1. MollyMae23

    MollyMae23 Registered User

    Jan 7, 2012
    40
    Sorry this is probably going to be a rant but it saves me shouting at my brothers so please forgive me.

    My brothers, I should feel sorry for them really but they add to my grief so much I just want to shake them.

    The reason I started caring for mum was I could see she needed help, told them, got no reaction so took the I i itiative. During the five years I looked after mum they rarely visited and even when they did they didn't do anything to help her or me. I tried to tell them how pressured I felt or how mum was getting worse but the only response I ever got from them was how I was doing things wrong or how the house wasn't looking as tidy as it should be when I had been having a particularly difficult time caring for mum.

    When mum was rush to hospital I got some reaction from one who seemed generally concerned but the other just told me he wouldn't be able to visit mum. Over the long nine months which are documented elsewhere in this forum, they showed a reasonable concern for mum but I never saw them. They thought I was overreacting when I said the first nursing home was neglecting her, showed disdain when I got mum rushed to A&E with sepsis and thought I was rocking the boat when I insisted she did not return to that Nursing Home. When she was admitted to the new Nursing Home they did say they approved and we went back to them seeing mum once every two week and me not at all. They didn't even bat an eyelid when I told them I was in therapy for a period whilst mum was with me or that I was on antidepressants during the last nine months.

    When I again had to make the dreadful decision of admitting mum to A&E (on doctors and nursing home's advice) because she was suffering from aspiration pneumonia and saw how poorly mum was I called both of them to advise that mum might not make it. One was concern, the other made an issue about calling him at work. Neither of them were around the day mum died but arrived the next day when one asked why I was upset as he viewed it that mum was no longer suffering and the other said very little. They then insisted that we clear her Nursing Home room that day.

    During the visit with the Funeral Director they both seemed to want to go for the quickest and cheapest option available but, as they both wanted to see mum in the chapel of rest they relented (I really needed to see mum as rest because my last memory was horrible but that wasn't going to swing the argument).

    I had to pay for the funeral even though I am not working, with the promise from one that he would pay his share. The other pleaded poverty even though he and his partner both work. There was also some argument about when to hold the funeral to be the least convenient to them and they left me A tiny slot to visit mum at the Chapel of Rest. We got through the funeral and both said a little but neither made any acknowledgement of the care and love mum had received from me through the last years.


    I did not hear anything from them after the funeral except from one of them brerating me for being in contact with his ex wife who has been really supportive. And before I go on, my friends, neighbours and complete strangers have been really considerate and compassionate to me through this period.

    Now we are at the stage of arranging for mum's ashes to be buried and again I am getting one brother moaning that this can't be done on a Bank Holiday, even, very hurt fully I thing, saying that NO ONE would be able to attend at another time. So apparently I am no one.

    I know it sounds like Cinderella but I am having to hold my tongue so often at the moment I feel like I am going to explode. Writing this has stopped me sending a very trueful email to them so hopefully I will keep my cool until we can finally agree to lay mum to rest and then get rid of the two of them out of my life. Everyone tells me what a support family is at this time, my just intensify the pain and make it seem as if mum's death is either inconvenient or such a non event it's not worth bothering about.

    Sorry again, I need to get that out.

    Thanks
     
  2. piph

    piph Registered User

    Feb 4, 2013
    1,530
    Northamptonshire
    So sorry for your loss and the problems you are having with your brothers. It makes me thankful that I am an only child and there is nobody who will question or disagree with my decisions concerning my Mum. Stay strong until this is over, then, as you say, you can have as little as possible to do with them. Sending cyber hugs ((())))
     
  3. Cat27

    Cat27 Volunteer Moderator

    Feb 27, 2015
    9,765
    Merseyside
    I'd go & bury the ashes yourself & s*d them!
     
  4. Adcat

    Adcat Registered User

    Jun 15, 2014
    290
    London
    Your not alone. There are many stories on this forum about horrid siblings. I have two of them. Older than me. One manages a whole 6 hours split over two evenings per week to be with my dad. The other one has a gawp every couple of months. I pretend I'm an only child just to cope.
    I would be inclined to do as Cat said.
    Take care and keep your chin up
     
  5. marionq

    marionq Registered User

    Apr 24, 2013
    5,537
    Female
    Scotland
    MollyMae I would walk away and forget them. If they could not support you in such a time of need they will never be any use to you at all.
     
  6. Quilty

    Quilty Registered User

    Aug 28, 2014
    1,056
    GLASGOW
    Do what you want and ask them to join

    I would do what you did for your Mum - ie do what you believe to be the right thing and invite them to join you, If they kick off stand firm and do it anyway. Your life, your rules and you were the carer and deserve to make the final arrangements.

    Expect nothing from them and remember the true friends and neighbours and ask them too.

    So many of us are in the same boat. My mum was rushed to hospital over 3 weeks ago and I have not even had a reply from my sister to the several messages I have left her. She is not interested as Mum can no longer do anything for her. She lives within walking distance of my Mum, is single and does not work and was seeing her every 6 weeks and getting money from her.

    You can look back and know you were a good a loving daughter. None of us carers are perfect but we are THERE. You were there and your Mum lived a better life because of you. Keep a dignified silence and soldier on. We all understand and are behind you.
     
  7. Blimey

    Blimey Registered User

    Jun 6, 2012
    20
    I feel for you as I know how difficult siblings can be at the same time as contributing little in terms of support or care. I weep when I see how niave I was about the support of siblings with parents who need care.

    Family used to be so important to me but my experience, being the 3rd year of Mum living with me, is I reaslise how self centred siblings can be and I am looking forward to a day I can put contact with them far behind me.

    I recommend looking after what you now need, try not to waste your emotion on them and concentrate on making your last goodbye to the person you cared for as peaceful an experience as you can.
     
  8. Kjn

    Kjn Registered User

    Jul 27, 2013
    5,835
    Oh Molly , do what you feel right for you and your mum . I think you know best here .
    I can only offer a hug (((()))):)
     

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