Possibility of my mum moving in with my daughter & her young family.

[Mother goose]

Thank you so much, CollegeGirl, for your very kind reply.
My daughter is a hard worker & up to 4 weeks before she had her 2nd baby she was a childminder working from home & cared for 6 children on different days. We both love babies & children & I helped her several days a week. I really enjoyed it, as it gave me more time to spend with my granddaughter too, in between going to my Mum.

Thank you all so much & I really do appreciate all your concerns & I know it would be a huge commitment for her, so I'm hoping we can sort something else out.

Mother Goose, I don't know how you do it, I take my hat off to you. Your lovely daughter obviously takes after you and has the same hard-working ethics you do.

I'm sorry we have all seemed to pour cold water on your daughter's plans, and hope that you can see that it's only because of our concern at the thought of a young mother taking on this huge commitment, with the impact that it will have not only on her but her very young children.

Whatever you all decide to do, I would like to wish you the very best of luck and hope that everything works out for you all. Your mum is a very lucky lady to have such a loving and determined family surrounding her!

xxx

 

[Linbrusco]

Boldierose & Marsieday... my 2 children now 11 & 16 were looked after by my Mum from 6mths of age till starting school.
Now Mum & Dad live behind us.
My 16yo son is ever so helpful towards both of them ,especially Mum with AD.
Always has a smile for her

One day when he saw Mum walking down the driveway he ran after her to ask her where she was going.
Have told both children if Grandma turns left she will be gong to the dairy 2 mins down the road, (which is fine by us) if she turns right she will be trying to walk to the main shops cross 3 busy streets and 10 mins away.
She had turned right, but she had spied the neighbour next door and had gone to talk to her.
His Grandma (at this stage) thinks highly of him, and loved the fact that he cared enough to check after her.
At this stage of her AD she still remembers the fact that we don't like her walking to the main shops..
She still swears black and blue that she does all the cooking and cleaning though

It's my 11yo daughter who is a bit indifferent, and doesn't talk to her grandparents the same as she used to. Doesn't pop over to visit, and gets cross when Grandma repeats herself over and over.
I'm trying to teach her a bit of empathy and compassion, and some skills to cope with it.. It's hard work.

 

[Mother goose]

I am so relieved that my young daughter & her husband have decided that they wouldn't move my mum in with them. After a lot of discussion, they realised it wasn't the right thing to do, at their age & with a young family. It has been such a huge worry the last few weeks, as they have 2 very young children.

6 weeks ago, I managed to organise for my mum to have home help, 5 morns a week, as she would stay in bed most days for 17 hours. Thankfully, the home help started on mon this week & for the last 5 days, got my mum up & her breakfast & tablets.

My mum wouldn't shower or bath, only wash with a flannel. She wouldn't listen to me, about washing & the last time she had a shower was in Dec, when in hospital for a few days. Even then, it was a huge struggle to agree to the nurse helping her.

I'm delighted that today, the homehelp managed to get my mum to have a bath, which she supervised. So I'm hoping she can get my mum into a routine, that she will be happy with & I can carry on helping her too. Sadly her memory is very bad & she gets confused more, so I'm just so glad that my daughter & family have made the right decision.

 

[dottyd]

I am so relieved that my young daughter & her husband have decided that they wouldn't move my mum in with them. After a lot of discussion, they realised it wasn't the right thing to do, at their age & with a young family. It has been such a huge worry the last few weeks, as they have 2 very young children.

6 weeks ago, I managed to organise for my mum to have home help, 5 morns a week, as she would stay in bed most days for 17 hours. Thankfully, the home help started on mon this week & for the last 5 days, got my mum up & her breakfast & tablets.

My mum wouldn't shower or bath, only wash with a flannel. She wouldn't listen to me, about washing & the last time she had a shower was in Dec, when in hospital for a few days. Even then, it was a huge struggle to agree to the nurse helping her.

I'm delighted that today, the homehelp managed to get my mum to have a bath, which she supervised. So I'm hoping she can get my mum into a routine, that she will be happy with & I can carry on helping her too. Sadly her memory is very bad & she gets confused more, so I'm just so glad that my daughter & family have made the right decision.

