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Please may I have some advice regarding difficult sibling.

Discussion in 'I care for a person with dementia' started by Adcat, Jun 17, 2015.

  1. Adcat

    Adcat Registered User

    Jun 15, 2014
    289
    London
    I will try and be brief, my eldest sibling sent me a random message wanting to know if it would be okay to take our dad abroad on holiday with his family. This sibling has never gone away with dad even when he was well so quite how he will cope now that he has mixed dementia is beyond me. This sibling has only ever been exposed to dad for a couple of hours or less every three months or so. He doesn't see the incontinence, the nocturnal wandering or just the routine stuff that anyone caring for anyone with dementia deals with on a daily basis. To the best of my knowledge he would have no understanding of communicating well with him and keeping him content and anxiety free. Dad has a clear cut routine and a good support network. Even I wouldn't take him away now as it would be too disruptive to him and far to stressful for me.

    I would suggest that I have a very poor relationship with this sibling who has accused me of all sorts of horrible things including siphoning off dads money. Our parents, for whatever reason did not discuss their business with my siblings, appointed me as POA and told me to keep their business confidential. I am very good at keeping a confidence.
    When our dads state of cognitive decline started to become obvious my siblings started to ask questions regarding wills and finances. I gave them a stock answer that our parents affairs were in order and I had POA. This did not go down well. A year ago, almost to date, Eldest sibling told me via email that I would not receive any assistance with our dad unless I disclosed our parents financial affairs which I refused to do. Eldest sibling stated that dad promised him money bla bla bla. I live with Dad and am his next of kin and main carer. I am spending dads money on his carers and adapting his home to make it safe and accommodate his needs. I can without doubt justify any expenditure I have made.

    I want to hide under a my duvet because I don't want a confrontation.

    Any advice greatly appreciated x
     
  2. LYN T

    LYN T Registered User

    Aug 30, 2012
    6,962
    Brixham Devon
    A difficult problem:( Perhaps you could get a letter from your Dad's GP or SW stating it would be unwise for your Dad to travel? You could then show it to your sibling. I do think you have made the right decision; routine appears to be the way to keep Dementia sufferers on an even keel as much as possible.

    Take care

    Lyn T XX
     
  3. nellbelles

    nellbelles Volunteer Host

    Nov 6, 2008
    8,466
    leicester
    I think a very honest (well, almost) answer is it would be very difficult and expensive to arrange travel insurance.

    No need to hide under the duvet, you are doing a great job!
     
  4. daisydi

    daisydi Registered User

    Feb 25, 2015
    255
    Norfolk
    I know its easy for me to say but I think I would have to tell him that there is no way your day could go abroad, or even a holiday in this country because he is just not well enough. Back this up with a letter from the GP if you can but I personally would not even attempt to take my mother out for more than a few hours, let alone a holiday, and I have been her main carer. It makes me shudder at the thought. How can he possibly think he can take care of your dad. It's ridiculous!
     
  5. opaline

    opaline Registered User

    Nov 13, 2014
    182
    I would just tell him to bolt!! xx
     
  6. Beate

    Beate Registered User

    May 21, 2014
    11,746
    Female
    London
    I would probably just ignore. Quite clearly the sibling is only trying to stir, and I doubt a serious wish to spend a foreign holiday with dad.
     
  7. sistermillicent

    sistermillicent Registered User

    Jan 30, 2009
    2,949
    I would view this as highly suspicious and maybe there is a view to getting information from your dad at his most vulnerable. Stand your ground, if you find confrontation hard to do for yourself look on it as standing up for your dad's wellbeing. I agree with the others that a trip abroad could harm your dad and be deeply stressful for him.
     
  8. AnoviceinN1

    AnoviceinN1 Registered User

    Feb 27, 2014
    55
    An opportunity?

    Hmmm, I think that I see an opportunity here. How would it be if you suggested that your brother comes and stays with your father in your house (not his) for a weekend (while you go for a nice weekend away :D) as a sort of trial run "to make sure he is comfortable looking after your father for at least a few days". Unless you don't like or trust your brother enough to let him stay in your house?
    Your brother would probably have a rapid rethink afterwards, which would solve the problem. If, on the other house, they get on brilliantly, perhaps another small step could be to let your dad go and stay at your brother's for a long weekend or even a week. But it sounds that even that would be a step too far. No way would I say it's a good idea for your father to go on holiday from a cold start, as it were, especially not if this were to be a holiday outside the UK or more than 3 hours' drive away.
     
