Repeat buying

[Angel 4]

Hi, I’m wondering if anyone has any advice or suggestion's… my husband is buying things he doesn’t need, trainers seem to be the favourite! He has bought 7 pairs. He has never been a one for shopping and he would have the same pair of shoes for years. He has the Vinted app on his phone and this is where he is buying them. He seems to find one brand he likes and then just keeps buying. T-shirt’s also I think he has bought over 20. He isn’t working now hasn’t for the past year, we have 3 kids at home so we need to be sensible with spending. I think some of this is due to boredom, it seems to happen when I’m out or at work. He spends all day in front of the TV and looking at his phone. I have said to him that he doesn’t need the trainers but he just laughs at me..
Thanks for reading 😊

 

[jennifer1967]

Hi, I’m wondering if anyone has any advice or suggestion's… my husband is buying things he doesn’t need, trainers seem to be the favourite! He has bought 7 pairs. He has never been a one for shopping and he would have the same pair of shoes for years. He has the Vinted app on his phone and this is where he is buying them. He seems to find one brand he likes and then just keeps buying. T-shirt’s also I think he has bought over 20. He isn’t working now hasn’t for the past year, we have 3 kids at home so we need to be sensible with spending. I think some of this is due to boredom, it seems to happen when I’m out or at work. He spends all day in front of the TV and looking at his phone. I have said to him that he doesn’t need the trainers but he just laughs at me..
Thanks for reading 😊

maybe delete the app or just have it on your phone. also scratch the security number off the back of the card then he cant buy things online.

 

[Angel 4]

maybe delete the app or just have it on your phone. also scratch the security number off the back of the card then he cant buy things online.

I did think of deleting the app but he would probably just download it again & he has Apple Pay set up in his phone so it’s so easy to buy online 🙄

 

[Violet Jane]

This is a common problem.

I don’t know how Apple Pay works but if you deleted it from his phone would he be able to set it up again? If he’s using a credit card then cancel that or at least take it off the Apple account and replace it with a debit card linked to a current account in his name with a limited amount of money in it.
Do you have a financial POA? If you do then perhaps you should action it now to protect the family finances.

I wouldn’t have any joint account with your husband any more apart from one to pay the mortgage and household bills which he can’t access. You don’t want his debts to become yours. You may need to set up a new account in your name only and take your name off any joint accounts.

I assume that you can return the items he buys but I appreciate that this is yet more work for you on top of everything else. I wouldn’t discuss this with your husband but just return them behind his back. Keep a couple of items and just say that you don’t know where the others are. This may seem deceitful but your husband can’t be reasoned with and you have to protect your family’s income.

There may be medication which could help with this type of obsessive behaviour.

 

[jac69]

Do you have a POA set up if so change his account to £10.0 spend limit no overdraft Every time an order arrives send it straight back and inform the sender that husband has denentia and ordered by accident

 

[T1000]

Thank you @Angel 4 for raising this, my mum has been doing this and I thought it was just her loving clothes, but now I realise it's Alzheimers related, she buys lots of things she doesn't really need, thankfully then takes them back (usually loses receipts...). Can you access your husbands Apple Pay acc online to disable it at al, must be so hard for you. I have control of myy mums bank app, she would not know how to order online anymore thankfully, and I have set a limit for ATM and also for shop purchases

 

[JaxG]

This is a common problem, my husband was 'running' a business, ran up debts everywhere, including on our joint accounts which I was also liable for. @Violet Jane gives great advice. Do take out Lasting Power of Attorney as soon as possible, your husband will get more confused and this will only get worse. I have opened my own account, my salary and pension goes into this, my OH pension and AA goes into a joint account. I hid my husband's debit card and gave him cash, it's a hard thing to do because it feels demeaning but sometimes you have to take a firm stance. Remember this is your life too, your finances, and one day you will be coping alone financially. If you can cancel any cards this will automatically make Apple pay invalid. It is so hard to come to terms with all the changes but with dementia sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind, lie if you have to to protect your husband's feelings. I have just spent the last 5 years paying off my OH debts, you don't want to find yourself in this situation.

 

[Angel 4]

Hi, I’m wondering if anyone has any advice or suggestion's… my husband is buying things he doesn’t need, trainers seem to be the favourite! He has bought 7 pairs. He has never been a one for shopping and he would have the same pair of shoes for years. He has the Vinted app on his phone and this is where he is buying them. He seems to find one brand he likes and then just keeps buying. T-shirt’s also I think he has bought over 20. He isn’t working now hasn’t for the past year, we have 3 kids at home so we need to be sensible with spending. I think some of this is due to boredom, it seems to happen when I’m out or at work. He spends all day in front of the TV and looking at his phone. I have said to him that he doesn’t need the trainers but he just laughs at me..
Thanks for reading 😊

Thank you everyone that has taken the time to reply to my post.
It’s so hard as my husband still has good understanding generally, I don’t know if I could make changes to his access to money without causing a lot of upset, his moods are very up and down. He is very sensitive and blames me for most things. I’m just worried that going forward his spending will get worse maybe??
Feels like it’s battle after battle and it’s early stages (I think.. how do you know?) 😞

 

[Fugs]

Hi @Angel 4 , my only conciliation for the future is that he may loose the capacity to buy things, dependant on how simple the App is. My wife rapidly lost the ability to use her debit card, and most of the apps on her phone.
And I agree it is difficult to know where my wife is with this disease. I find the contrast between what she can and cannot do bewildering.
Try to take care of yourself as well.

