Phone Calls!

[exejez]

Dad (90) was diagnosed with Alzheimers 18 months ago. He has 24 care now in his home, but I am getting constant phone calls and they are getting more abusive and aggressive. He keeps asking how to get home , but he is ringing me from his home phone! He also does not believe that the house he is in (and has lived in for the past45 years) is his home. He is thinking that he lives somewhere that he left 60 years ago, and that he owns his parents house. His parents died over 55 years ago.
Dad rings me over and over. 21 calls yesterday. I have been with him all morning, but I live an hour and a half away from him and he does not believe I ever go there (even though I do as regularly as I can). On average I get between 10 and 20 calls a day and I have stopped answering most of them now as it is only ever to rant at me.
Social Services are doing a Mental Capacity Assessment on Friday and will hopefully help me decide on a cate plan with dad's best interest at heart. My brother emigrated to Australia 15 years ago, and mum died of cancer 10 years ago, so dad has lived alone for the last 10 years. It is sad to see how much dad has rapidly declined in the last couple of months , and how nasty some of his comments to me are now.

Anyone got any tips on how to deal with the phone calls - I just don't even want to talk to him any more and I dread the phone ringing. It is causing me problems at work and at home. I just want to scream !!!!

 

[Kaths]

I really feel for you, my Mum goes through similar episodes but thankfully they pass. Please know that his nasty comments most likely come from fear. I've arranged ornaments and family photos where she can see them and I usually say to her look around, do you see your things around you in your home. Before her eyesight got worse I used to leave little cards or notes about when I'd been, just a nice to see you on Tuesday morning type things. She has a fidget blanket that's good for relieving anxiety as they give the person something to focus on. When she could see to she would sit doing a jigsaw puzzle, again to occupy her mind.
This is just my experience, it might not be of any help to you. Don't feel bad not answering the phone sometimes, you clearly care as you're trying to sort a care plan, it can be really tough being a carer and hopefully social services will help you to find a balance between caring for your Dad and caring for yourself.

 

[canary]

Im afraid that there is not a lot you can do about the multiple phone calls apart from not answering, turning your phone off or blocking his number.

The phone calls are coming from fear and anxiety. The desire to "go home" is almost universal in the later stages of dementia, buts its not about bricks and mortar - what he wants is to go back to a time and place pre-dementia where he can escape the confusion of dementia. My mum wanted to "go home" to her childhood home (which was bombed in the war) which she thought had her parents and siblings (all long dead) in it waiting for her - truly a mission impossible. The danger is that he might go outside and walk off, looking for "home" (just like my mum did), or become very aggressive (and possibly violent) if he is stopped. How is the live-in carer coping with this?

 

[exejez]

Thank you for your replies it's a real comfort. The carers are struggling a bit to keep dad at home. When he decides he wants to go home, and goes out the carer follows, but dad tells members of the public that someone is following him. He has also rung the police a few times to say that 'there is someone in my house' i.e. the carer and also to ask the police to take him home. Before the carers came in he was found wandering and confused a few times. The police brought him home, which is why I know have 24 care in place.
With the calls, I am having to block them to a degree, but I then get the carer and the neighbours calling me. I don't live locally to him so there is not a great deal I can do though. I used to be able to calm him down and reassure him, but now he just thinks I am being unreasonable if I don't agree with him, or I am talking rubbish when I tell him he has lived in his current house for over 45 years. Trouble is, I have not lived at home where he is in over 40 years, and I need to maintain his care, with my sanity, my job and my personal relationship - which as you are probably all aware is a real balancing act and is really stressful.
Thank you all!!

 

[Grannie G]

Hello @exejez

There will come a time when it will be considered your dad is at risk and then it will be time for residential care.

Even if there were no carers in his home he would still be asking to go home. It`s part and parcel of dementia. With carers coming and going it`s not surprising he feels confused and frustrated and you are his only constant.

The minute your dad puts the phone down he will have forgotten he`d phoned you. I had this with my mother. It`s so hard to know what to do for the best. If you don`t answer, you could miss a crisis, and if you do answer the stress is unmanageable.

Hopefully Social Services will be able to offer some form of support. My mother attended day care Monday - Friday and it gave her the company she lacked in the care of people who understood her needs.

 

[LouiseW]

hI
If I don't want to I don't answer the phone because sometimes I get 6 calls in an evening from my Dad.

I think my recod for phonecall mayhem was 26 calls from 9 different people in 12 hours, I was trying to have a day off and was in London and this was exhausting. I no longer answer the phone if I don't want to take a Dad related call anymore and my mental health has improved greatly making me better able to handle to slings and arrows of caring for someone with dementia.

Good luck

 

[Kaths]

This maybe controversial but my Mum takes a low dose, 10mg, of Citalopram, it's an anti-depressant but it helps reduce agitation in people with dementia. I'm really not a pill popping kind of person at all, and I'll say now it's not a miracle cure but in my opinion it's helped my Mum a lot. She still get agitated, anxious, confused, upset, scared, she still has emotions, but they're not as overwhelming, they take the edge off.

Caring is a balancing act for sure.