Mum was at that stage just before she went into care home. It all happened so quickly. It was when she started to wander. If she had only stayed in her own home where she was safe. She got out every day as well but it wasn't enough .

Btw I thought you dealt admirably with that comment that came out of left field.

 

[Chemmy]

So pleased you all came to that decision.

 

[Mother goose]

Thank you for your message, Dottyd. It's us daughters' who do the most care for our Mums'. I know in other families, other family members do too. I do hope your Mum is doing well in her nursing home.

I assume you are referring to the comment,
'Why do you not play a more active role in your mother's care'.

It made me feel quite upset, as I do so much for my mum & people that know me, say I go beyond that & do more than I need. That is why I detailed everything I do for my mum & as I mentioned, my husband is a great help too.






QUOTE=dottyd;922158]Mum was at that stage just before she went into care home. It all happened so quickly. It was when she started to wander. If she had only stayed in her own home where she was safe. She got out every day as well but it wasn't enough .

Btw I thought you dealt admirably with that comment that came out of left field.[/QUOTE]

 

[CollegeGirl]

I am so, so relieved that your daughter has come to this decision! There's nothing to stop her (continuing, presumably) to help out with her grandma as and when she can, but I'm glad she's putting her own young family first, which in my humble opinion is the right thing to do.

Very best wishes to you all, you sound like a great, supportive family - and don't forget your own life, too! You deserve some time off too, you know!

xx

 

[Mother goose]

Thank you so much, for your kind response, CollegeGirl.
It's great that my daughter can now, have her time with her young family. She is very good with my Mum & helps me out, when I need it.

My husband & myself are going over to West Sussex for a week in July, to see our 2 sons & their families & I also have an appointment at a London hospital, for an auto immune condition that I've had for several years. So it's lovely as we get to see our 2 other young grandchildren, who we don't see very often, as we are living in Ireland.

My daughter will take over from me & take my Mum's dinners & tablets in every eve & will cook for her at the weekend, we are away. I'm so glad that I managed to get home help in to my mum 5 morns. As my little granddaughter will be at playschool, my daughter will take my Mum to the day centre, the 1st 3 morns. So when I'm away, I hope I can worry a lot less.

I am so, so relieved that your daughter has come to this decision! There's nothing to stop her (continuing, presumably) to help out with her grandma as and when she can, but I'm glad she's putting her own young family first, which in my humble opinion is the right thing to do.

Very best wishes to you all, you sound like a great, supportive family - and don't forget your own life, too! You deserve some time off too, you know!

xx

 

[Mother goose]

Thank you for your reply, Piph.
'The comment', just made me quite upset & angry, I certainly didn't feel forgiving.
I decided to mention all I do for my Mum & all my husband does too, I shouldn't have had have to though. Thank you again, for your support, Piph.

Phew, what a relief. I was following this thread, but didn't comment as I had nothing to add, and was wondering if any decision had been made. I also feel you dealt admirably with 'the comment' - if I had been in your shoes I'm not sure that I would have been as forgiving.

 

[Mother goose]

Thank you for your message, Piph.
I wish I had replied to the comment in a different way, as I was feeling so angry. But I was afraid that I might say too much. At least I'll know how to deal with it, if it does happens again.

I'm looking forward to having a break with my 2 sons & their families.
I hope you get to have a break too, at some point.

No thanks needed, I'm getting loads of support, so just trying to pay some back! As to the comment, I found it quite insulting, and, had I been you, would have said so. But then that's me - when I'm hurt I tend to hit back and then question the wisdom of it afterwards! Hope you have a great few days away, and that your appointment goes well.

 

[lulubel]

My mum has lived with us for nearly 2 years now. My children are 15,10 and 7. Its 'ok' at the moment, as she is fairly placid, but I can see a time when its going to be too much, all round. That's probably sooner rather than later. My biggest thing at the moment is that although I could leave the children (with my oldest as 'babysitter') for a couple of hours in the evening so we could 'have a life', my mother won't be left. I have no life of my own at all. My 7 year old has a more active social life!!!
Things will have to change soon....
Its really hard work, and something I definitely would not do again, if it arose!

