Possibility of my mum moving in with my daughter & her young family.

[Mother goose]

I have posted on here several times about my mum, who is 84, living alone & I go into her every day. My daughter lives close by to me & has a 4yr old little girl & a 4 month old baby boy. She has been thinking about being a paid carer for my mum & it would mean moving her into her home with her husband & their 2 children. I just worry that it would be a huge commitment for them, especially when we don't know when my mum will get worse.

She is in the middle stage & her memory has become very bad. My husband suggested we take my mum at the weekends at our house, to give them family time. It's just a huge decision to make, especially as they are a young family. It's difficult to know whether it would work. If we all went ahead with it & my mum moved in with them & it didn't work out, I don't know what we could do then.

 

[Chemmy]

Sorry, but I think that although this offer has been made with the best of intentions, this is a really bad idea.

Your grandchildren should be the priority in this situation and I would never have allowed my daughter to move my mum into her home. I had my grandfather, without dementia, living with us from when I was aged 7 through to 15 and I resented it big time as a child.

 

[jugglingmum]

I agree with Chemmy, whilst the children are this age they may not notice the odd things that Grandma does, but as she gets older they will, they will want to have friends round as soon as they start school and this may be difficult.

My children are 13 and 8 nearly 9 so a bit older. There is no way we could cope with ongoing family life with my mum here. We had her here on and off for 3 months, and she is now in assisted living, so not a home, and it was difficult for both children to do their homework etc. They miss the grandma who used to play cards and board games, but they don't miss who she is now, they were glad when she got a permanent flat.

 

[Mother goose]

I just worry that it wouldn't be the right thing to do, but my husband says, I always look for the negatives, but they will lose their privacy too.The positives, are that she won't have stairs as a risk of falling & won't be on her own, as she is now. We'll all have to sit down & think it through & look for solutions.

Sorry, but I think that although this offer has been made with the best of intentions, this is a really bad idea.

Your grandchildren should be the priority in this situation and I would never have allowed my daughter to move my mum into her home. I had my grandfather, without dementia, living with us from when I was aged 7 through to 15 and I resented it big time as a child.

 

[Mother goose]

That's true, that my little granddaughter will want her friends round, when she starts school in September. My mum can go to day centre, 3 days a wk, but most weeks only goes one day, then stays in bed til late aftn. I could imagine her saying to my daughter, I don't feel well & want to stay home. That would because she'd think she was missing out, if at the centre. I'll have to talk to my daughter again.

I agree with Chemmy, whilst the children are this age they may not notice the odd things that Grandma does, but as she gets older they will, they will want to have friends round as soon as they start school and this may be difficult.

My children are 13 and 8 nearly 9 so a bit older. There is no way we could cope with ongoing family life with my mum here. We had her here on and off for 3 months, and she is now in assisted living, so not a home, and it was difficult for both children to do their homework etc. They miss the grandma who used to play cards and board games, but they don't miss who she is now, they were glad when she got a permanent flat.

 

[2197alexandra]

I am 38 this year I have four children aged 4 7 9 16 and we are currently moving house so dad can come and live with us. I am hos full time carer and whilst the past eighteen months have been all about keeping him as independent as possible in his own home if is now a matter of keeping him safe and I can't do that with fifteen miles between us. It was always my intention to care for dad throughout this treble illness but I had to make sure I could do what I was promising everyone I could do.

I have spent the past eighteen months researching, learning, making things up as I go along. I have had the ass assessed out of me and dad by all and sundry. I have been to he'll and back and quite sure I shall visit many times yet to come. But I had to make sure on my heart of hearts I could do what I was promising. I now know that I'm gonna give it my best b no matter what and thankfully my children and husband wouldn't have it any other way.

It will be hard on your daughter if she does take

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[ellejay]

For everyone's sake, it's good that you are looking at this from all angles. Maybe all parties should read this forum.

Ok if your mum is a placid sufferer, but what if that changes? Have they considered how they will cope if your mum is incontinent, if she doesn't sleep, if she wanders? All these things happen.

Personally I think it is too big a commitment for someone with a young family.

