Hello, not quite sure where to start. I guess I'm needing to talk to someone who knows something of what I'm talking about. Please forgive me as I ramble a bit, I know I will as my head is swimming with so many thoughts and emotions. I'm so tired, exhausted really. I don't sleep much. It's been a tough year for so many of us and my heart goes out to all of you who are distraught over what's happening right now.
Both my parents are in a care home. Mum went in last December after being diagnosed with dementia at the hospital. So much has happened during the last few years and it's like a nightmare.
A few years ago, mum had breast cancer. I am fully convinced the hospital made a mistake as they removed a whole breast and not a small piece. Mum was distraught. She went privately for reconstruction. Then Dad had a stroke. They were living abroad and Mum had called me and said dad was behaving silly. I spoke to him and knew what had happened. I managed to get a flight within a few hours and was there by nightfall. I had arranged for a friend to go to mum and call an ambulance. Mum was in shock when I arrived. In the morning, she knocked on my door and asked where dad was. When I said he was in hospital, she was surprised and said why hadn't I told her.
That was when I realised what I had suspected over the last year, but I put it down to shock.
I stayed and nursed dad back to health for some months. Eventually I came back home but during the next two years I was back and forth as he had more mini strokes and a few minor heart attacks.
Last year, their friend rang me and said dad was not right and I should come over.
I was shocked when I arrived. Dad was grey, pottering around the kitchen, he came out to greet me but was dithery. It was obvious he had gone through more mini strokes. Mum was pleased to see me but seemed strange. Her memory had been getting worse but she refused to see anyone and dad didn't want to make her. She couldn't remember how to crochet the squares we always made, saying she had never done them before. She couldn't do the crosswords we so loved doing together. And she seemed suspicious. I noticed her watching me as if I were guilty of something. It was very weird. One evening, I made our dinner and gave mum hers first. We were sitting in front of the tv as they usually did. I went to the kitchen to get mine and dads plates. Mum had already eaten hers and she stared at me. Looking to dad she said I hadn't made her any dinner. She was annoyed with me and sarcastically said, oh well, I will get nice and slim then. And off she went to her room.
One night, dad got up about 1am to feed the cat... I heard a heavy thud and rushed out. He had fallen and we later found out he had cracked his hip. He had to spend his time in a wheelchair while the pain eased.
It got worse over the next few weeks. Dad just shrugged his shoulders. Mum seemed to be seeing someone else in the room too. She was also convince the cleaner was moving things around. She said the ladies, although there was only one cleaner, were bringing clothes and putting them in her wardrobe. She was indignant because she didn't want their clothes. she would also roam the house at night and bang around in the kitchen at 2 o'clock in the morning. I began to lock my bedroom door when I went to bed. She thought it was me or the cleaner who had moved things and she got very irritated. She also thought I was 'the other woman'.
She started to become aggressive, snapping at me. I found I could sense when her mood was changing. We could be having a chat and suddenly her eyes would change and she would challenge me on some point. Then she would get angry and storm off. It was very draining. A few times she was so aggressive towards me I would quietly excuse myself for the afternoon and keep to my room. One day she came and asked what she had done wrong, that Dad had told her she had upset me. She was very upset and cried because she loved me and didn't want to upset me. I couldn't console her and she rushed away.
She would come and knock on the door for me to answer but there were times I pretended to be asleep. Dad was upset. One time, I was in my room and she started banging on the door, she tried to open it, then she went outside and banged on the outside. I must admit to being a little scared. Eventually, she came to the door, very subdued and asked me to come out and talk to her. When I went into the lounge, she was visibly upset. "Dad said you are my daughter. Is that true, are you my daughter?" I nodded. She began to cry. "But I don't know you. I thought you were a friend...I don't recognise you." She sat with me and sobbed her heart out, saying I would have to put her in a home... It didn't improve, there were other instances, even to her holding my dad on the bed, accusing him of wanting to put her in prison. He was very shaken.
By the end of my two month stay, I was an emotional wreck. My sister came over for a week. By the end of that week she was not in a good place. We encouraged dad to go back with her just to recuperate, just while his hip healed. He agreed to a week. We knew he wouldn't be going back.
So, they went to my sisters house for three weeks. Then she had a Halloween party and it all kicked off.
She was frightened of all the monsters etc and was hiding in a room. My sister walked in wearing her outfit and mum freaked out. They rang me and I told them to bring her to me. An hour later she was with me, crying and confused. I managed to calm her and put her to bed.
The following morning, she didn't know why she was with me but thought my house looked just like her old one. That was her remembering times she had been before. She began to ask where her husband was, why he wasn't with her. Dad stayed with my sister. Mum became more agitated. She stayed three weeks, during which time I had the dementia crises team to visit. They diagnosed dementia and gave her some tablets to help her sleep. Three days later, she freaked out. Thinking we were kidnappers, intent on 'doing her damage', she became another person. She thought she was a young girl, a teenager maybe. We tried to show her photos but she didn't recognise them as her.