 

[T1000]

So sorry you are dealing with this. If he has alot of care at home, could they not perhaps carefully hide the phone to reduce his access or would that make it worse? If he can continue to get hold of it he will no doubt call you. Or they could accidentally not charge it and then reassure him they will charge it now sort of thing. May reduce the calls.

@Kaths I agree with you, my mum is still in the early stages but suffers with alot of anxiety now, so I can only imagine this will get worse and that her anti depression dose may need to increase in due course.

 

[Kaths]

So sorry you are dealing with this. If he has alot of care at home, could they not perhaps carefully hide the phone to reduce his access or would that make it worse? If he can continue to get hold of it he will no doubt call you. Or they could accidentally not charge it and then reassure him they will charge it now sort of thing. May reduce the calls.

@Kaths I agree with you, my mum is still in the early stages but suffers with alot of anxiety now, so I can only imagine this will get worse and that her anti depression dose may need to increase in due course.

Thanks for that, I sometimes think it's a bit of a cop out and feel bad for her having them but she's so much better with than without.

 

[Sarasa]

Hi @exejez, if your dad has 24 hour care you know that he is relatively safe so ignore as many calls as you can. I'd talk to the carers about ways to try and distract him so he doesn't keep phoning you.
However I do wonder if it is now time to consider a care home.

 

[Violet Jane]

I agree with @Sarasa. However, I think that it will be difficult for the carers to distract your dad and that trying to do so might cause a lot of conflict between them and your dad. I'm afraid that if that happens it won't be long before the carers will say that they can no longer cope with your dad and give notice to end the care package. As far as I can tell, live-in carers will not generally put up with challenging behaviour as they are working on their own and are living with their clients.

 

[canary]

Thank you for your replies it's a real comfort. The carers are struggling a bit to keep dad at home. When he decides he wants to go home, and goes out the carer follows, but dad tells members of the public that someone is following him. He has also rung the police a few times to say that 'there is someone in my house' i.e. the carer and also to ask the police to take him home. Before the carers came in he was found wandering and confused a few times. The police brought him home, which is why I know have 24 care in place.

Once they stop recognising their own home, think their real home is somewhere else and keep trying to find their real home, it is a gamechanger. It is incredibly difficult to manage at home and it sounds like the live-in carer is struggling. I think it likely that the carer is allowing the phone calls as this is the only way they can manage him.

Now that he no longer recognises his own home what advantage is there in him remaining at home as opposed to being in a care home where there are more staff and they are more used to this behaviour?

 

[exejez]

Hi All, the phone calls from my dad have eased off a bit, since I started answering them less (as he does have 24 carers in place at home). Unfortunately he has started ringing 999 and calling the police instead. He tells them that he has squatters in his house (it is his carer), that someone has stolen his car (he does not have one), how do I get home? (he is is ringing from his home), can you take me to xxxx (where he grew up), I don't know where I am etc
The police then ring me . However, I don't know what I am supposed to do any more. The police are very good to be fair, but if dad has full time carers and is still getting agitated and confused I am not sure what to do next. Social services are supposed to be visiting him again tomorrow, with the manager of the care providers .

 

[canary]

Hi @exejez
It honestly sounds to me like your dad now needs a care home.
His dementia is too much for one person (even if theres a rota, so someone is there 24/7) and he now needs a team of people around at the same time, to look after him. It sounds like the care providers feel they cannot meet his needs now, either.

 

[imthedaughter]

Ah no @exejez this is it I think. If 24/7 care at home can't keep him safe at home, he isn't settled in his own place and stop him doing disruptive things like calling the police it's time for residential care. Social services will hopefully recommend and help you find a suitable place.
By the way, this 'bit' is the hardest on you. Take care of yourself as well

 

[Violet Jane]

I agree that it's now time for a care home as 24-hour care at home is not working out. I hope that Social Services will agree that this is the way forward.

 

[Jayne1962]

Dad (90) was diagnosed with Alzheimers 18 months ago. He has 24 care now in his home, but I am getting constant phone calls and they are getting more abusive and aggressive. He keeps asking how to get home , but he is ringing me from his home phone! He also does not believe that the house he is in (and has lived in for the past45 years) is his home. He is thinking that he lives somewhere that he left 60 years ago, and that he owns his parents house. His parents died over 55 years ago.
Dad rings me over and over. 21 calls yesterday. I have been with him all morning, but I live an hour and a half away from him and he does not believe I ever go there (even though I do as regularly as I can). On average I get between 10 and 20 calls a day and I have stopped answering most of them now as it is only ever to rant at me.
Social Services are doing a Mental Capacity Assessment on Friday and will hopefully help me decide on a cate plan with dad's best interest at heart. My brother emigrated to Australia 15 years ago, and mum died of cancer 10 years ago, so dad has lived alone for the last 10 years. It is sad to see how much dad has rapidly declined in the last couple of months , and how nasty some of his comments to me are now.

Anyone got any tips on how to deal with the phone calls - I just don't even want to talk to him any more and I dread the phone ringing. It is causing me problems at work and at home. I just want to scream !!!!

My dad did the same at all times day and night ,he always apologised for doing it and made me feel guilty saying he had no one to turn to.we fitted a camera to watch his actions and sounds and made sure he was ok so if he phoned we could see all was ok and didn’t answer the calls