Lin x

 

[Raggedrobin]

I think you are right to be concerned, your mum will decline over time and no one can predict how she will behave in the future. Is there any way your mum could move into sheltered accommodation nearby, so your daughter could still be her carer, but not have her living with them. I think it is great that daughter wants to help but I wonder if she realised what impact it will have on her whole family life.

 

[2197alexandra]

Sorry but the wrong button.

It will be hard on your daughter and her young family like I can see it will be for me but we know that and have decided as a family we are prepared to do our best. She really must do what's right for all her family through out the progression off what becomes your only world.

My sincere apologies if any of the above is gobuldiduck but looking after our parents drove me to the Red wine.

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[Katrine]

Is this plan sustainable?

I wouldn't invite the matriarch of the family to live with me, however nice a grandma she might be. Your daughter's household routine will be poles apart from how things were when your mum was bringing up her family, and the noise and demands of young children will be a great strain on your mum.

She will find it difficult to be a guest and will offer to take on tasks that may be beyond her capabilities. How do you refuse babysitting, or meal preparation, when these are things she'll want to do to contribute and not feel a burden. The last thing your mum wants to be is the third child.

And yet, while the little ones are growing up fast, grandma will be regressing. Those little ones won't understand because they will thrive on learning while their great grandma is unlearning. What a juggling act for the parents to be teaching their children life skills, while simultaneously being on the same wavelength as someone who is losing the capacity to be independent.

I am sure that some families can make this work, with lots of support from an extended family team, but one young couple will eventually buckle under the strain. Maybe not immediately, but for how long would this arrangement be sustainable? What would happen next? If you sit down and plan a long-term strategy then this proposal might be OK as phase 1. It is a lovely and loving idea. What a dear daughter you have. You must be very proud of her.

 

[Mother goose]

We will have to talk to our daughter & her husband again & tell them all the good & bad parts. They are both only 28, so they are young to think about dealing with the situation.

I do hope it works out well for you, your dad & your family. He is very lucky to have you & that you are prepared to move house, to accomodate him.

I am 38 this year I have four children aged 4 7 9 16 and we are currently moving house so dad can come and live with us. I am hos full time carer and whilst the past eighteen months have been all about keeping him as independent as possible in his own home if is now a matter of keeping him safe and I can't do that with fifteen miles between us. It was always my intention to care for dad throughout this treble illness but I had to make sure I could do what I was promising everyone I could do.

I have spent the past eighteen months researching, learning, making things up as I go along. I have had the ass assessed out of me and dad by all and sundry. I have been to he'll and back and quite sure I shall visit many times yet to come. But I had to make sure on my heart of hearts I could do what I was promising. I now know that I'm gonna give it my best b no matter what and thankfully my children and husband wouldn't have it any other way.

It will be hard on your daughter if she does take

Sent from my GT-I8190N using Talking Point mobile app

 

[Mother goose]

You are right, we don't know what the future holds, or how my mum will progress. My husband said, if she gets worse, then we would have to put her in a nursing home. But that could take up to 3 months to get the application etc.

For everyone's sake, it's good that you are looking at this from all angles. Maybe all parties should read this forum.

Ok if your mum is a placid sufferer, but what if that changes? Have they considered how they will cope if your mum is incontinent, if she doesn't sleep, if she wanders? All these things happen.

Personally I think it is too big a commitment for someone with a young family.

Lin x

 

[Mother goose]

There aren't any sheltered accomodations near us, as we live in the country, in Ireland. There is probably some in Dublin, but that's over 2 hours drive away from us.

My mum is living on her own & my daughter did suggest maybe, if she was her carer & just looked after her, by going in to her home each day. At least that way, she wouldn't be living with them & then they would have their privacy etc.






QUOTE=Raggedrobin;918714]I think you are right to be concerned, your mum will decline over time and no one can predict how she will behave in the future. Is there any way your mum could move into sheltered accommodation nearby, so your daughter could still be her carer, but not have her living with them. I think it is great that daughter wants to help but I wonder if she realised what impact it will have on her whole family life.[/QUOTE]

 

[wonderlander]

I have posted on here several times about my mum, who is 84, living alone & I go into her every day. My daughter lives close by to me & has a 4yr old little girl & a 4 month old baby boy. She has been thinking about being a paid carer for my mum & it would mean moving her into her home with her husband & their 2 children. I just worry that it would be a huge commitment for them, especially when we don't know when my mum will get worse.

