Remembering The Week 6th June 2019 - 12th June 2019

[MaNaAk]

Friday 14th June 2019

I start shopping for the funeral and in the afternoon I decide to go and see my youngest brother and his partner in the studio so that I can spend time with them. Before going I receive a text from my eldest brother apologising for leaving but then saying that will be coming back on Sunday (Father's Day) and spending the night at the local Premier Travel Inn because they didn't feel welcome staying with me. I can't remember how I replied but I do remember telling him at one point that I didn't like being told 'Got to think about other people ' in front of the children over and over again.

I went to my youngest brother's studio and we then went to have a lovely dinner at the very same Premier Travel Inn 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣. Dinner was lovely and we had a good time. I went home and my friend from Edinburgh who had been texting on the day that dad had been admitted hospital phoned to see how he was. She sent a Sympathy card and admitted that she had shed a few tears.

MaNaAk

PS: I should have that when dad passed away I didn't just grieve for him and my time as a carer but I grieved for mum as well and mum and dad as a carer. When mum was very ill it was very stressful and we had put with difficult behaviour from my eldest brother when he stayed with us again but dad and I had each other but this week I was on my own as my brothers had fallen out.

 

[jennifer1967]

You did so well. Dealing with it all on your owned
Should bel proud of yourself. Hopefully one day, I hope you find peace and knerow you did your best

 

[MaNaAk]

You did so well. Dealing with it all on your owned
Should bel proud of yourself. Hopefully one day, I hope you find peace and knerow you did your best

Thankyou @jennifer1967 I find typing this thread very therapeutic and talking to my lovely friends here.

MaNaAk

 

[MaNaAk]

Saturday 15th June

One of my very best friends comes to visit with a Sympathy card and it is so lovely to see her. I then visit a couple of neighbours who are good friends and they are invited to the funeral. They do ask about the house and we talk about renting it out rooms or houseshare like I had been planning. The neighbours wanted me to stay and were upset when eventually I had to leave. Later my youngest brother and his partner come round and when my brother is out of the room his partner says:

"MaNaAk you're going to have to think about the house"

This is the first time this is mentioned in a different light to funding dad's care (I didn't bring it up with the neighbours either but I felt more comfortable talking to them). I realise that I would have to deal with the house but I was too busy dealing with everything else and grieving.

MaNaAk

PS: I know that not everyone is a huggy person but I certainly didn't get a hug from them when dad passed away.

 

[jennifer1967]

Saturday 15th June

One of my very best friends comes to visit with a Sympathy card and it is so lovely to see her. I then visit a couple of neighbours who are good friends and they are invited to the funeral. They do ask about the house and we talk about renting it out rooms or houseshare like I had been planning. The neighbours wanted me to stay and were upset when eventually I had to leave. Later my youngest brother and his partner come round and when my brother is out of the room his partner says:

"MaNaAk you're going to have to think about the house"

This is the first time this is mentioned in a different light to funding dad's care (I didn't bring it up with the neighbours either but I felt more comfortable talking to them). I realise that I would have to deal with the house but I was too busy dealing with everything else and grieving.

MaNaAk

PS: I know that not everyone is a huggy person but I certainly didn't get a hug from them when dad passed away.

it took them that long? i think the males are wired differently but no excuse. reading through your thread, i think you did very well to get through it and come out the other side. you can choose your friends but not your family. look at you today!

 

[MaNaAk]

it took them that long? i think the males are wired differently but no excuse. reading through your thread, i think you did very well to get through it and come out the other side. you can choose your friends but not your family. look at you today!

Yes it was obvious that the two of them had been talking about it and also the neighbours said that your brothers wives will be the ones pushing them. I didn't know much about what they were talking about that but now I certainly do! Also two sets of neighbours said that they had experienced no interest in but a lot of interest in inheritance! One of them of them also that you won't get praise only criticism so when I got my first flat it felt like a massive holiday!

MaNaAk

 

[jennifer1967]

Yes it was obvious that the two of them had been talking about it and also the neighbours said that your brothers wives will be the ones pushing them. I didn't know much about what they were talking about that but now I certainly do! Also two sets of neighbours said that they had experienced no interest in but a lot of interest in inheritance! One of them of them also that you won't get praise only criticism so when I got my first flat it felt like a massive holiday!

MaNaAk

your neighbour is right, criticism does seem to come quicker than praise. people seem to find it easier some how. money is the root of all evil and tends to bring out the worst in people. i rather not have money, it muddies the water.

