1. Expert Q&A: Living well as a carer - Weds 28 August, 3-4pm

    As a carer for a person living with dementia, the needs of the person you care for will often come before your own. You may experience a range of difficult emotions and you may not have the time to do all the things you need to do. Caring can have a big impact on both your mental and physical health, as well as your overall wellbeing.

    Angelo, our Knowledge Officer (Wellbeing) is our expert on this topic. He will be here to answer your questions on Wednesday 28 August between 3-4pm.

    You can either post questions >here< or email them to us at talkingpoint@alzheimers.org.uk and we'll answer as many as we can on the day.

  1. annii1

    annii1 Registered User

    Jul 5, 2012
    194
    west sussex
    I really want to give mum some quality of life. She is in carehome and juste wants to be home, make a cup of tea. Visits break mine and mum's heart. I really want to try taking her home for couple of hours, dad can say he needs to go back to hospital (as that is the story told to mum!). Could this work, I feel after 7months in carehome visits couldn't be any worse and I feel it's worth a try for mum. Am I totally wrong in my thoughts as I am too close to mum to think objectively? I know she will have to go back and that will obviously upset mum, but what else has she got, just wandering round a carehome and US visiting less and less as we dread the effect they have on mum and US.
     
  2. Noorza

    Noorza Registered User

    Jun 8, 2012
    6,570
    No you are not wrong, you like many or most of us are trying to balance mum's wishes against her needs.

    There are no easy answers.

    Perhaps you could write a list of the reasons why she is in a care home v the benefits of not being in her home.

    I would ask this question, if she is upset at not being able to go home would it be worse for her to leave her home and back to the care home repeatedly?

    I would ask for a meeting with the care home manager to see how she settles at times that don't involve visits, she may well be fine.

    No answers I am afraid only questions.
     
  3. cragmaid

    cragmaid Registered User

    Oct 18, 2010
    7,963
    North East England
    Anni, I think that you need to look at the reasons Mum had to go into the care home. Then I think you should try to imagine how Mum might react if you take her home and after tea, say "time to go back now Mum." You worry about how much she has to look forward to......this will sound harsh and it's not meant to be.....can Mum actually look forward....ie does she remember that you tell her that "on Saturday I'll come and see you" when you tell her on a Monday? Or is it because you look forward to seeing her and you hope she wants to see you when the reality might be that she does not remember that you will visit until you are standing in front of her.
    Have you tried taking her out for a run in the car or a trip to the cafe/garden centre/shops? I'm sorry but I can't remember myself?:rolleyes:
    I hope I am not being too negative but there was a reason and that reason has not gone away yet.
     
  4. annii1

    annii1 Registered User

    Jul 5, 2012
    194
    west sussex
    Thankyou for your comments. Yes I take mum out and at first it was ok, but as time goes by and she does remember us going out its not enough for her as she continuously asks to go home and she cried the whole visit last time. That's why I wonder if taking her to her home might give her a couple if hours of hope, as the visits at present are awful and I can't believe they could be any worse if we tried, even if it's just once with a home visit. But I'm probably wrong. I'm desperate just to improve her existence.
     
  5. pippop1

    pippop1 Registered User

    Apr 8, 2013
    518
    You say that taking her home will give her a few hours of hope.

    Is it not kinder in the long term not to tantalise her with glimpses of life in her old home as, sadly, there is no chance that she will return home permanently?
     
  6. BR_ANA

    BR_ANA Registered User

    Jun 27, 2012
    1,085
    Brazil
    Anni

    My mom visit my sister every week for more than 20 years. She is on CH for 3 yrs and we try to keep her visiting sister, on same old routine.

    However, since mom went CH, she never went to her old house, because we was afraid she would not want go back CH, or worst, she wouldnt recognise it as home.
     
  7. susy

    susy Registered User

    Jul 29, 2013
    806
    North East
    What is your mums mindset? Is her home her childhood home or the one she left to go to the care home? It might be worth a try, if she really can understand and take her for a visit. When I comes to going back home it might be easier to say she can come back tomorrow, and make sure you can follow through with that. And next time say you can come back on... Tuesday or whatever and keep to that too. Therefore she has something to look forward to. It all really does depend on her mindset. If I was given the promises that I could return I'd be much less likely to be difficult. However do treat with caution and do involve the care home and get their opinion.
     
  8. annii1

    annii1 Registered User

    Jul 5, 2012
    194
    west sussex
    Yes Suzy. That is exactly what I was thinking. Her mind set is about the home she has left, she can't quite remember it, though she hasn't seen it since last August but she remembers living with dad, seeing family there. I will talk to carehome
     
  9. Gigglemore

    Gigglemore Registered User

    Oct 18, 2013
    526
    British Isles
    A few days ago I had taken Mum out from the care home for lunch and gave in to an overwhelming desire to bring her back to our house for a while and let her see all her things, the flowers in the garden, her photos and ornaments etc. Hastily arranged a "safety net" of my boyfriend to come after a short while to help physically if needed (toilet is upstairs) but more importantly to distract Mum if it all went wrong.

    Pleased to report that although me & Mum both had a little weep, it went really well. I keep reassuring her that it doesn't matter where she sleeps, she doesn't stay with me all the time now because the house isn't suitable and I go out to work etc etc BUT as long as I live in the house I will keep all her things safe for her and she can come back to see them whenever she wants. This is still her home, I am just "looking after" her in a different way because she has been poorly.

    When it was time to go back to the care home there was no problem, as I could reiterate that I will bring her back to see her things and let her sit in her armchair again shortly. I now feel I can bring her for coffee or a meal of fresh garden produce; to pick her own changes for clothes/shoes; to let her chat to the neighbours over the garden fence; to give me orders about what I should be doing. I was able to let her feel she has not had to give up lots of material possessions.

    This was just my experience and I did feel at the time it was risky and I was letting my heart rule my head. Also, since starting anti-depressants Mum is no longer miserable and when taking her out on other trips she has not protested about going back to the care home - if your Mum protests every time you take her back from an outing because she hates the home, rather than just misses the home she shared with your Dad, then that is clearly a different scenario.

    Can't advise that you give it a try in case it does cause extra pain for you all, but just thought I would let you know my experience.

    Take care- hope things are better for your Mum soon.
     
  10. annii1

    annii1 Registered User

    Jul 5, 2012
    194
    west sussex
    Thankyou. What a joy to hear your trip home went well. My mum doesnt protest when going back to carehome just very sad. I will definitely give it a try, if it doesn't work out I won't do it again, but at least I will know i have tried!
     
  11. Madge99

    Madge99 Registered User

    Mar 29, 2014
    25
    My Dad went into a ch in Jan 2013 because my mum could no longer look after him. He was very angry at first and blamed everyone for putting him there. Without consulting anyone, after a few weeks, my nephew picked him up, took him home to see my mum. She was understandably worried that he wouldn't want to leave, but he went back and was OK. My mum is now housebound, so about once a month one of us takes him to see her. A few times he has asked if he could come back to live there (we just explain that mum is too poorly to look after him). Towards the end of last year he looked at the garden and asked her "is that part of your house too?" He lived in that house for 60 years.
     

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