1. christiangirl

    christiangirl New member

    Oct 16, 2019
    I am new to this site so I'm sure you've had this question before.
    My father obviously has some sort of dementia as he can now no longer care for himself (he lives alone).
    He is unable to cook or clean has difficulty unlocking doors so usually leaves them open as he is scared of getting locked out , which he has done although he had the key around his neck.
    Unable to use the TV unaided which is his lifeline although he has got remotes suitable for dementia he is unable to switch it on.
    Constantly obsessing over his money and bus pass although he rarely goes on the bus anymore since he missed his stop. So is now anxious and upset.
    He flatly refuses help apart from myself and sister , I go round every day to feed him he is now so thin as he no longer wants to eat all the stuff he has in the past so his diet is limited to a few things.
    He won't even go to the GP for a flu jab or general health check as he is worried about his memory but says nothing is wrong with him (his family have a history of dementia)
    I have a lot of health problems so am finding it very difficult to spend the amount of time with him each day that he needs.
    Any ideas ? sorry to go on but the list is endless and I am looking for new ways to keep him safe.
    Thank you in advance
  2. Champers

    Champers Registered User

    Jan 3, 2019
    Is it possible his surgery do home visits? There’s always the risk that he might not let the doctor in, but if they are forewarned about your concerns, they can handle his resistance appropriately.
  3. Bod

    Bod Registered User

    Aug 30, 2013
    Would he go to the Dr's to show, once and for all, that your concerns are unfounded?
    You will have written the Dr a letter, with your concerns and the true state of things, regarding his living conditions, and why your own health cannot stand much more.
    The Dr will not be able to wave a magic wand, but can open doors to other services, which may be able to help.
    Your father will not accept this help, it will be a battle fought, over what he Needs, against what he wants. He will always be able to "manage", but will never acknowledge what you and other do for him.
    This is all part of the illness, and is unfortunately normal.
    You would be well advised to start looking at Care Homes, for him, as there will come a time, possibly not far off, when he will need one.
    Look at the Fact Sheets done by the Alzheimer's Society, these will give the full information needed.
    But do come back with any questions, any time. You are not the first on this road, nor the last.

  4. nae sporran

    nae sporran Volunteer Host

    Oct 29, 2014
    Welcome to the forums @christiangirl. Sorry there's not much I can offer or advise when someone has capacity but refuses the doctors. The worry and helplessness is hard to take.
    The National Dementia Helpline will be able to point you to some help though, and it is always worth speaking to adult social services to let them know what is happening.
    National Dementia Helpline
    0300 222 11 22
    Our helpline advisers are here for you.
    Helpline opening hours:
    Monday to Wednesday 9am – 8pm
    Thursday and Friday 9am – 5pm
    Saturday and Sunday 10am – 4pm
  5. Shedrech

    Shedrech Volunteer Moderator

    Dec 15, 2012
    hello @christiangirl
    a warm welcome from me too
    what a worry for you

    I agree about writing to your father's GP with details about his situation ie bullet points about what he is unable to do for himself and your concerns and ask the GP to check on this when they see your dad
    if you are lucky, the GP will be proactive
    otherwise you need a rouse to get your dad to the GP ... will he go for a flu jab, tell him this year's version is virulent and it would set your mind at rest ... would he go to accompany you so he can hold your hand, don't tell him the appointment is for him ... make an appointment and just pop in on the way to a treat, say you need to pick up a prescription ... any excuse

    have you LPAs in place as these will help you in starting to manage your father's affairs ... if not, arrange these asap

    you can also contact your Local Authority Adult Services for an assessment of his care needs ... he is not looking after himself so tell them he is a 'vulnerable adult' putting himself 'at risk of harm' due to 'self neglect' and mention especially that he leaves his door open as this is dangerous .... if the LA are unable to put support in place because he refuses, at least you will have flagged him up on their system ... and you can go back to them if things change

    for his meals, can you use ready meals to heat up, to save you cooking ... even have them delivered?

    your dad will keep refusing other help, probably, so you may need to get tough and back off ... what would happen if you were ill and unable to visit for weeks? ... might he give way to a bit of emotional blackmail ie have some help, dad, as I worry and am not well so feel bad I can't do as much as I'd like ... would hae accept a 'cleaner' who is a friend needing a bit of help building up a business, or again any excuse
  6. Rosserk

    Rosserk Registered User

    Jul 9, 2019

    I had the identical problem. I called Alzheimer’s U.K. who told me to ring mums GP and say I am reporting a vulnerable adult who is your patient who I believe has dementia. You need to take steps to visit and check on their health and well-being.

    I’d spent months trying to get doctors to visit my mum but couldn’t get past the receptionist. As soon as I did the above the doctor phoned me immediately and was on my doorstep the following morning.
    Apparently legislation brought out in 2017 states the doctor has to do everything in their power to assess a vulnerable adult once reported. Remind his surgery of current mental health legislation. When you speak with the doctor arrange to be at your fathers when the doctor calls. My mother just thought he was a visitor come for a chat.

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