 

[MaNaAk]

Sunday 16th June 2019 Father's Day

This is a very strange day because I had these plans to take dad out and give him his card and present and instead I putting the final touches for his funeral the following day! I am all over the place sometimes I remember Father's Day and other times I forget it💔. I wake up and go and check my messages to find a message from dad's half-brother who asks how dad is after fasting during Ramadan (you are not supposed to fast if you ill). Uncle is aware of dad's health though but has obviously not been told of dad's death. I apologise for this and I tell him the sad news💔💔💔💔. Again my heart breaks but at that point I am unaware of the issues over the land between dad, his brother and possibly his half siblings. My half-uncle sends a lovely message of sympathy and a beautiful attachment entitled Father's Day about a man caring for his wife before needing care himself.

Later I get dad's Father's Day card and I add a message saying 'Dad I will never forget you'💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔. I add this message because whilst we were awaiting dad's appointment with the GP, before his final diagnosis of Alzheimer's, I breakdown under the stress and I go into the kitchen and cry to dad "Dad please don't forget me". Dad cuddles me and says "MaNaAk I will never forget you" 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔 and he never did (the tears are flowing as I remember this but it is good to write this down 💔💔💔💔❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹). The present was a series of reprinted photos which we were going to put in an album together.

Anyway I then go to Waitrose to buy flowers for the funeral the following day and I meet dad's former diabetic nurse where the emotions get the better of me again. I managed to pull myself together and continue with the shopping but at the checkout I completely forget Father's Day and I chat with sales assistant saying that these are for dad's funeral the following day! Waitrose do not want to take payment from me for the flowers❤️❤️❤️❤️.

Back at home I had already received a text from my eldest brother saying "we worry about you". I don't hear from youngest brother at all and I didn't ask him to come round on Father's Day before or after dad's death because on the second Mother's Day after mum's death I was given a lecture resulting in dad and I feeling so stressed that we never invited him or his partner on these days ever again. I carry on with sorting out dad's affairs and I have to phone the care home at one point and the manageress asks "Are you on your own?" She is stunned as was my friend who was celebrating Father's Day with her dad when I inform her about my dad. She asks the same question but I reply that I am okay and I was okay without the stress of being told "got to think of other people" but I could have at least had a phone call from my siblings.


MaNaAk

 

[Chizz]

Remembering all this upset must be hard for you @MaNaAk.
But, hey, look at you now!
Who needs unfeeling. uncaring siblings?
Best wishes

 

[jennifer1967]

Sunday 16th June 2019 Father's Day

This is a very strange day because I had these plans to take dad out and give him his card and present and instead I putting the final touches for his funeral the following day! I am all over the place sometimes I remember Father's Day and other times I forget it💔. I wake up and go and check my messages to find a message from dad's half-brother who asks how dad is after fasting during Ramadan (you are not supposed to fast if you ill). Uncle is aware of dad's health though but has obviously not been told of dad's death. I apologise for this and I tell him the sad news💔💔💔💔. Again my heart breaks but at that point I am unaware of the issues over the land between dad, his brother and possibly his half siblings. My half-uncle sends a lovely message of sympathy and a beautiful attachment entitled Father's Day about a man caring for his wife before needing care himself.

Later I get dad's Father's Day card and I add a message saying 'Dad I will never forget you'💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔. I add this message because whilst we were awaiting dad's appointment with the GP, before his final diagnosis of Alzheimer's, I breakdown under the stress and I go into the kitchen and cry to dad "Dad please don't forget me". Dad cuddles me and says "MaNaAk I will never forget you" 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔 and he never did (the tears are flowing as I remember this but it is good to write this down 💔💔💔💔❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹). The present was a series of reprinted photos which we were going to put in an album together.

Anyway I then go to Waitrose to buy flowers for the funeral the following day and I meet dad's former diabetic nurse where the emotions get the better of me again. I managed to pull myself together and continue with the shopping but at the checkout I completely forget Father's Day and I chat with sales assistant saying that these are for dad's funeral the following day! Waitrose do not want to take payment from me for the flowers❤️❤️❤️❤️.

Back at home I had already received a text from my eldest brother saying "we worry about you". I don't hear from youngest brother at all and I didn't ask him to come round on Father's Day before or after dad's death because on the second Mother's Day after mum's death I was given a lecture resulting in dad and I feeling so stressed that we never invited him or his partner on these days ever again. I carry on with sorting out dad's affairs and I have to phone the care home at one point and the manageress asks "Are you on your own?" She is stunned as was my friend who was celebrating Father's Day with her dad when I inform her about my dad. She asks the same question but I reply that I am okay and I was okay without the stress of being told "got to think of other people" but I could have at least had a phone call from my siblings.


