patience with my husband
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Hi @songwriter ,
I am in no position to give you advice because I frequently lose it. Frequently means every day, many times a day.
My husband is stubborn, argumentative, selfish. Is it a consequence of his illness? I do not know. He is not different from what he was like when he didn't have dementia, which prevents me from being " compassionate" .
I am sure you are doing whatever you can to be a good carer, so , please, do not feel guilty or inadequate.
It is not your husband's guilt , that's true, but neither is yours.
I think ( my personal opinion) that the only way to be more patient is spending less time with my husband.
Easier said than done, because I am " under house arrest" , being his only carer, and he won't accept any paid help, even though he can afford it.
We are stuck at that middle stage of dementia when it is impossible to make him reason ( which was hard also when he was not ill), but , at the same time, it is impossible for me to make decisions on the basis of what he needs, not what he wants.
It may sound paradoxical and heartless, but I think things will be better when they get worse. So...I can only hope for the worse.
I am in no position to give you advice because I frequently lose it. Frequently means every day, many times a day.
My husband is stubborn, argumentative, selfish. Is it a consequence of his illness? I do not know. He is not different from what he was like when he didn't have dementia, which prevents me from being " compassionate" .
I am sure you are doing whatever you can to be a good carer, so , please, do not feel guilty or inadequate.
It is not your husband's guilt , that's true, but neither is yours.
I think ( my personal opinion) that the only way to be more patient is spending less time with my husband.
Easier said than done, because I am " under house arrest" , being his only carer, and he won't accept any paid help, even though he can afford it.
We are stuck at that middle stage of dementia when it is impossible to make him reason ( which was hard also when he was not ill), but , at the same time, it is impossible for me to make decisions on the basis of what he needs, not what he wants.
It may sound paradoxical and heartless, but I think things will be better when they get worse. So...I can only hope for the worse.
Welcome to DTP @songwriter
Non of us are saints on here and we've all lost our cool from time to time. When I could feel my blood start to boil I'd leave the room and go and do a war dance somewhere I couldn't be seen and yell (or hiss) every rude word that came into my head. That way dad didn't get shouted at...
Non of us are saints on here and we've all lost our cool from time to time. When I could feel my blood start to boil I'd leave the room and go and do a war dance somewhere I couldn't be seen and yell (or hiss) every rude word that came into my head. That way dad didn't get shouted at...
Welcome to DTP @songwriter
You may find this helpful https://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/threads/compassionate-communication-with-the-memory-impaired.30801/
You may find this helpful https://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/threads/compassionate-communication-with-the-memory-impaired.30801/
Very difficult.My dad is in the middle stages and sounds very similar to Margherita’s PWD.
If you haven’t got carers in maybe a good time to start looking.
What about day care?
I find it difficult with dad as he is arguementative.Always has been.
I walk away from it and go into another room .Or try and distract (doesn’t always work).
But I don’t live with him so I’m not always in the firing line.
I have tried compassionate communication but it doesn’t work on dad.But that isn’t to say it might not work on your PWD.
In my experience you are quite right. I used to have a lot of anger and it made me feel quite ill at times but as he has got worse and worse, he is sleeping or dozing in his bed most of the time and I am more calm. The other side of the coin is that I have to be more hands on with all aspects of his bodily function, although not incontinent, and he won’t eat even the most delicious (to me) foods. This distresses me a lot even though the doctor and the dietician say that I must do my best. Thinking of you in your terrible dilemma.
I am very patient with my OH but only because I had 20yrs practice with my mum. I just learnt to let it all go over my head. I treated the 7th call in 30 minutes like it was the first.
I remember telling my OH it was our 24th wedding anniversary and he said no, we only got married yesterday. I showed him our marriage license and he said 'Well it's wrong!' I realised then that nothing would persuade him differently so now just go with the flow. My normal response is 'Oh I didn't know that'. Then go off and do something else. It's very hard though.
I remember telling my OH it was our 24th wedding anniversary and he said no, we only got married yesterday. I showed him our marriage license and he said 'Well it's wrong!' I realised then that nothing would persuade him differently so now just go with the flow. My normal response is 'Oh I didn't know that'. Then go off and do something else. It's very hard though.
