Q&A: Christmas and dementia - Tues 19th Dec 3-4pm

[Mark_W]

As happy a time Christmas can be, it can also a stressful time if you're affected by dementia with practical challenges and difficult feelings to deal with.

So our next Q&A will be on the topic of Christmas and dementia. Julie from our National Dementia Helpline will be answering your questions on Tuesday 19th December from 3-4pm here in this thread.

If you have any questions you'd like to ask, you can post them here before the session, or if you prefer you can email your question to us at dementiasupportforum@alzheimers.org.uk and we'll be happy to ask them on your behalf.

Thanks

 

[Beate]

How ironic, that clashes with our Alzheimer's Society Christmas Party!

 

[Mark_W]

It's ok we're happy for you to post a question now or by email and then we'll post the answer during the Q&A so you can read it afterwards.

 

[Beate]

Not me personally, thanks.

 

[gene genie]

My mum diagnosis Altzhiemers she is currently in the hospital for rehabilitation, for mobility, the hospital don't think she will be able to discharged in time for Christmas, however they have 1/2 promised we could take her home for the day, or at worst for the afternoon. My question is if I do that will it upset more than do good, may I add mum is lucid more often than not, although she is very confused just now

 

[Bellabell]

We have made great efforts at Christmas to bring mum to our homes over the last few years (she is in a care home). It has always been worth it, generally she rallies for this. This year we are concerned she can't do stairs anymore, but with 3 adults helping, we will try to manage. My feeling is the heart is the most important aspect of Christmas- having family together . Yes she gets confused, we just keep telling her where she is and she will be going home soon, she would still rather be with family.

 

[gene genie]

Thanks for your reply it's reassured me somewhat, we have a bungalow so no stairs but mum cannot walk, in fact struggles to get to her feet at all without two staff and her walker, I'm just worried that if she needs the commode I wouldn't be able to walk her.
I so want her to have at least Christmas day with us, she's so frail now it may be that this will be her last Christmas.

 

[Mark_W]

Hi everyone, just a reminder that we'll be taking questions about Christmas and dementia between 3-4pm in this thread.

 

[Mark_W]

Hello everyone we'll be starting up our Q&A on Christmas and dementia in just a few minutes, please could you give a warm welcome to Julie from the Helpline who'll be answering your questions today.

 

[Julie_B]

Hello my name is Julie and I have been with the Alzheimer’s society for 3 years, firstly as a Dementia Support Worker and now I am working on the National Dementia Helpline where we are asked a variety of questions every day from carers, people with dementia, friends and family. I will be happy to answer any questions about Christmas as best I can.

 

[Julie_B]

My mum diagnosis Altzhiemers she is currently in the hospital for rehabilitation, for mobility, the hospital don't think she will be able to discharged in time for Christmas, however they have 1/2 promised we could take her home for the day, or at worst for the afternoon. My question is if I do that will it upset more than do good, may I add mum is lucid more often than not, although she is very confused just now

Hello Gene Genie,.

I can understand that you only want what is best for your mum. If you are able to bring your mum home for Christmas for a few hours I do hope she has a lovely time with the family but it may cause her some disorientation. If you mum does come and gets upset, having a quiet area where she can sit with just one person, reminisce and be calm will be helpful. Ensuring you allow good time if she does needs to go to the toilet or prompting every 90 minutes just in case, might be helpful also. However, as you mention it may well be more relaxing all around if you visit your mum where she is in the hospital and you will have help to hand should you need it. I wish you a Happy Christmas and hope you find the right solution.

I hope this helps but if you want to discuss this matter please call the helpline direct on tel: 0300 2221122

 

[Mark_W]

And this is a question that we've had in via email from Rebecca:

"How do I stop feeling guilty that there is only so much so can give my father at Xmas, and I need to focus on my children instead?

Does this make me uncaring?

I’m seeing him on Boxing Day but it breaks my heart that the frontal lobe dementia will make him shout at me at Xmas."

 

[Julie_B]

We have made great efforts at Christmas to bring mum to our homes over the last few years (she is in a care home). It has always been worth it, generally she rallies for this. This year we are concerned she can't do stairs anymore, but with 3 adults helping, we will try to manage. My feeling is the heart is the most important aspect of Christmas- having family together . Yes she gets confused, we just keep telling her where she is and she will be going home soon, she would still rather be with family.

Hello Bellabelle, It is wonderful that you feel you can manage with lots of help and give your mum a lovely Christmas filled with family. Perhaps a commode downstairs or bed downstairs might be a temporary solution if the stairs are too hard to manage this year. I wish you a wonderful Christmas with the family.

I hope this helps but if you want to discuss this matter please call the helpline direct on tel: 0300 2221122

 

[Julie_B]

And this is a question that we've had in via email from Rebecca:

"How do I stop feeling guilty that there is only so much so can give my father at Xmas, and I need to focus on my children instead?

Does this make me uncaring?

I’m seeing him on Boxing Day but it breaks my heart that the frontal lobe dementia will make him shout at me at Xmas."

Hello Rebecca,

Thanks for getting in touch. Christmas is such a busy time of year full of emotional demands and family excitement. We are often torn between family loyalties and you will naturally want to spend time with your children ensuring that they have a lovely time, open their stockings and enjoy their presents.


I don’t think it sounds uncaring because you have your own family as well as your father to consider and you obviously do care as you feel guilty about your father.


People often feel guilty over Christmas as they may feel they should see everyone and include everyone in everything but that can often dilute the pleasure and be more stressful for all. Seeing your father on Boxing Day will give you time for both. If he was well he would no doubt understand and remember that Christmas is such a joy for children you need to concentrate on them on Christmas day.