 

[Angel 4]

Hi @Angel 4 , my only conciliation for the future is that he may loose the capacity to buy things, dependant on how simple the App is. My wife rapidly lost the ability to use her debit card, and most of the apps on her phone.
And I agree it is difficult to know where my wife is with this disease. I find the contrast between what she can and cannot do bewildering.
Try to take care of yourself as well.

Thank you @Fugs, It’s so very hard to know where you are on this journey.. I’m so lost.
I’m also thinking that he will loose the capacity to use apps.. I have POA but don’t feel it’s the right time to step in.
Best wishes to you 🙂

 

[Melles Belles]

@Angel 4
i think it is the right time to step in a POA before he builds up any debt And to protect family finances especially if you still have children at home.
I would remove his access from main joint accounts and set up an account of his own with limited funds in it which you can top up. Scratch the 3 security numbers off the back of any card. If he gets annoyed just blame the bank.

 

[JaxG]

The problem is the PWD can have capacity in some areas but not others. He can appear to understand what he is doing, but the behaviours suggest otherwise. It sounds like he wouldn't be buying these trainers if he didn't have dementia - so maybe that's your answer? @Melles Belles has a good idea - to set up a separate account for your OH with limited funds. It is a perplexing disease which is why it is so hard to diagnose, but it does sound like you need to take steps to protect yourself and your family from debts.

 

[jennifer1967]

that would be my priority to save you debt.

 

[Angel 4]

The problem is the PWD can have capacity in some areas but not others. He can appear to understand what he is doing, but the behaviours suggest otherwise. It sounds like he wouldn't be buying these trainers if he didn't have dementia - so maybe that's your answer? @Melles Belles has a good idea - to set up a separate account for your OH with limited funds. It is a perplexing disease which is why it is so hard to diagnose, but it does sound like you need to take steps to protect yourself and your family from debts.

Thanks @JaxG, you summed it up so well.. he does appear to know what he is doing but he would never have been buying all the trainers a few years ago. I will keep a close eye on things and do what I need to with the bank accounts. I’m just worried that it’s going to cause a lot of stress and upset 😢

 

[JaxG]

Thanks @JaxG, you summed it up so well.. he does appear to know what he is doing but he would never have been buying all the trainers a few years ago. I will keep a close eye on things and do what I need to with the bank accounts. I’m just worried that it’s going to cause a lot of stress and upset 😢

The hardest thing is to separate the person your husband is now from the person he was. He looks the same, sounds the same, but his behaviours and actions are different. It's really hard, you want to treat him with respect, but his understanding of the world has changed forever and therefore you will have to make decisions in all your best interests. It's OK to not be completely truthful to protect him and yourself from unnecessary pain (it's called love lies). It's taken me a long time to begin to deal with everything that dementia has thrown at me, at us both, and this changes constantly as my husband deteriorates.

 

[Fishermanswife]

Hi, I’m wondering if anyone has any advice or suggestion's… my husband is buying things he doesn’t need, trainers seem to be the favourite! He has bought 7 pairs. He has never been a one for shopping and he would have the same pair of shoes for years. He has the Vinted app on his phone and this is where he is buying them. He seems to find one brand he likes and then just keeps buying. T-shirt’s also I think he has bought over 20. He isn’t working now hasn’t for the past year, we have 3 kids at home so we need to be sensible with spending. I think some of this is due to boredom, it seems to happen when I’m out or at work. He spends all day in front of the TV and looking at his phone. I have said to him that he doesn’t need the trainers but he just laughs at me..
Thanks for reading 😊

My 76 year old husband is doing something similar with Amazon, but it’s watches.
They’re cheap rubbish, less than £10 usually, and watches and cars were always his ‘thing’ but he’s bought about 8 watches this year alone…thankfully Amazon don’t sell cars and there’s not enough credit on the CC to buy any either…and bulbs for the garden OMG they arrived but he’s not been well enough with his many other health issues to be out planting them.
I’m aware it’s obsessive behaviour as he does get stuck in a ‘loop’ of some things, constantly reading the same story from the news for example and asking me if I’d read it. It’s a wee bit frustrating but pretty mild and quite harmless at the same time, I just answer in as kind a tone as I can, it would break my heart if I thought I was short tempered with him, or he was frightened to say something to me.

 

[BunnyB22!]

The problem is the PWD can have capacity in some areas but not others. He can appear to understand what he is doing, but the behaviours suggest otherwise. It sounds like he wouldn't be buying these trainers if he didn't have dementia - so maybe that's your answer? @Melles Belles has a good idea - to set up a separate account for your OH with limited funds. It is a perplexing disease which is why it is so hard to diagnose, but it does sound like you need to take steps to protect yourself and your family from debts.

Rather than set up a separate bank account for your husband, why not set up a new one to replace the existing one with spending money being transferred weekly into the original account for him to spend as he currently does?

 

[Donna Kebab]

I'm afraid I was rather dishonest when my husband started doing this... (he was buying Kindles, MP3 players, mobile phones etc. - when the Kindle/phone/MP3 didn't change the channel on the TV or the screen on his laptop he claimed it was faulty and bought a new one! [That didn't change the channel either....]), so, having his login, I went into Amazon and changed one digit on the debit card he used for his purchases, and then claimed I had no idea why it wouldn't work!

 

[Violet Jane]

It's absolutely fair enough to do whatever needs to be done to preserve family assets. Care is expensive and dementia is financially ruinous.

 

[Chizz]

Thank you @Fugs, It’s so very hard to know where you are on this journey.. I’m so lost.
I’m also thinking that he will loose the capacity to use apps.. I have POA but don’t feel it’s the right time to step in.
Best wishes to you 🙂

Hi @Angel 4
If your PWD is spending spending spending NOW is the ideal time to step in. If not now? When? When the money's gone?