  9. Bod

    Bod Registered User

    Aug 30, 2013
    1,182
    That's the way to go!
    Let your sibling try first. They'll soon spread the word around the family, you'll
    be inundated with requests to help!
    Introduce the family to this web-site, they will either be educated, or frightened off.

    Bod
     
  10. Adcat

    Adcat Registered User

    Jun 15, 2014
    289
    London
    Thank you so much for your idea. I do have grave concerns about this sibling being in the house. A year ago he freely admitted in quite a horrid email to me that he came to the house, deliberately when no-one was in to 'have a look around for any files and paperwork pertaining to Dad's health and finances'. I felt utterly violated and astounded at the lack of respect for dad and subsequently I don't have any trust or faith in his motives. I would love to find a positive outcome but history keeps reminding me that it's unlikely.
     
  11. cragmaid

    cragmaid Registered User

    Oct 18, 2010
    7,942
    North East England
    It strikes me that it is time for a burst of TP imagination. How about.....
    You need to have the central heating flushed, a new carpet fitted, an ingrowing toenail sorting and this would be great time to see if Bro can have Dad at his house for the weekend so that you can have the suite cleaned and Bro can see how he can manage Dad's needs? That way Bro will know what attention Dad will need on holiday, once the insurance problems are sorted and medical cover arranged. :eek::eek::eek::rolleyes::rolleyes::rolleyes:;):D:D
     
  12. Onlyme

    Onlyme Registered User

    Apr 5, 2010
    4,995
    UK
    #12 Onlyme, Jun 18, 2015
    Last edited: Jun 18, 2015
    I wouldn't trust this sibling at all. I would be worried Dad was being brainwashed to get the LPA changed. I would also invest in somewhere secure to put documents or place in a bank. Do you think Dad would not be returned until you gave out the financial information?

    On a lighter note I would send a list of all the medical requirements needed for Dad's trip.
     
  13. jenniferpa

    jenniferpa Volunteer Moderator

    Jun 27, 2006
    39,438
    I had assumed the LPA had been registered. Perhaps Adcat can clarify this?
     
  14. Lawson58

    Lawson58 Registered User

    I think your sibling needs to take Dad away for a weekend, not in your house or his but in a nice little hotel by the seaside or somewhere nice.

    I think you are doing a wonderful job but you don't need all the extra stress that you are getting. I think he would change his mind after cleaning up after your Dad but I also wonder why he suddenly wants to take him on holiday.
     
  15. starryuk

    starryuk Registered User

    Nov 8, 2012
    1,300
    He is hoping his dad will pay for them??
     
  16. Adcat

    Adcat Registered User

    Jun 15, 2014
    289
    London
    Yes, it's all registered. My parents very wisely sorted out financial and health and welfare POAs.
     
  17. Adcat

    Adcat Registered User

    Jun 15, 2014
    289
    London
    Thank you. I must say its all a bit random and I feel rather bewildered.
     
  18. Adcat

    Adcat Registered User

    Jun 15, 2014
    289
    London
    No idea. I'm still trying to get my head around it. No doubt there will be some sort of agenda.
     
  19. JayGun

    JayGun Registered User

    Jun 24, 2013
    291
    I think the very idea of taking dad away on a foreign holiday with the family shows them to be utterly clueless about his situation and his needs.

    My MIL would spend the holiday in a state of terror and agitation and constant incontinence, trying to attack anybody who came near her. In a car she has to have someone sat with her otherwise she keeps poking and grabbing the driver, once memorably putting her hands over his eyes entirely. She doesn't keep her seatbelt on and keeps trying to get out. I can't imagine her on a plane. Well actually I can. She'd have accidents of both types and stink the place out then rampage through the plane, be aggressive and end up being restrained or tasered or something.

    I have tried and failed to get her to go to Falls Clinic today because it's a new place so she's extra agitated about it, plus it's a long appointment (2 hrs) requiring a couple of bus rides (another 2 hrs) and it disrupts her telly watching meal and nap routine.

    I'm going on - but anyway my point is this little two hour appointment is tough enough, I wouldn't even consider taking her away on holiday for her own sake. What on earth are you going to do? Taking dad on holiday sounds like a kindness but it would be a cruel torture for him. Do they really mean it? Or are they trying to get papers. for his passport or something? Or call your bluff in some way?
     
  20. Adcat

    Adcat Registered User

    Jun 15, 2014
    289
    London
    Hi JayGun,
    All sorts of scenarios and emotions are rattling around my head, and tummy. Have no idea but suspect there is an agenda. So far I have ignored the message but no doubt it will come again. Thanks so much for your reply
     

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