I am unsure where your father is? But if you really feel you should see him on the day then is it possible to just pop over to him in the evening for a hour or so and then see him on Boxing Day as well. Or is there anyone else that could see him while you spend the day with your children.


There is no easy answer to the complexities of a family Christmas but remember the good times, reminisce, smile, take time out, reassure and I wish you a peaceful Christmas.


I hope this helps but if you want to discuss this matter please call the helpline direct on tel: 0300 2221122

 

[Mark_W]

We've also had this question by email from 'Tired':

"This is the fifth Christmas I am spending with mum. I am tired and completely have a burn out.

Dementia has taken over our lives. We can not travel or have people over since she wets herself and diapers do not seem to help."

 

[Julie_B]

We've also had this question by email from 'Tired':

"This is the fifth Christmas I am spending with mum. I am tired and completely have a burn out.

Dementia has taken over our lives. We can not travel or have people over since she wets herself and diapers do not seem to help."

I am so sorry you are having a tough time of caring for your loved one. Incontinence can be very stressful and managing it a tough ask. Prompting every 90 minutes or so and rewarding positive behaviour (i.e. going for a wee) with a treat, or something the person likes to do will take time and patience. You may well have been trying this already. Do contact her GP and ask for the incontinence nurse to visit again as the product may not fit well or there may be better available. I have added a link to our factsheet which may be of help.

https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/downl...factsheet_continence_and_using_the_toilet.pdf

I hope this helps but if you want to discuss this matter please call the helpline direct on tel: 0300 2221122

 

[Mark_W]

We've also had this question via email from David:

"Hi about 8 months ago we put mum into respite care after she was wandering in the early hours of the morning in the pouring rain in just a nightdress reality hit that as much as we tried to care at home we could no longer it's taken ages to get her assessed for a permanent placement in a dementia unit we have only recently cleared her home and we took some of her home furnishings to the unit for her since this happened she has become quite distressed wanting to leave and go back to her house That's no longer an option We are very happy with where she is she is very well looked after there We really are so unsure about Christmas as I feel we may be making things worse by bringing her to our house in a change of setting then taking her back to the unit again mum is in her eighties I'm 53 and she tells everyone I'm her dad today when I visited she was quite off and asked what the hell do you want then I hate you just go and don't come back It is very difficult the dementia unit have said she will have a wonderful day with them and we would be silly to take her out for the day I just feel she is still mum and really am feeling between a rock and a hard place."

 

[Julie_B]

We've also had this question via email from David:

"Hi about 8 months ago we put mum into respite care after she was wandering in the early hours of the morning in the pouring rain in just a nightdress reality hit that as much as we tried to care at home we could no longer it's taken ages to get her assessed for a permanent placement in a dementia unit we have only recently cleared her home and we took some of her home furnishings to the unit for her since this happened she has become quite distressed wanting to leave and go back to her house That's no longer an option We are very happy with where she is she is very well looked after there We really are so unsure about Christmas as I feel we may be making things worse by bringing her to our house in a change of setting then taking her back to the unit again mum is in her eighties I'm 53 and she tells everyone I'm her dad today when I visited she was quite off and asked what the hell do you want then I hate you just go and don't come back It is very difficult the dementia unit have said she will have a wonderful day with them and we would be silly to take her out for the day I just feel she is still mum and really am feeling between a rock and a hard place."

Hello David, I can see your dilemma concerning your mum and understand wanting to bring her to your home for Christmas. She has had quite a year with lots of changes so the idea of a lovely family Christmas is understandable. If you have spoken with the staff in the unit and they have assured they will have a wonderful time it might be kinder to let her have her day with them. You could visit in the evening when the day is drawing to a close or maybe first thing before she gets too tired. Either way it will be emotional and not easy but your focus is on her having a lovely day. If she is not recognising you either it may be even more confusing if she comes to your house. A photograph album with pictures of you and her dad may clarify things for her. She no doubt sees a likeness and in her mind sees a younger dad (who may resemble you more) However if she is saying ‘she hates you’ it might not be such a good idea to press it, as she may have some unhappy memories stirring. It might be best to avoid asking questions about the picture or past, instead trying to make comments ‘that looks like Uncle Fred’, ‘Granny told me about the time he…..'

I hope this helps but if you want to discuss this matter please call the helpline direct on tel: 0300 2221122 . I hope you have a peaceful day and can all enjoy yourselves

 

[Mark_W]

That's all the questions we have time for today, thanks for all your help Julie.

We have some Fact sheets that might be helpful during the festive season that you can read here:

https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/downl...ing_and_supporting_a_person_with_dementia.pdf

https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/downl...45.727609029.1513598819-1631127977.1502269399

And over Christmas you might find this card of top tips handy.

You can download that by clicking on the link below.

Best wishes and I hope you all have a restful Christmas and New Year.

 

[Julie_B]

Thank you for all the questions today, just to let you know

Our opening hours this Christmas week are:

Christmas eve: 10am-1pm

Christmas day: closed

Boxing day: closed

Wednesday 27th: 9am-8pm

Thursday 28th: 9am-5pm

Friday 29th: 9am-5pm

Saturday 30th: 10am-4pm

New year’s eve: 10am-1pm

New year’s day: closed

We’ll be back to our usual opening hours from Tuesday 2nd January.

We find that the week around Christmas and New Year is very quiet on the Helpline, but January is much busier, with people calling for advice and support, having noticed changes in their loved one’s ability to cope. Talking Point Online Community is available every day of the year should you find you need support whilst our Helpline is closed.

Wishing you all a Happy and peaceful Christmas, the nights will soon be drawing out and Spring is on the way.

Helpline Advisor - National Dementia Helpline 0300 222 11 22 or email helpline@alzheimers.org.uk