Personality vs Dementia?
- Thread starter jay6
- Start date
Learnt that a long time ago canary. Although when my OH says I'm mental or something has been wrong with me for years. I do tend to think he must be right now. No one in their right mind would put up with abuse so long
I think you really do need to consider what your life will look like as your husband’s condition deteriorates. At the moment there might be periods where you can get away but it won’t always be like this and before long you’ll be a prisoner in your own home. You deserve a life too and more importantly a happy one. As others have said I’d seek legal advice. It’s possible to divorce a PWD or at least have a judicial
separation. Even if you could only buy a small property of your own afterwards at least you’d be free. Caring for a PWD can be a long haul and no one can be forced to do this. Social services have a duty of care and would have to step in if you weren’t around.
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You are totally right Firecatcher. We don't know how much we have left ourselves, so should maybe start putting ourselves first, especially if we care for a PWD who doesn't appreciate what we do.
I did call social a few days ago and told them I am no longer willing to be carer and am leaving but they wasn't at all interested. They said as long as he can was, dress and get himself something to eat, he is on his own unless he want s to get himself help. He is self supporting so doesn't need socials help.
They did speak to OH and he assured them he was managing on his own which is obviously a lie. So social aren't interested in visiting him.
I tried to talk to Oh today but because of dementia its so much harder. All I got was 'Stop gobbing off' when I asked why he needed to be so rude, it was my fault because I was going on. So that just about says it all.
I think I need to see a solicitor.
I’d definitely see a solicitor as at least it will give you an idea of your options. I think it would help to do this sooner rather than later. Once your husband is in a position of being totally dependant on you it will be much more difficult to leave. In my opinion social services won’t intervene until there’s a crisis but I suspect this would happen quite quickly if he was on his own and it would be concerned neighbours alerting them.
You dont actually have to do anything legal. I think that if you phoned up SS and told them you had reached carer breakdown and couldnt bear to be in the house, so you were leaving for a few days - and then did so, there would very quickly be a crisis. At this point SS would step in.
I know because thats what happened to me,
I know because thats what happened to me,
The SW from the SOAHMS team had a word with my husband. My husband had told me that he didn't see why I needed a break since I don't do anything!! However he tends not to show his most obnoxious side to others so he did agree , the SW and the care home were expecting the worst but he actually enjoyed it!! Do you have anyone else who could talk to you OH ?I tried your suggestions, nice rest, meet lovely new people away from a moaning wife etc. all I got was 'well if its that good why don't you go, I'll stay here'
Maybe you are luckier in the area you live, I tried this but didn't work as ss spoke to him and he said he was managing fine. They didn't bother to come out to check.
What's the SOAHMS team? My ss don't seem to think he needs a sw even though he's had a stroke which left him partly paralyzed.
They just made the decision by talking to him on the phone. Even though my G.P. has referred us on more than more occasion, because I've struggled with him. When I called them the other day, he wasn't even on their records.
It doesnt sound like there was a crisis with him then - they will only respond to a crisis.
And if there was no crisis, it sounds like he was actually OK to leave for a few days. So you could do it again.
There wouldnt be anything different if you divorced him and left.
It's the Specialist Older Adult Mental Health team? My husband was being very verbally aggressive and abusive, physically intimidating and had been violent. I reached a point where I was not coping and I contacted Adult Social Services who put me in touch with my doctor who referred me to the SOAHMS team. They have been amazing. The SW visited with a psychiatrist and they both assessed that my OH no longer has capacity. He has been prescribed anti psychotic medication which has been a game changer. But it has been a fight to get to this stage. A year ago my husband threw me on the floor, rammed a door into my back, the SW at that time just told me to leave him, as did the doctor. Financially that would have been very difficult but if I could have afforded to I would have left. The problem has been that my OH is verbally fluent and has been able to present very well and it was a miracle that this latest SW was able to see through this, took the time to ask the right questions and was able to understand the situation.