Suddenly, she jumped from her chair, grabbed a glass vase and tried to hit me over the head. My son grabbed her by the waist as she screamed. She clawed him and kicked him so I said we needed to get her to the ground so she wouldn't hurt herself or us. The screams were terrifying. Talking did nothing as she thought we were attacking her and she was trying to escape. My son had to restrain her. We called the police and had them take her to hospital, where we met up with them. By that time, mum had calmed down and threw her arms around me. She was so pleased to see me. She thought burglars had come into her house and attacked her. For about an hour, she was normal, then she flipped again and hid from us with the nurses. we had to leave her and go home.
She was in hospital for three weeks. They never treated her for delusions, but for adverse reaction to the drugs. They diagnosed dementia.
My sister and dad booked her into a care home at Christmas 2019.
He went every day to be with her but each time he went home to my sisters house, she thought 'the other woman' was taking him home with her. She raged. She also thought the female staff were his girlfriends and was physically aggressive to them.
Dad moved in when lockdown began, so she wouldn't be alone. From April, he was hospitalised six times. He had three falls, 8 staples in his head and both hips operated on. Each stay was 2 weeks, followed by 2 weeks quarantine. The last one was the last time he saw mum. That was four months ago.
I think the staff found it easier for them to be apart...
Dad is fading. His memory is going. His strokes mean he has bleeds which will continue until the last one.
Mum thinks she's been abandoned in prison. She is very upset when I zoom call, begging me to come and rescue her. I have had two half hour visits in the garden and a half hour visit behind a Perspex screen. She cannot cope with the screen. When she first saw me, she rushed to hug me and hit the screen. She looks grey, her skin is flaking and dry. Her eyes are puffy and sad. She says she had a house, furniture, clothes, but they have all been taken from her, that she has nothing, she is in a prison, not allowed to go outside, to go shopping. She is not allowed to see me or hug me.... She says she is not a bad person, that she wouldn't hurt anyone, and can't understand why she is locked in a prison, or why her family don't visit her or want her anymore.
For thirty years, mum and dad lived abroad. For the last fifteen, they have lived an isolated life in the countryside, atop a small hill. Mum lost the use of her car and resented being so alone. It wore her down. I can't help but wonder if that didn't cause her condition.
I keep thinking she has been wrongly diagnosed. It feels like I have abandoned her like she says. I want desperately to help her, to make her happy.
These unlawful lockdowns have ben wickedly cruel on so many people. To be denied contact with family, is so very wrong. So many are dying from broken hearts, from loneliness. We can't go and check on them, or find out how they are being treated. We can't go and hug them and comfort them.
I am at a loss to know what to do. I have rambled on as I knew I would. Thank you for allowing me this time, this space to pour out my heart. I love my parents and I miss them terribly, as do so many others.
I am so sad for all of you who are suffering x
Both my parents are in a care home. Mum went in last December after being diagnosed with dementia at the hospital. So much has happened during the last few years and it's like a nightmare.
A few years ago, mum had breast cancer. I am fully convinced the hospital made a mistake as they removed a whole breast and not a small piece. Mum was distraught. She went privately for reconstruction. Then Dad had a stroke. They were living abroad and Mum had called me and said dad was behaving silly. I spoke to him and knew what had happened. I managed to get a flight within a few hours and was there by nightfall. I had arranged for a friend to go to mum and call an ambulance. Mum was in shock when I arrived. In the morning, she knocked on my door and asked where dad was. When I said he was in hospital, she was surprised and said why hadn't I told her.
That was when I realised what I had suspected over the last year, but I put it down to shock.
I stayed and nursed dad back to health for some months. Eventually I came back home but during the next two years I was back and forth as he had more mini strokes and a few minor heart attacks.
Last year, their friend rang me and said dad was not right and I should come over.
I was shocked when I arrived. Dad was grey, pottering around the kitchen, he came out to greet me but was dithery. It was obvious he had gone through more mini strokes. Mum was pleased to see me but seemed strange. Her memory had been getting worse but she refused to see anyone and dad didn't want to make her. She couldn't remember how to crochet the squares we always made, saying she had never done them before. She couldn't do the crosswords we so loved doing together. And she seemed suspicious. I noticed her watching me as if I were guilty of something. It was very weird. One evening, I made our dinner and gave mum hers first. We were sitting in front of the tv as they usually did. I went to the kitchen to get mine and dads plates. Mum had already eaten hers and she stared at me. Looking to dad she said I hadn't made her any dinner. She was annoyed with me and sarcastically said, oh well, I will get nice and slim then. And off she went to her room.
One night, dad got up about 1am to feed the cat... I heard a heavy thud and rushed out. He had fallen and we later found out he had cracked his hip. He had to spend his time in a wheelchair while the pain eased.
It got worse over the next few weeks. Dad just shrugged his shoulders. Mum seemed to be seeing someone else in the room too. She was also convince the cleaner was moving things around. She said the ladies, although there was only one cleaner, were bringing clothes and putting them in her wardrobe. She was indignant because she didn't want their clothes. she would also roam the house at night and bang around in the kitchen at 2 o'clock in the morning. I began to lock my bedroom door when I went to bed. She thought it was me or the cleaner who had moved things and she got very irritated. She also thought I was 'the other woman'.