Lulu xx

 

[jugglingmum]

Just wanted to say it sounds like you've managed to find a good balance.

I am pleased your daughter isn't going to try and have your mum at home with her children being so small.

I really felt like I was pouring cold water on an idea you were just considering to make things work so hope I was helpful.

With hindsight we think my mum has had dementia since at least 2010, and during that time on her regular visits to come and stay to see us, she had been very critical of the children to a point of severe upset, and daughter in particular saying 'I hate grandma'. I know some families manage, but this is too much for us.

 

[Saffie]

At least I'll know how to deal with it, if it does happens again.

I hope it doesn't but sadly it, or something similar, might.
I agree with Piph, you dealt with it with considerable restraint.
You seem to be dealing well with everything else in your, and your family's, life too.

 

[Mother goose]

Thank you for your message, Lulubel.
You have done well if you've looked after your mum for 2 years, in your own home. It must be hard for you if your mum won't be left, so you can go out.
I hope whatever you decide to do, will work out for you. MG.xx

My mum has lived with us for nearly 2 years now. My children are 15,10 and 7. Its 'ok' at the moment, as she is fairly placid, but I can see a time when its going to be too much, all round. That's probably sooner rather than later. My biggest thing at the moment is that although I could leave the children (with my oldest as 'babysitter') for a couple of hours in the evening so we could 'have a life', my mother won't be left. I have no life of my own at all. My 7 year old has a more active social life!!!
Things will have to change soon....
Its really hard work, and something I definitely would not do again, if it arose!

Lulu xx

 

[Mother goose]

Thank you for your reply, jugglingmum.
I'm grateful for any advice & you mentioned when the children start school & have their friends back, it could be difficult. I told that to my daughter & she hadn't thought of that either. So it was helpful advice & thank you again.

That must have been hard for you & your children, if your mum was causing upset by being critical of them. As I read responses to my post, that it can affect them as they get older.

Just wanted to say it sounds like you've managed to find a good balance.

I am pleased your daughter isn't going to try and have your mum at home with her children being so small.

I really felt like I was pouring cold water on an idea you were just considering to make things work so hope I was helpful.

With hindsight we think my mum has had dementia since at least 2010, and during that time on her regular visits to come and stay to see us, she had been very critical of the children to a point of severe upset, and daughter in particular saying 'I hate grandma'. I know some families manage, but this is too much for us.

 

[Mother goose]

Thank you for your message, Saffie.
I can deal with helping my daughter when she needs it, with babysitting & collecting her 4yr old daughter from playschool & having sleepovers with us or taking them shopping etc. I really enjoy having time with my 2 grandchildren.

I struggle to deal with my mum's situation, as she still thinks her memory isn't that bad. If I tell her something, soon as I've finished, she's forgotten what I said. As I don't have any siblings nearby, I am the only family member who has to constantly tell her what she should or shouldn't be doing, when I go in every day.

I feel so bad some days, as I can't deal with it & those days I feel an awful daughter. I even tried to explain that to my mum the other day & I said to her, I'll understand if you hate me for telling you what to do, but I'm only trying to help you. I Just get annoyed some days & worry when she stays in bed for 17 hours & no food or drink & won't listen to me. Said she didn't take offence, but of course within a few mins she forgotten what I said. I felt better having tried to explain it to her.

She comes to us for dinner every sunday & yesterday was only just up at 4 oclock, again no food or drink. My husband collected her at 5.30 & took her home at 9.30. When we're having dinner, we talk to her, but she can't absorb some things. So most of the time, we ate in silence. After dinner, we all watched TV & was a comedy programme on, which was quite funny. My mum sat there, with a serious face & showed no reaction. We then watched Britains got talent, which most people enjoy. MY husband & myself were enjoying it, my mum again, no emotion. One act was very good & we were saying how well they did. I asked my mum, what did she think of them. She said, they were pathetic. With comments like that, it makes the evening quite depressing.

So another reason I'm glad my daughter changed her mind. If my mum was watching tv with them & making comments, it would have got to them, if it happened every eve & day after day.