MaNaAk

do you see things clearer and for what they are now, looking back. sometimes its easier to look back rather trying to remember when you are right in the middle of it. i think i came to the conclusion looking back that really it wasnt worth the time or thought. that set me free.

 

[MaNaAk]

Thankyou you two. Yes freedom is priceless that's why contact is minimum apart from nephews who were isolated from relatives on all sides because of their parents. Being in my own flat has set me free and whilst my eldest brother wants to visit he can't say much now.

MaNaAk

 

[MaNaAk]

Friday 16th June 2019

Dad's Funeral

The congregation was very small with myself, my eldest brother and his family and my youngest brother and his partner. He is to have a service at a mosque followed by committal at the local cemetery near mum. We wanted to bury dad within twenty-four hours of his death according to Islamic law but this was not possible. We all met at the cemetery but my youngest brother and his partner arrive at the house to give me a lift. His partner arrives wearing a faded denim jacket and I decide that it's best not to say anything but she does leave it in the car at the funeral!

The actual funeral went well but at the end the neighbours who are the same age as mum and dad are unable to come back to the house because mum's friend isn't feeling well. These neighbours have been a wonderful support and I am still in touch with them. My brothers who have been keeping their distance from each other don't come back either with the eldest one going back home and the youngest one giving me a lift back to the house but not coming in because he doesn't want to talk about good memories of dad. Dad was not the most organised person but he loved us all so I am left to enjoy all the food I had bought on my own! Looking back I should have invited other neighbours over but anyway I am pleased the funeral went well.

Later on my youngest brother comes back just as I had supper on the table. He sees the food and says "we'll come back tomorrow because we've already eaten"! I phone my eldest brother to make sure he got back alright but it becomes a stressful conversation when he realises I was on my own after the funeral. Two friends phone up to see how the funeral went and how I am.

Epilogue:

On dad's first anniversary a sea of Forget-me-nots sprouts up all over the garden💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

 

[Chizz]

Well @MaNaAk you did remarkably well in the trying circumstances. Well done. It is good that you are able to calmly (seemingly at least) recount this. The rest of your life, as you want it, beckons.

 

[MaNaAk]

Well @MaNaAk you did remarkably well in the trying circumstances. Well done. It is good that you are able to calmly (seemingly at least) recount this. The rest of your life, as you want it, beckons.

Thankyou @Chizz it was a week after the funeral that the issues with the house (my home) really started when my youngest brother and his partner turned up asking about the house and then agreeing with themselves (although they liked to think that I agreed with them) that I should make a decision by then. However as my relationship with my siblings deteriorated I did bring up their behaviour during this week, dad's illness and in the past because they seemed to think they were perfect but now life is much calmer and as one of my friends said this is the toughest time you'll ever face and as my friends on here said you will come out it. I remember how elated everyone was when I got my first flat. Yes I have some bad memories but these are surpassed by the golden memories.

MaNaAk

 

[SkyeD]

I've enjoyed reading your therapeutic posts @MaNaAk and I'm so glad that the bad memories are surpassed by the better ones.

This is always going to be a hard week for me too, but I'm sure that they'll get better as the years go on.
Take care
S x

 

[jennifer1967]

ive found them interesting as well @MaNaAk i must admit, it didnt take them long. maybe it was for the best that you moved to your flat and your own bit of privacy. there are a lot of ifs and buts with hindsight it worked out better doing the house quicker. life is your oyster now. enjoy every moment.

 

[Chizz]

Hi @MaNaAk - I'm glad the golden memories prevail.

Now you can concentrate on your role as carer for Jacky!

 

[MaNaAk]

I've enjoyed reading your therapeutic posts @MaNaAk and I'm so glad that the bad memories are surpassed by the better ones.

This is always going to be a hard week for me too, but I'm sure that they'll get better as the years go on.
Take care
S x

Dear @SkyeD,

I'm thinking of you as well. I hope you're okay.

MaNaAk

 

[MaNaAk]

Hi @MaNaAk - I'm glad the golden memories prevail.

Now you can concentrate on your role as carer for Jacky!

Thankyou @Chizz. Jacky was much calmer today after yesterday's antics!

MaNaAk

 

[MaNaAk]

Wednesday 12th June 2024

Dad I will never forget you:

PS: Mum I know your spirit was with dad through that night until we all got to the hospital the next day ❤️❤️