1. Gary_Son

    Gary_Son Registered User

    Oct 15, 2015
    My father has the mid stages of dementia in having very poor short term memory, forgetting he has eaten and very incontinent. He still has his long term memory and able to drive locally. My mother aged 84 looks after him as I live 150 miles away and he refuse to move from his house.

    I am concerned that my mother as his carer is getting very stressed. She has to wash his clothes everyday. She has a nerve issue herself so I am concerned she is not getting help and has to buy the incontinent pants out of her modest pension. I go there each weekend but I am concerned for her own health.

    The problem is my father is a proud man and puts up 'a front' of nothing wrong and they are coping infront of outsiders. He has failed 3 memory assessment but nothing is being done. Last visit to the doctor he again said everything is ok and surprisingly the doctor said until he asks for help with his incontinence she cannot refer him. Is that usual?

    Please I would like any response of families that have or had similar situations and how they got around them. Bringing in strangers or getting him to see the doctor makes him get angry with us. Up to now we have had to go to the doctor with him for other ailments to discuss these too.

    Many Thanks
  2. Cat27

    Cat27 Volunteer Moderator

    Feb 27, 2015
    Welcome to TP :)

    The denial, anger & refusal of help is unfortunately very common.

    Could you spend a few days with them to get a true picture of what's happening?
  3. mancmum

    mancmum Registered User

    Feb 6, 2012
    Please try and intervene

    This was my scenario (although not as bad physical needs) until 3 years ago. My mother died suddenly I knew she was worn out and I had tried to get her to accept help but she came from an era when she would not cross my father. I had tried to get her to move nearer to me but father would not 'favour' one daughter over the other and reckoned he was half way between both. He had not factored in that the train journey to my house was quicker for my sister than driving to the family home. When we finally got the message through he was fine. We had to write it down so he could see it day after day for a month. He volubly objected to moving ...and then the next day had completely forgotten.

    He has a life as enjoyable as it can be he walks, goes to clubs, gets out for lunch, trips and visits and is surrounded by grandchildren.

    Its only now that I realise how tough it was for my mum. If only he had moved sooner there is a good chance my mum would still be alive. She fell when she was rushing round trying to get him out of the house.

    Moving was an opportunity to break habits that had built up but its hard for older people to move ..even without AD as we know from my MIL.

    You either have to interfere or leave it as it is and not worry.
  4. fizzie

    fizzie Registered User

    Jul 20, 2011
    Several things really
    Have you seen the incontinence nurse? If you do you can get pads free from the nhs. That is the first step - it will make a huge difference financially or at least it did for us and it is really helpful No it isn't usual you and your mum should be able to ask (I asked for my Mum) so if he can't won't help make an appt with a different gp or google continence service and phone them direct, some surgeries have someone but we went to the Bowel and continence service and we had no problem getting pads for urinary incontinence. - a quick appt and keep a diary of fluids and output for a week (you could do that before you go to save time) just when he had a drink, roughly how much and then if/when he went to the loo.

    Your mum needs a carers break, can you phone social services and ask for a carers assessment?

    Would you Mum move closer to you? If so, just go for it....she sounds as though she really needs help

    take care, keep posting xx
  5. lin1

    lin1 Registered User

    Jan 14, 2010
    East Kent
    #5 lin1, Oct 15, 2015
    Last edited: Oct 15, 2015
    Hi. When my mum started to become incontinent, I did not go via the GP .
    I phoned the GP practice and asked the receptionist to refer me to the Continence nurse.
    This was a few yrs ago so it may be different now, but well worth trying.

    It might be a good idea to routinely see another GP at the practice who may be far more understanding. If not , I would change GP practices.
  6. Rebyette

    Rebyette Registered User

    Oct 10, 2015
    Hello Gary_Son

    I am new here myself. I wanted to mention the incontinence pads, like a previous poster has.

    I had a nurse out to take bloods from Mum and happened to mention, as she was leaving, that I was buying pads. She said that she could sort that all out for me on going back to the office.

    Anyway, that was not the case, BUT I got a call the next day to arrange a continence 'advisor' who came to Mum's house and we arranged what she needed. The package was delivered around 4 days later. They even leave it in a safe place if you express not to rap on the door.

    I had to tweak the the order after a few days due to night pads not being adequate but you truly have to call the district nurse department of your local health centre/doctor surgery.

    Hope this helps in some way.

  7. Gary_Son

    Gary_Son Registered User

    Oct 15, 2015

    Thank you for answering. Apart from each weekend I have spent one several occasions a week or so there. The problem is my father sees virtually a different doctor each time he visits the surgery. The one before last said he had dementia but then my father had a bout of anemia so the doctor focussed on that and seemed to forget the dementia. Now its virtually impossible to get an appointment with him, so they book my father to see another doctor who does not seems to read the notes of the first one. He passed the quiz test last visit after failing 3 previously, so she says he has to admit to being incontinent for her to help. He will never do that to people outside the family. I am wondering do we need to bring his soiled pads to the surgery for them to believe us?

    Some people said we could go to the contenence nurse, but do we need to be referred to her by the doctor?

  8. hvml

    hvml Registered User

    Oct 10, 2015
    North Cornwall
    Hi Gary. Re the incontinence pads, we were referred to the incontinence service through the Community Nurses. Prior to that we had been buying them for my Dad. This would be a way of not having to go via the doctor. As well as using pads, we encourage my dad to use the toilet every couple of hours, so that we don't have to keep changing them and he is more comfortable. This would also save your Mum from having to do the laundry every day. In the beginning Dad did object to being told to go, but he soon got used to it. If left to his own devices, he would wait till the last minute, then not make it in time, as his mobility is limited.

    Best wishes hvml
  9. fizzie

    fizzie Registered User

    Jul 20, 2011
    In some areas you can refer yourself to the continence service - just check your area by googling or phone your GPs surgery and they will be able to tell you or phone the district nurses

Share This Page

  1. This site uses cookies to help personalise content, tailor your experience and to keep you logged in if you register.
    By continuing to use this site, you are consenting to our use of cookies.
  1. This site uses cookies to help personalise content, tailor your experience and to keep you logged in if you register.
    By continuing to use this site, you are consenting to our use of cookies.