1. Dorasmum

    Dorasmum New member

    Oct 15, 2017
    Hi. I care for my dad who is almost ninety and has Alzheimer’s but not aggressive, difficult etc. He lives with my mom who cannot walk very well and is deaf (will not wear a hearing aid). She is eighty five. They manage with a lot of help just from my brother and myself as mom “doesn’t want strangers in the house” . She doesn’t appear to understand about dad’s dementia as she constantly complains about dad’s lack of conversation, inability to remember things.I honestly think she would be better if she saw more people but refuses visits from friends and won’t have carers in to assist with meals etc. It’s getting to the point where I dread phoning or going there because of the complaints about how awful everything is. Dad goes to a day centre two days a week so she does have respite from him. She cannot go out unassisted herself due to her mobility issues. How do I get her to accept help from outside? She would like my brother or I to be there constantly but we have jobs, families etc. I spend almost every free moment with them.
  2. marionq

    marionq Registered User

    Apr 24, 2013
    I have at least one elderly friend like your Mum. To be blunt when people try to bully you into being at their beck and call you have to dig your heels in.

    My friend will not listen when I remind her that her daughter has a demanding job and family. She will not go to any clubs, learn how to be independent by using a smart phone to do her shopping, take up any hobbies or allow any help
    In her house.

    This is unreasonable and I think you have to tell your mother how this is affecting you. You have the right to a life too.
  3. Lancashirelady

    Lancashirelady Registered User

    Oct 7, 2014
    I'm afraid you have to turn into a bit of a bully to get anywhere in this situation. My parents totally refused care despite their evident needs and I had to be quite forceful with them to agree to carers visiting. SS tend to be no help - they are trained that the client has choice and this seems to take priority over the obvious need for support. Would your parents have to pay for care themselves? in a way that is easier as you can just arrange it and present them with a fiat accompli. It worked for me!
  4. Linbrusco

    Linbrusco Registered User

    Mar 4, 2013
    Auckland...... New Zealand
    Until my Mum ( with Alz) went into a Care Home 20 mnths ago, my Dad was much the same. Didnt understand or accept Mums Alz at all and complained about everything she did & said, would be on at me constantly to take her out, but he would not accept any outside help. Even when Mum was struggling with showering & dressing and I arranged a Carer to help in the mornings, on the days I was at work, he was either rude to her or would force Mum out of bed early to get dressed so he could send the carer away

    Dad does have cognitive impairment but we are now waiting on anothet reassesment as as we think it may have progressed to Frontal TemporalDementia.

    Dad lives next door to me but he keeps to himself. He only goes out once a week to his club and once a week to see Mum.
    He will not consider any other groups or even taking up indoor bowls which he likes but constantly says hes fed up.
    His house is a tip and will not consider a cleaner ( it would not cost) but would gladly have me do it on top of my job, kids. husband with health issues, and my own house to look after.

    Not much more I can do :confused:
    You have my sympathies.
  5. Rosettastone57

    Rosettastone57 Registered User

    Oct 27, 2016
    This refusal of help is such a common thread it must come up at least once a week on this forum. I empathize completely it's a very difficult situation. In my experience if you wait for somebody to agree to help in the home you will wait forever. I can only give you my experience of dealing with my mother-in-law who is on her own with mixed dementia. The theme that you describe of wanting sons and daughters to be with their parents constantly is a theme that my husband and I and his sister have dealt with for the last 30 years with my mother-in-law. My mother-in-law was widowed in her late 50s and since that time has expected her two children to give up their entire lives and spend every free moment with her and dealing with her needs. Her daughter eventually moved abroad so this whole problem landed fairly and squarely on the lap of both myself and my husband.

    Now with a dementia diagnosis this is neediness and demanding nature only exacerbated the situation. My mother-in-law is self funding and she had a number of personality and mental health issues way before the dementia diagnosis and because of her mobility issues we decided that we would just organise carers for her anyway. Of course she was rude angry and aggressive but as we have been used to this sort of behaviour anyway for the last 30 years we just ignored it and got on with it anyway. Now nearly 3 years on she accepts the carers as normal we have completely stood our ground and refused to back down. The idea of explaining to her that we have our own lives and our only interests is of no interest to her whatsoever. We have strict strategies how often we see her we keep our visits short and sweet and do only what we have to do. I have more of a caring role with my mother-in-law at weekends and evenings as my husband works full time and he does not want to spend his free time with her. It's not easy dealing with it and it's not easy dealing with the backlash from her but I'm glad that we went down this route otherwise we would never have had a life of our own. We just decided to take charge of the situation
  6. Dorasmum

    Dorasmum New member

    Oct 15, 2017
    Thanks for your replies. I am definitely going to have to force the issue, it would also give me more peace of mind to know they are being called on. It just seems at the moment that mom is creating more problems than dad with dementia.
  7. Delilah63

    Delilah63 New member

    Jan 4, 2018
  8. Delilah63

    Delilah63 New member

    Jan 4, 2018
    Hi, just read this and felt so relieved that this isn't just me (not that I would wish anyone else to be in this position) my dad has Alzheimer's and vascular dementia and I get him, I understand and can accept what is happening to him, but my mum is driving me up the wall. She has always relied on dad to do everything and make decisions, and has had long term chronic mental health issues and a capacity to make my brother and I feel guilty about everything. So now, we are bouncing around with them both panicking about what is happening, then denying it and when it gets too much for mum she will decide that she has bowel cancer or a brain tumour or something and everything is then focussed on her, but in a totally stupid way, and we still don't move forward with accepting and coping with what is REALLY happening, and putting plans in place to live with the dementia. Sorry to go on..but I just wanted to say this threadthre given me confidence to be more assertive , I don't think any of us can carry on much longer like this.
    Good luck with your situation
  9. Lilly_B

    Lilly_B New member

    Jan 25, 2018
    Hi......my mum has very recently been diagnosed with Dementia after a long 6 weeks in hospital. Between myself and my brother we have finally got carers going round to her 3 times a day as it got almost to breaking point where we couldn't cope on our own. She didnt like the thought of strangers coming in at first, but they are really lovely and now she looks forward to their visits! It is also peace of mind for us to know that she will have someone checking in on her 3 times a day......inbetween us visiting her. It takes alot of the stress away - although she does still phone me morning, noon and night for very trivial things! Quite often she forgets why she phones and we have had to get tough with her becuse she phones whilst I am at work. Luckily my boss is very understanding, but my brother is a teacher so it is not always easy for him to answer her calls.
    We had to sit down with her and tell her to only call us in an emergency during working hours and thankfully she has great neighbours who check in on her.
    I really hope you are able to get carers for your mum & dad.....it will be such a huge relief for both you and your brother. Good luck!

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