A couple of years ago ,my husband had his yearly blood tests, and I mentioned to the gp that his memory was getting bad, so a mental health nurse came to the house and gave him the usual memory tests, whch my husband didn't do very well. the nurse made an appointment with a specialist and she sent him for an mri scan, this all happened in a matter of weeks, the result was Alzheimers. This was a shock because although his memory was getting bad he seemed ok every other way, anyway he was started on Donepezil for 2 weeks to see if he was ok with them he's been taking them ever since with no bad effects. I can tell his memory is worse, but he can still read , make a cuppa wash dishes, but I have to make sure he takes his pills, and make appointments for him. he doesn't take phone calls or go to the doctor or nurse by himself because he wouldn't remember what they told him. one thing I have noticed is that he has a very sweet tooth now...something he never had before. don't know if that means anything Where we live there are plenty of mental health nurses that carry out the memory tests, and the sooner the better, if pills can slow down Alzheimers for a time .
If he falls he can't get back up due to partly paralyzed from stroke. So no he isn't ok to be left long.
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No. Had a six week trial for one but he wouldn't put it on. Just like his hearing aid, stayed on small table next to his chair, and that was after he'd had a fall and fractured his neck.
He is just one of those men who think they know best.
I think the problem you have got @jay6 is that neither your husband, nor SS believe that you would leave him, even for a few days holiday.
When he broke his neck (pre dementia) I'll bet that you felt really guilty and I suspect that you have not been away from him ever since. As the fall was pre dementia he would have had capacity and that means that SS wouldnt have been interested in him. Even though coming back to an empty house was a bad idea, he still agreed to it and people who have capacity are allowed to make "unwise choices" and thats why SS would not have checked up on him.
Now, of course he has dementia, but all the while you are there, plugging all the gaps and keeping him safe, SS will not be interested. You have said you wont be his carer, have threatened to go away on holiday and leave him, said that you have reached carer breakdown and talked about divorce. But you are still there and I think that your husband and SS think that it is a bluff - an empty threat, so when your husband refuses anything that will help you (as most people with dementia do) they think it is safe to ignore you.
When he broke his neck (pre dementia) I'll bet that you felt really guilty and I suspect that you have not been away from him ever since. As the fall was pre dementia he would have had capacity and that means that SS wouldnt have been interested in him. Even though coming back to an empty house was a bad idea, he still agreed to it and people who have capacity are allowed to make "unwise choices" and thats why SS would not have checked up on him.
Now, of course he has dementia, but all the while you are there, plugging all the gaps and keeping him safe, SS will not be interested. You have said you wont be his carer, have threatened to go away on holiday and leave him, said that you have reached carer breakdown and talked about divorce. But you are still there and I think that your husband and SS think that it is a bluff - an empty threat, so when your husband refuses anything that will help you (as most people with dementia do) they think it is safe to ignore you.
You are probably right. The last few days have been ok, I'm learning to just ignor him rather than fight back. Keep telling myself what a waste of time and energy it is.
I think it's helped a great deal being on here, knowing I'm not alone.
Before he had dementia he had the choice of being nasty and believe me he did that well if things didn't go his way, Now its dementia so part of him, nothing I can do about it. So am 'switching off' and letting him get on with it. Seems to be working quite well at moment.
He spends most of the day on the sofa, watching TV or doing a word search but the last few days he has spent most of the time asleep. I did comment on him being asleep but he started getting angry with 'I didn't sleep well....' So I just ignored him rather than try talking and went to make a cup of tea. Worked well, he just shut up and looked like he'd gone back to sleep when I went back into room.
I find with my sister that many of her old personality traits are also typical dementia traits. In addition, the more I do for her, the more she wants me to do for her, so I have to check myself and stop doing the things I know she can still do. There have been times for example when she's 'seemed' not to know how to switch the tv on, open the door, get herself a drink from the fridge - so I have done it for her. Day later when I had to pop out, I've come back in and there she is having been able to do all these things. It's not a case of remembering one day but not another, it's the fact that she's always loved and wanted to be looked after and waited on. Her double incontinence is also worse because she's wearing nappies and so doesn't feel she has to make an effort to get to the bathroom. Half of the time she could get to it in time. The fact that I'm the one having to clean her and all this up doesn't matter to her.
