Please may I have some advice regarding difficult sibling.
- Thread starter Adcat
- Start date
It strikes me that there's two different points here - one, the initial question from your sibling - taken at face value. That's actually pretty easily dealt with I think - the simple answer to his question is No - no it wouldn't be okay to take your Dad away on holiday, abroad or here, his health has deteriorated too far for that. It would be a negative not a positive experience (probably for all concerned!) and may even precipitate a further decline.
The second point of course is what has prompted this random out of the blue proposal - you could ask what made him think of it, did he feel it was now or never, one last treat? Point out that he can spend quality time with your Dad at any time by coming to see him and keeping him in his familiar routine and surroundings. If you have POA Dad can't (validly) sign over any monies to sibling although if that's the agenda and it is pursued it could really upset Dad and sibling may even produce something 'signed' by Dad at a later date in an effort to claim some extra inheritance.
I know ignoring it is the tempting option - and you could wait until you get another request - if you do - just say you didn't get the first message.... and then I would just give a brisk reply as above, "No, it isn't okay anymore". And I wouldn't give away my suspicions at this stage, wait and see what response you get after the No. If you accuse too soon there'll just be a lot of denials and outrage and you'll end up being the bad guy.
Good luck.
PS Just wanted to add my sympathies to you Jaygun, getting my Mum to appointments was a nightmare and my heart used to sink every time one plopped through the letter box 'be here, be there at this time for that long' and I'd always think 'but it's just not that simple!'
The second point of course is what has prompted this random out of the blue proposal - you could ask what made him think of it, did he feel it was now or never, one last treat? Point out that he can spend quality time with your Dad at any time by coming to see him and keeping him in his familiar routine and surroundings. If you have POA Dad can't (validly) sign over any monies to sibling although if that's the agenda and it is pursued it could really upset Dad and sibling may even produce something 'signed' by Dad at a later date in an effort to claim some extra inheritance.
I know ignoring it is the tempting option - and you could wait until you get another request - if you do - just say you didn't get the first message.... and then I would just give a brisk reply as above, "No, it isn't okay anymore". And I wouldn't give away my suspicions at this stage, wait and see what response you get after the No. If you accuse too soon there'll just be a lot of denials and outrage and you'll end up being the bad guy.
Good luck.
PS Just wanted to add my sympathies to you Jaygun, getting my Mum to appointments was a nightmare and my heart used to sink every time one plopped through the letter box 'be here, be there at this time for that long' and I'd always think 'but it's just not that simple!'
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Thank you Essie. It really isn't is it? I could hardly sleep last night because I was already mentally girding my loins for the battle to come. It is easier when my husband can take the day off and drive his mum there, because she's usually more amenable to that, but he only gets 28 days a year so he can't attend every appointment with her - more's the pity. I even drafted my daughter in to help coax today - but to no avail. I think I'm probably not firm enough.
I used to rope OH in as well! It made it so much easier as the final straw for me was always having to find a parking space on top of all the other stress - so much easier with him driving - no parking spaces - no problem Mum and I could still get out and go to appointment.
It's hard being firm though isn't it, it's like being strict with your child you do it because it's the right thing and then this sad little face looks up at you and your heart aches - just the same feeling when it's your Mum/Mil looking at you all sad cos you're insisting they have to go somewhere, do something.
It's hard being firm though isn't it, it's like being strict with your child you do it because it's the right thing and then this sad little face looks up at you and your heart aches - just the same feeling when it's your Mum/Mil looking at you all sad cos you're insisting they have to go somewhere, do something.
Your sibling definitely sounds like he has an agenda. He is also not sparing a thought for your father's wellbeing, or indeed yours. It would be too unsettling for your father to go abroad on holiday or even on holiday within the UK, not only because of the nature of dementia, but with a son he only sees four times a year for short visits and who has no understanding of the care involved. Let alone what your brother is trying to achieve, which could be to get him to agree to something untoward. If your brother really wants to spend time with your Dad, he knows where you both are and can make a date to visit or, at a stretch, take your father out for the day/weekend. I would change the locks on the house if he thinks he can come in when you're out, by the way, and I would also 'lose' your Dad's passport too and get a letter from the Dr to confirm your Dad could not travel out of the country anyway. My sisters spent less than once a year visiting my Mum and left me to everything, yet 6 weeks after she went into a CH they emailed me jointly to say I needed to 'act in her best interests, rent the house out and manage her possessions'. It was too soon for me to comprehend the sadness of my Mum's situation, come to terms with all the stresses and depression it had left me with, let alone the sheer sense of entitlement that seemed to come out of the woodwork from them. I feel very strongly about this sort of thing. You look after yourself and your Dad and, if you can, speak to your sibling asap to explain a visit would be best to start - you are doing one of the most difficult jobs in the world with integrity and care - and your sibling should be the one hiding under his duvet in shame! They don't seem to have a conscience though these siblings do they.......................just pound signs before their eyes.