When my husband took her home, she said this is the bit I don't like, being on my own. He reminded her, that I arranged for the homehelp to go in to her 5 morns, so she could stay independent & that I go in every day too. We moved her closer to us & borrowed a friends empty house, 2 years ago so she could stay independent. He told her that the Drs have said, she shouldn't be living on her own, that she's not safe.
He said, if your not happy with that & you want company, the only other solution is a convalesant home, he didn't want to say nursing home. She said, oh no, I don't want that. So I worry about her safety every day & I have health probs myself, one of which is an auto immune condition & stress can make it worse.

I hope it doesn't but sadly it, or something similar, might.
I agree with Piph, you dealt with it with considerable restraint.
You seem to be dealing well with everything else in your, and your family's, life too.

 

[Saffie]

You are very much stuck between the generations but I am so glad that you have the pleasure of your grandchildren to offset the sadness of coping with your mother.
Grandchildren are wonderful especially when they are as young as your's are.

I used to look after my grandchilden when they were younger too and I think it builds a wonderful bond with them. The youngest is 12 now and so my help is less often required though I still see a lot of all 5 of them - 3 with one daughter, these are the ones I looked after daily for a number of years and 2 with my other daughter and I looked after them too but not quite as often. They all live near me which is so nice now that I am living alone.

I am glad that your daughter is not going to be caring for your mother full-time. It would be difficult with such small children and she can still help a lot.You are right to mention a convalescent home, I still use that word for my husband - so much morte acceptable! I hope your mother comes round to the idea eventually. Very best of luck. x

 

[lulubel]

Mother Goose,
I was just sharing my experience. Its not easy, but not impossible!!
How much are you prepared to give up? Where does the compromise come? I have my boundaries VERY clearly set, as soon as they are breached, then things have to change. That's my best advice..... being in the middle of this with young children....
Lulu xx

 

[Spencer81]

I have moved into my parents house to care for my Mum so dad can still work. Mum has vascular dementia. I have a partner, a 3 year old and a 10 month old baby. It is EXTREMELY challenging!!!
Mum refuses to go to day care (no reason) and is at the stage where she flies off the handle at the smallest thing. This is very distressing for me and the children. My 3 year old often asks 'why is nanny shouting' or 'why is nanny crying'. Today she was putting the kids toys in the bin and so I took them out and put them back and she started shouting that she's not allowed to do anything!.
Also she sometimes can be incontinent. Not easy cleaning that up whilst your 10 month old is crawling around or crying for lunch and your 3 year old is hanging off your leg wanting to play!!
I would not recommend it to anyone and sounds like you have the best solution and a strong family network!
I wish you all well. Xx

 

[Mother goose]

Thank you for your message, Spencer81.
Sounds like you have a very difficult family life. It must be hard for your 3 year old to understand what's going on. It's great you have your dad & partner there for support. Would your dad be able to persuade your mum to go to day care? My mum didn't want to go at the beginning, kept saying she didn't want to be with people her own age.
I think she expected people to come knocking on her door, to be friends.

Eventually, I managed to persuade her to go & went with her & had a look round & stayed for lunch. The next time, I left her & went back for her later. Isn't it so sad, it's like our roles are reversed & like we're taking them to school. I know my mum doesn't join in or talk much to the other ladies. Even though she insists she does do.
I do hope you manage ok. I wish you all well too.xxx

I have moved into my parents house to care for my Mum so dad can still work. Mum has vascular dementia. I have a partner, a 3 year old and a 10 month old baby. It is EXTREMELY challenging!!!
Mum refuses to go to day care (no reason) and is at the stage where she flies off the handle at the smallest thing. This is very distressing for me and the children. My 3 year old often asks 'why is nanny shouting' or 'why is nanny crying'. Today she was putting the kids toys in the bin and so I took them out and put them back and she started shouting that she's not allowed to do anything!.
Also she sometimes can be incontinent. Not easy cleaning that up whilst your 10 month old is crawling around or crying for lunch and your 3 year old is hanging off your leg wanting to play!!
I would not recommend it to anyone and sounds like you have the best solution and a strong family network!
I wish you all well. Xx