She is in the middle stage & her memory has become very bad. My husband suggested we take my mum at the weekends at our house, to give them family time. It's just a huge decision to make, especially as they are a young family. It's difficult to know whether it would work. If we all went ahead with it & my mum moved in with them & it didn't work out, I don't know what we could do then.

I totally agree with everyone else on this. We made the decision to have my mother living with us. She has mixed A and Vascular Dementia. It is tough. There is sometimes swearing and tantrums,incontinence and illogical behaviour. Not the place for children. Nice thought, but not advisable at all.

 

[Mother goose]

Thank you, Katrine, yes I am very proud of my daughter. She has been through a lot, as a young baby & child, she had a lot of health problems, which were finally resolved when when she had a tumour removed from her parathyroid gland, at the age of 14. She has also lost 3 babies in the last few yrs. So I'm delighted & so happy that she now has her 2 children who she adores, as does her husband, myself & my husband too. It has made her a stronger person & a very caring mum to her children.

My mum wouldn't be babysitting for her at all, myself & her mother-in-law take turns & we both love looking after her children. My daughter is very independant & likes to do all the cooking herself. Her husband is very good & does help her & is a great daddy with looking after the children too.
I agree with what you have said & I will tell my daughter all the downsides of caring for her grandmother.

I wouldn't invite the matriarch of the family to live with me, however nice a grandma she might be. Your daughter's household routine will be poles apart from how things were when your mum was bringing up her family, and the noise and demands of young children will be a great strain on your mum.

She will find it difficult to be a guest and will offer to take on tasks that may be beyond her capabilities. How do you refuse babysitting, or meal preparation, when these are things she'll want to do to contribute and not feel a burden. The last thing your mum wants to be is the third child.

And yet, while the little ones are growing up fast, grandma will be regressing. Those little ones won't understand because they will thrive on learning while their great grandma is unlearning. What a juggling act for the parents to be teaching their children life skills, while simultaneously being on the same wavelength as someone who is losing the capacity to be independent.

I am sure that some families can make this work, with lots of support from an extended family team, but one young couple will eventually buckle under the strain. Maybe not immediately, but for how long would this arrangement be sustainable? What would happen next? If you sit down and plan a long-term strategy then this proposal might be OK as phase 1. It is a lovely and loving idea. What a dear daughter you have. You must be very proud of her.

 

[ellejay]

You might find it helpful to read back through all your earlier posts. The things that worried you then about your mums behaviour, (and safety) have probably not got better.


Just a thought

Lin x

 

[chris53]

Hello Mothergoose, so sorry, your daughter has a good and caring heart, but her children and family must come first now, maybe if nan could stay with her for a week, your daughter may see how things really are, but it could be nan's "good week" so very difficult to judge how day to day living is going to be, someone like your daughter who is so young with a young family, it may ruin her life even if she has full support from her family, and may have such an impact on her children, my parents lived with my nan till I was 13, grandad died when I was 8, nan did not have dementia, but our once a year few days away, family holidays stopped as she done the guilt trip about being left alone my friends were not allowed in, as it would have caused problems with her...so massive resentment and memories I would not rather have, as nan was a lovely person but so needy she passed away when when I was 22, and we danced to her tune till the end.... I hope you and your family can come to a peaceful compromise x

 

[CollegeGirl]

Oh goodness, please don't let her do it, was my first thought. At her age and with her young family she should be enjoying her life and concentrating on her children.

What a kind hearted girl she must be, and how lovely that she wants to care for her grandma. She's a credit to you, but you must save her from herself!

 

[Nebiroth]

Goodness, I'm afraid my first thought on reading this was "no - no - no"

It is a lovelt thought of your daughter but being brutally honest I think it has all the makings of a disaster.

Caring for someone with dementia and two young children, one of who is a four month old baby? All in the same house?

 

[min88cat]

I'm afraid I'm with the majority. Two youngsters with their own young family and dementia in the mix? No way! Dementia doesn't get better, there could be violence, swearing incontinence, not the sorts of things for little ones to be around. Your daughter should be spending time with her children, and enjoying every moment without any stress. they aren't little for long and she could well resent the time spent looking after her gran.