When my husband became unreasonable and argumentative I never reasoned with him, that was something I learned very early. Reasoning fuelled the fire and was wasted energy on my part, so I just said I’m sorry you feel that way’ and left the room. He had heard me say sorry so there was some sympathy and hopefully it lowered the frustration he was experiencing. I would swear and make rude gestures from the other side of the door. Made me feel better and makes me smile to this day. Then I’d breeze back into the room offering tea and biscuits and most times things had cooled down and been forgotten by my husband.
Of course it didn’t work every time, just to win one battle a day was a triumph.
Of course it didn’t work every time, just to win one battle a day was a triumph.
I feel the same with my mum I feel so sorry for her but I flip between frustration and guilt as I can't help lose my patience with her.
I wish there was a medicine we could take that gave us patience and stopped the guilt too. I hope you find a way to cope.X
So far I havent. Mum is so adamant that what she thinks is true and can get so aggressive about it. Distraction doesn't work, going along with what she believes rarely works for long either as she jumbles up multiple things at once and if you go along with one thing she gets annoyed because that makes other things not right. I can rarely leave the room and get away as she will follow me or just shout through to me until I come back and she carries on.
Mum and I used to argue at times as I got older but she remembers me when I was young and agreed and did whatever she said so I often get told 'Our Andrea would never shout at me or talk to me like that'.
When we did argue previously mum always had to be right and even though I would argue back and often prove I was right or if neither of us was right she would never agree with me or agree to disagree.
If she couldn't prove she was right she would sulk and not talk to me. I used to always try to talk to her if she was with me or if at home I'd ring her to make peace even though she would often ignore me until she decided she was ready to let it go and I'd suffered enough.
I find it hard to forget those old feelings when mum is arguing now and think its her Alzheimers not her personality making her so adamant shes right when its totally impossible for her to be right. Even when I manage not to react and keep my patience she often still takes offence.
As she is confused most of the time now we end up getting in to arguments a lot. I've been staying at her house to look after her for the past 10 weeks and before that visited her a lot of the time so I feel like an inmate in her prison. Which I feel guilty for thinking too.
Best of luck with finding a way to cope, guilt is a bug*** and should bug*** off x
I wish there was a medicine we could take that gave us patience and stopped the guilt too. I hope you find a way to cope.X
So far I havent. Mum is so adamant that what she thinks is true and can get so aggressive about it. Distraction doesn't work, going along with what she believes rarely works for long either as she jumbles up multiple things at once and if you go along with one thing she gets annoyed because that makes other things not right. I can rarely leave the room and get away as she will follow me or just shout through to me until I come back and she carries on.
Mum and I used to argue at times as I got older but she remembers me when I was young and agreed and did whatever she said so I often get told 'Our Andrea would never shout at me or talk to me like that'.
When we did argue previously mum always had to be right and even though I would argue back and often prove I was right or if neither of us was right she would never agree with me or agree to disagree.
If she couldn't prove she was right she would sulk and not talk to me. I used to always try to talk to her if she was with me or if at home I'd ring her to make peace even though she would often ignore me until she decided she was ready to let it go and I'd suffered enough.
I find it hard to forget those old feelings when mum is arguing now and think its her Alzheimers not her personality making her so adamant shes right when its totally impossible for her to be right. Even when I manage not to react and keep my patience she often still takes offence.
As she is confused most of the time now we end up getting in to arguments a lot. I've been staying at her house to look after her for the past 10 weeks and before that visited her a lot of the time so I feel like an inmate in her prison. Which I feel guilty for thinking too.
Best of luck with finding a way to cope, guilt is a bug*** and should bug*** off x
I' m looking forward to when I will be able to hire a live- in carer. That doesn't mean I will no longer take care of husband, but I will have back a bit of freedom and me time.
Here in Italy live-in carers do not cost the unreasonable amount of money they cost in the UK.. 2,000€ a month is enough, included food and "taxes " ( I do not know the English word).
One day at a time. Currently I am looking forward to the miracle which will give me patience.
Less than a miracle is not enough.
