Pete's long goodbye is over
- Thread starter LYN T
- Start date
Lyn I'm so sorry I don't come on here much and haven't been for a few weeks and I was so shocked to read this I'm sending my condolences to you and your family. Take care of yourself and I know what you mean about alone time. xx
Thank you everyone for your kind wishes.
The Coroners office called yesterday to let me know that they were releasing Pete to the undertaker. However, they can't issue a death certificate yet as they don't know the cause of death. When pressed I was told there would be a little bit of lung tissue taken as it was possibly aspiration pneumonia. It takes 6 days under a slide rule for the tissue to indicate if that's the cause. All of this makes me feel very low because, as I previously posted, it was me who fed Pete just before he started to choke.
The Coroners office called yesterday to let me know that they were releasing Pete to the undertaker. However, they can't issue a death certificate yet as they don't know the cause of death. When pressed I was told there would be a little bit of lung tissue taken as it was possibly aspiration pneumonia. It takes 6 days under a slide rule for the tissue to indicate if that's the cause. All of this makes me feel very low because, as I previously posted, it was me who fed Pete just before he started to choke.
Oh Lyn, please don't blame yourself for this. You did a magnificent job of caring for Pete.
What would have been the alternative to feeding him? Leaving him probably hungry or dehydrated? You wouldn't do that. Also, surely, even if he did have aspiration pneumonia, he wouldn't have developed it within moments of you starting to feed him.
Lyn, you are a magnificent carer and an example to us all. You are bound to feel low at this time, but please don't blame yourself for what has happened.
Sending you love and hugs
Lindy xx
What would have been the alternative to feeding him? Leaving him probably hungry or dehydrated? You wouldn't do that. Also, surely, even if he did have aspiration pneumonia, he wouldn't have developed it within moments of you starting to feed him.
Lyn, you are a magnificent carer and an example to us all. You are bound to feel low at this time, but please don't blame yourself for what has happened.
Sending you love and hugs
Lindy xx
Lyn, if it's any help at all, aspiration pneumonia plus severe vascular dementia is what was written on Dave's death certificate.
It probably has nothing at all with the feeding you were doing at the time but something that had set up a pneumonia well before this.
It is tragic that a PM was considered necessary in view of how ill Pete was and his numerous chest infections.
Dave's death wasn't expected at the time he died, despite his recent chest infection, and no PM was mentioned.
Please stop tormenting yourself.
You gave nothing but the very best of yourself to Pete.
Nobody could have done or cared more.
loads of empathy at this so very upsetting time. love xxx
It probably has nothing at all with the feeding you were doing at the time but something that had set up a pneumonia well before this.
It is tragic that a PM was considered necessary in view of how ill Pete was and his numerous chest infections.
Dave's death wasn't expected at the time he died, despite his recent chest infection, and no PM was mentioned.
Please stop tormenting yourself.
You gave nothing but the very best of yourself to Pete.
Nobody could have done or cared more.
loads of empathy at this so very upsetting time. love xxx
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I think aspiration pneumonia is a very common cause of death in elderly people, dementia related or not. As lindy50 says, it wouldn't have developed immediately like that so please don't start doubting yourself. You have cared for him lovingly and with great patience and have absolutely no reason at all to reproach yourself. Big hugs. Verityxx
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Lyn my Mum died from aspiration pneumonia, it is not a sudden thing but caused by the gradual inability to swallow properly. It's something that happens to the very sick as well as the elderlly and you are in no way to blame it was just a tragic coincidence that you were feeding him at that moment. Don't let the 'What If's' take the upper hand, try to dwell more on the happier times you had. Huge hug. x
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Dear Lyn, I'm so very sorry to hear this (had a hectic week and only just found out). Like so many others I have followed the journey you and Pete have been on in the last few months and been in total awe of your ability to share facts and feelings about what you were involved in while, at the same time and on a daily basis, you were providing such help, information and support to so many others, me included.
I've just read through the thread and it's a great testament to way you are viewed on TP - because of your massive contribution - that so many have responded in such a heartfelt way.
I hope that the extraordinary strength you have displayed throughout will somehow help you through the coming days and that you will carry the love of your life in your heart forever.
I've just read through the thread and it's a great testament to way you are viewed on TP - because of your massive contribution - that so many have responded in such a heartfelt way.
I hope that the extraordinary strength you have displayed throughout will somehow help you through the coming days and that you will carry the love of your life in your heart forever.
