Parents Not Settling in Care Home - Have I Done The Right Thing?

Discussion in 'I care for a person with dementia' started by Bessieb, Aug 12, 2015.

  1. Bessieb

    Bessieb Registered User

    Jun 2, 2014
    I'm new to the forum but feel I could do with any advice anyone can give me. My parents - 85 and 82 - both have Alzheimers. They've been diagnosed about 2 years and have been living 120 miles away from me in the family home with support from carers. As they have deteriorated we have increased the levels of support gradually but a couple of months ago my Dad was ill with a UTI, was admitted to hospital and everything went haywire. He couldn't cope being away from my Mum and became hugely disoriented and aggressive. My Mum, at home and not very mobile, couldn't be persuaded to eat and couldn't remember where my Dad was so became very upset. Anyway to cut a long story short after 3 weeks - and when my Dad was clinically ready to leave hospital - I took the decision to put them into respite care near me to try and get everything back on an even keel with a view to this becoming a longer term arrangement.
    The care home I chose is lovely and they have their own suite there and I really thought after being their a few weeks - with me visiting nearly every day - they would settle. It really is lovely and my Mum has settled brillianty but my Dad hasn't and six weeks down the line he is still phoning me most evenings demanding to know when he is going home. He doesn't really seem to know where home is - talks about houses they lived in 20 years ago. He also doesn't seem to appreciate that my Mum can't cope physically with the house they have been living in (she can't manage the stairs) and is happier where they are. But he's quite forceful and he's wearing me down.
    How long does it take typically for Alzheimers sufferers to settle into new environments? I'm desparate for him to calm down and settle ....I can't see how they can cope in their own home but I'm starting to waiver and consider a home arrangement as his agitation doesn't seem to be getting better
    Is there anything that anyone has had success with settling someone who has struggled to settle? The home are fairly relaxed about it and seem to think it's improving but can't seem to suggest anything else I can do to help.
    Any advice would be hugely appreciated.
  2. marionq

    marionq Registered User

    Apr 24, 2013
    To be honest I think he needs medication to calm him down so you would need to talk to his GP or more likely his psychiatrist. My husband takes Trazodone which suits him very well but I speak to others who are on things like Respiridone. It would be a shame to dislodge your Mum from a place where she's happy.
  3. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    South coast
    What is your dad like when you are not there? Quite often they are settled and happy, but seeing a relative will trigger the same questions and obsessions. If he is settled when you are not there then you could try not visiting for a few days to try and break the cycle.
    Also, I must say that if he is no longer sure where his home is then he could well be like this even when he is sitting in his own house. Home is frequently not the last place they have lived. Why go to a lot of trouble and make things worse for your mum when it could well not improve things for your dad?
  4. Patricia Alice

    Patricia Alice Registered User

    Mar 2, 2015
    Hi Bess and welcome,

    It is very common to want to go 'home' my mum says it constantly but she is referring to a home she lived in when she was in her early 30's (she is 90).

    My mum is not settling and I don't think she ever will, but she is very well looked after.

    You need to ask the staff what he is like when you are not there.

    If it's a nice place then please persevere. I could not go back to looking after mum again, even though some days when she keeps asking I wished I could, but I have to be realistic and realise I am in denial as to how much care she needs now.

    Hopefully your dad will settle soon
  5. Bod

    Bod Registered User

    Aug 30, 2013
    It took over 3 months for my father to settle, he wanted to go "home" packed all his things in little parcels ready to go.
    He'd been doing this for months, before going into care.
    The staff (who had seen this many times before) said he will settle, just give him time, whilst undoing his parcels, and putting them away, for the umpteenth time!

    If your mother is settled, your father will, he just needs more time.

  6. LYN T

    LYN T Registered User

    Aug 30, 2012
    Brixham Devon
    Please don't waiver Bessieb. Perhaps write a list of the reasons why they should be in a CH? I suspect it will be quite long! My Husband 'wanted to go home' but that was before he went into a CH. It's probably nothing to do with where your Dad is at the moment. Give it more time. Well done on finding a CH with such understanding Carers. Your Parents are safe there-they wouldn't be if left to their own devices:(


    Lyn T XX
  7. Bessieb

    Bessieb Registered User

    Jun 2, 2014
    Thank you all. It's very reassuring that others have been through this sort of thing and come out the other side.
    I know logically that a care setting is the right place for them to be but it's hard when I can't get my Dad to understand this. To be honest I think I need to stop trying to reason with him and move onto distraction techniques! We are having some good days - like today - went to visit them and they were both completely content. I need to focus on these and remember these when the phone rings with my Dad ranting.
    Care home is very understanding and the staff are really lovely.
    I think I'm still struggling with the guilt of the situation - and I know many of us are having to go through that.

    Thanks again....some wonderful advice on this forum .


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