Reading tea leaves

[SorchaC]

This is my first posting.
I am from America. This is the only forum I have found that seems to be helpful.
My mother has dementia. May of last year she was fine. Living on her own. Then it went downhill.
I moved her into a memory care unit last December. During COVID restrictions, I did not see her for 3 months.
Thankfully, I can visit now. I have had my first jab. Next week my second so I can stop wearing the mask.

Every visit is with a different version of my mother. Some of her same delusions exist. They started in August.
I had my first visit 2 weeks ago where she did not know who I was.

The doctors and staff at her home say there is no way of knowing what is going to happen. But I keep looking for signs of how long this will last. But like attempting to read tea leaves, I do not know.

I just want to know how long. She should have had peace at the end. She had such a hard life. She is scared and I am scared.

 

[Sarasa]

Hi @SorchaC and welcome to Dementia Talking Point. We have members from all over, and though care facilities and how to access help vary from country to country us carers are all pretty much facing the same problem so you'll get lots of useful advice here even if the posters aren't in America.
I'm afraid there is no answer to your query, as every person with dementia is different. Both my mother and mother in law are in the later stages of the disease. I visited my mother last week and she couldn't understand I was her daughter, though at other times recently she's seem to have recognised me. Mum is pretty healthy apart from her dementia so I could well see her living for a few more years yet. My mother in law appears pretty frail and does seem to be fading away in so much as she is sleeping more and eating less, but there too I could imagine her living a few more years yet.
I'm sure others will be along soon with their experiences, but in the meantime have a look round. You might find using the search bar at the top is a good place to find other posts on this and similar topics.

 

[AwayWithTheFairies]

Hi SorchaC

Are you and she based in America? I am there now but have a transatlantic family, adding to our woes. However I do have some little insight to the US system. My mother is in early stages but can’t live alone, maybe doesn’t agree with me but if I don’t mention it, she soon forgets! Now I’m just doing what needs doing for her without consulting her, mainly, since there is no point riling her up for no benefit.

She is actually quite content right now, eating, getting in the way, fiddling with things, watching/dozing at tv and doing whatever she thinks of, then forgets what she was doing, and I tidy up!

Your mum might actually be fine, who knows what goes on inside her head? It’s the carers who suffer the worry and loss, and the uncertainty of not knowing what will happen and how long it will last.

 

[AwayWithTheFairies]

Hi SorchaC

 

[SorchaC]

Thank you all for your kind words. Both my mother and I are in America. I live in the same town as my mother.
My sister lives about 3 hours away (2 if she drives).

During our last visit, My mother told me she was not sure who she was and could not tell what was real.

I have found myself adapting to her reality. She thinks I have a son (I don't).

Most days now I feel numb.

 

[Duggies-girl]

That's the question that I wanted answered. I just wanted to know whether it would be 10 months or 10 years, just a vague idea but it's impossible to tell. Some sort of time frame so you can make plans, future plans, financial plans, all sorts of things but nobody knows.

How long is a piece of string. Sorry @SorchaC that's not a lot of help but do keep posting because this is a very useful forum.

 

[lemonbalm]

Hell @SorchaC

It’s very hard isn’t it, watching our mums go through this. My mum is apparently near the end now and I was so hoping that the dementia itself would bring her some peace at this stage. During the past few years, it has been like visiting a different person day to day. I think we must take comfort from the thought that they don’t remember things in the way we do. Your mum may know who you are on your next visit. She may be happy.

It sounds trite but the only way to deal with it is a day at a time, a visit at a time. Someone told me years ago that mum’s dementia would be harder for me than it would be for her. I thought it an odd thing to say at the time but now think they were probably right.

I hope your next visit is a good one. They are so precious.

Best wishes and keep posting. People here really do understand what you are going through.

 

[SorchaC]

That's the question that I wanted answered. I just wanted to know whether it would be 10 months or 10 years, just a vague idea but it's impossible to tell. Some sort of time frame so you can make plans, future plans, financial plans, all sorts of things but nobody knows.

How long is a piece of string. Sorry @SorchaC that's not a lot of help but do keep posting because this is a very useful forum.

I am with you on wanting the question answered. Everyone says it's impossible. Every time I hear that it hurts.
I want this to end for her. The thought that she could linger in the world she is in breaks me.

 

[SorchaC]

I am so grateful that I have the visits. My sister has not seen Mommy in 5 months. I think it would be so hard on her, my sister.
As horrible as the decline is I was so happy to see her for that first visit.
I make sure that at the end of each visit she knows she is loved. I told her at the beginning of the illness that all that was important in life is that you have loved and you were loved. So, I am hoping that dementia does not take that thought away from her.