Not logged in for a few days so only just read your sad news. I'm so very sorry Lyn. Wishing you peace and strength for the difficult time ahead. I would like to echo the sentiments in Stanley's lovely post as well xxx
Thank you my TP friends
Saffie-when Pete's GP arrived after Pete's passing, she said there had to be a PM because he was under a DOLS. There are so many people on DOLS now the Coroners will be inundated.
I hope your days are as ok as possible.
Love
Lyn T XX
My huge love and admiration to you as always Lyn. May I share with you my understanding that when we are ready to pass from this physical world into the World of Light, there is that moment when all the physical struggle can be over and we are able to let go. When we go through the Veil, it has been said. Some find it hard to know when that moment comes and cling on to life, not being able to find the way through. You - only you - were there. You showed Pete the way, Lyn. You were there to help him find his moment to move forward. He is not gone, just a few steps further along the road. Hold fast to that. Everything you did was absolutely as it should have been. Be at peace. Your lovely husband is walking slowly ahead, and when your time comes, he will fall in by your side, just as he has always done. You are surrounded by his love, now and always. X
Now I understand the difference Lyn, so thank you. You've eliminated the slight question mark about Dave that had arisen.
I still think that it heaps added grief on to someone already suffering but can see that it might be unavoidable to have to satisfy legal requirements.
I'm left wondering what it ultimately resolves though apart from confirmation of the diagnosis when someone is obviously so very ill. This is what it has done for Pete of course so I hope you are no longer tormenting yourself with the "What ifs".
Please believe in yourself and your unstinting care and love for Pete.
empathy and love xxx
I'm trying very hard to not blame myself Saffie. It helps that other TP'ers have posted that aspiration pneumonia isn't an instant thing and it takes a while to develop.
In Pete's case I always thought the DOLS was a bit strange as he never asked, or tried, to leave the CH even when he was able to talk or walk. When it was actually issued he was unable to communicate and even though he could stand he couldn't walk. Just legal stuff I suppose.
One more question. Is there anyone who hasn't seen their loved one in the chapel of rest? I don't know if I want to see Pete in there. I'm worried that I will get flashbacks to his last moments.
Shelagh and Stanley thank you for your lovely words; I have no religion but I have to believe that one day we will meet again. Love can't die that quickly can it? It can't all be for nothing?
Thank you so much everyone. I wish I could reply to you all. I feel wrapped in your arms.
Love,
Lyn T
Dear Lyn
When I lost my father, many years ago, it was very traumatic, he died in Intensive Care. I didn't want to see him because of what had gone before, but my sister did. Not wanting her to go alone, I said I would go too. I had never seen him, in all his life look as peaceful as he was then and am always thankful that I went. It wasn't in the Chapel of rest though.
Brave lady, you will make the right choice, don't let fear dictate what you feel is your instinct to do or not.
love
Suexxx
When I lost my father, many years ago, it was very traumatic, he died in Intensive Care. I didn't want to see him because of what had gone before, but my sister did. Not wanting her to go alone, I said I would go too. I had never seen him, in all his life look as peaceful as he was then and am always thankful that I went. It wasn't in the Chapel of rest though.
Brave lady, you will make the right choice, don't let fear dictate what you feel is your instinct to do or not.
love
Suexxx
Lyn, if you would rather not see Pete in the Chapel of Rest, then don't.
I posted at the time I went that it wasn't Dave there. I thought I'd feel a connection but he just wasn't there.
I remarked on this to the lady in the office and, as I mentioned on Helen's thread after Tom died, she said that she thought it was like a Christmas present with only the wrapping paper left. The essence was no longer there.
I don't regret going but it isn't what I see in my mind when I think of Dave as it wasn't him.
Go with your feelings Lyn. There are no 'must do's' in all this.
My daughters didn't visit Dave there, it was their choice.
They had said their goodbyes when awaiting my arrival at the nursing home.
So had I but I thought I needed more.
Just let yourself be, and do, what you feel you can and want to. love xxx
I posted at the time I went that it wasn't Dave there. I thought I'd feel a connection but he just wasn't there.
I remarked on this to the lady in the office and, as I mentioned on Helen's thread after Tom died, she said that she thought it was like a Christmas present with only the wrapping paper left. The essence was no longer there.
I don't regret going but it isn't what I see in my mind when I think of Dave as it wasn't him.
Go with your feelings Lyn. There are no 'must do's' in all this.
My daughters didn't visit Dave there, it was their choice.
They had said their goodbyes when awaiting my arrival at the nursing home.
So had I but I thought I needed more.
Just let yourself be, and do, what you feel you can and want to. love xxx
