys are removed from the other door, so for us, the matter of my mum not 'letting' people in, doesn't arise

 

[KAnne]

It's not the phone calls alone, it's the reason behind them . When my mum still lived alone the practically non stop phone calls were just one more symptom of the illness.

In an ideal world, yes, the extended family +carers would arrange a rota so the sufferer would always have someone there.

Unfortunately, in the real world, there may only be one or two people available, no money to pay for extensive outside help.

We do the best with what we've got.

Lin x

I know what you're saying but living with a certain amount of anxiety and even risk, for quite a long time, is probably still preferable to the suffer than premature admittance into residential, this is my take on it

 

[Witzend]

My mum has a key box at the back door, all concerned parties have the code..keys are removed from the other door, so for us, the matter of my mum not 'letting' people in, doesn't arise

I didn't just mean physically allowing them through the door. I mean wanting, or being happy with people coming in. It would have been a case of, 'Who are you? No, I don't want you here!' She'd have thrown a strop or even called the police. And we wouldn't have felt at all happy inflicting people on her when she would certainly not have felt happy with (to her) interfering strangers invading her private space. And I must say that although it made things harder for us, I did have a good deal of sympathy for her attitude.

 

[KAnne]

I didn't just mean physically allowing them through the door. I mean wanting, or being happy with people coming in. It would have been a case of, 'Who are you? No, I don't want you here!' She'd have thrown a strop or even called the police. And we wouldn't have felt at all happy inflicting people on her when she would certainly not have felt happy with (to her) interfering strangers invading her private space. And I must say that although it made things harder for us, I did have a good deal of sympathy for her attitude.

Did you try having people coming in frequently Witzend? I find that the dementia patient gets used to the unfamiliar and it becomes familiar

 

[Witzend]

Did you try having people coming in frequently Witzend? I find that the dementia patient gets used to the unfamiliar and it becomes familiar

We gave up after a few tries, it made her too angry and upset. Just wasn't worth the aggro. Easier to do a lot of 'sleepovers' myself and brother living rather closer calling in a lot.