Question for anyone...

[Jjrog62]

Hi , I have, had 2 parents, my Dad was 89 and passed away about 5 weeks ago. My Dad and myself have been taking care of my Mom for almost 8 years now as she struggles with dementia. About 2 weeks before my dad passed my mom was hospitalized with a broken back . I can't even believe my dad and best friend is gone . My mom over the last 2 weeks occasionally asks where is dad , I usually say something like he couldn't come today and she will just forget about it , or does she.
I have had most people tell me not to tell her that her husband of 66 years is gone. Even my own doctor said that since she is in the late stages of this disease I should not say anything.
I honestly don't feel right not telling her. Has anyone gone through this same experience or maybe some advice. I learn so much from hearing from others going through the same thing.
I thank all of you any advice or ideas of what is best to do.

 

[yoy]

It's a sad situation isn't it? The advice generally is not to tell her but to deflect the question, as you have done, because otherwise she might re-live the distress each time it is mentioned. I actually saw this in action one day in mum's care home. Not sure how the conversation started, I just became aware of the PWD starting to sob because her husband was dead, and their relative telling them not to cry because "we need to move on". They talked about something else for a while, then she asked about her husband again, to be told again that he had passed, at which point she started to sob again. I felt so sorry for her. So it may be best to keep telling her that he can't come today for whatever reason and then talk about something else.

 

[Jjrog62]

It's a sad situation isn't it? The advice generally is not to tell her but to deflect the question, as you have done, because otherwise she might re-live the distress each time it is mentioned. I actually saw this in action one day in mum's care home. Not sure how the conversation started, I just became aware of the PWD starting to sob because her husband was dead, and their relative telling them not to cry because "we need to move on". They talked about something else for a while, then she asked about her husband again, to be told again that he had passed, at which point she started to sob again. I felt so sorry for her. So it may be best to keep telling her that he can't come today for whatever reason and then talk about something else.

Thanks...Jeff

 

[Kevinl]

Personally I wouldn't, it might be OK but more likely not which could push her over the edge.
K