She started to become aggressive, snapping at me. I found I could sense when her mood was changing. We could be having a chat and suddenly her eyes would change and she would challenge me on some point. Then she would get angry and storm off. It was very draining. A few times she was so aggressive towards me I would quietly excuse myself for the afternoon and keep to my room. One day she came and asked what she had done wrong, that Dad had told her she had upset me. She was very upset and cried because she loved me and didn't want to upset me. I couldn't console her and she rushed away.
She would come and knock on the door for me to answer but there were times I pretended to be asleep. Dad was upset. One time, I was in my room and she started banging on the door, she tried to open it, then she went outside and banged on the outside. I must admit to being a little scared. Eventually, she came to the door, very subdued and asked me to come out and talk to her. When I went into the lounge, she was visibly upset. "Dad said you are my daughter. Is that true, are you my daughter?" I nodded. She began to cry. "But I don't know you. I thought you were a friend...I don't recognise you." She sat with me and sobbed her heart out, saying I would have to put her in a home... It didn't improve, there were other instances, even to her holding my dad on the bed, accusing him of wanting to put her in prison. He was very shaken.
By the end of my two month stay, I was an emotional wreck. My sister came over for a week. By the end of that week she was not in a good place. We encouraged dad to go back with her just to recuperate, just while his hip healed. He agreed to a week. We knew he wouldn't be going back.
So, they went to my sisters house for three weeks. Then she had a Halloween party and it all kicked off.
She was frightened of all the monsters etc and was hiding in a room. My sister walked in wearing her outfit and mum freaked out. They rang me and I told them to bring her to me. An hour later she was with me, crying and confused. I managed to calm her and put her to bed.
The following morning, she didn't know why she was with me but thought my house looked just like her old one. That was her remembering times she had been before. She began to ask where her husband was, why he wasn't with her. Dad stayed with my sister. Mum became more agitated. She stayed three weeks, during which time I had the dementia crises team to visit. They diagnosed dementia and gave her some tablets to help her sleep. Three days later, she freaked out. Thinking we were kidnappers, intent on 'doing her damage', she became another person. She thought she was a young girl, a teenager maybe. We tried to show her photos but she didn't recognise them as her.
Suddenly, she jumped from her chair, grabbed a glass vase and tried to hit me over the head. My son grabbed her by the waist as she screamed. She clawed him and kicked him so I said we needed to get her to the ground so she wouldn't hurt herself or us. The screams were terrifying. Talking did nothing as she thought we were attacking her and she was trying to escape. My son had to restrain her. We called the police and had them take her to hospital, where we met up with them. By that time, mum had calmed down and threw her arms around me. She was so pleased to see me. She thought burglars had come into her house and attacked her. For about an hour, she was normal, then she flipped again and hid from us with the nurses. we had to leave her and go home.
She was in hospital for three weeks. They never treated her for delusions, but for adverse reaction to the drugs. They diagnosed dementia.
My sister and dad booked her into a care home at Christmas 2019.
He went every day to be with her but each time he went home to my sisters house, she thought 'the other woman' was taking him home with her. She raged. She also thought the female staff were his girlfriends and was physically aggressive to them.
Dad moved in when lockdown began, so she wouldn't be alone. From April, he was hospitalised six times. He had three falls, 8 staples in his head and both hips operated on. Each stay was 2 weeks, followed by 2 weeks quarantine. The last one was the last time he saw mum. That was four months ago.
I think the staff found it easier for them to be apart...
Dad is fading. His memory is going. His strokes mean he has bleeds which will continue until the last one.
Mum thinks she's been abandoned in prison. She is very upset when I zoom call, begging me to come and rescue her. I have had two half hour visits in the garden and a half hour visit behind a Perspex screen. She cannot cope with the screen. When she first saw me, she rushed to hug me and hit the screen. She looks grey, her skin is flaking and dry. Her eyes are puffy and sad. She says she had a house, furniture, clothes, but they have all been taken from her, that she has nothing, she is in a prison, not allowed to go outside, to go shopping. She is not allowed to see me or hug me.... She says she is not a bad person, that she wouldn't hurt anyone, and can't understand why she is locked in a prison, or why her family don't visit her or want her anymore.
For thirty years, mum and dad lived abroad. For the last fifteen, they have lived an isolated life in the countryside, atop a small hill. Mum lost the use of her car and resented being so alone. It wore her down. I can't help but wonder if that didn't cause her condition.
I keep thinking she has been wrongly diagnosed. It feels like I have abandoned her like she says. I want desperately to help her, to make her happy.
These unlawful lockdowns have ben wickedly cruel on so many people. To be denied contact with family, is so very wrong. So many are dying from broken hearts, from loneliness. We can't go and check on them, or find out how they are being treated. We can't go and hug them and comfort them.
I am at a loss to know what to do. I have rambled on as I knew I would. Thank you for allowing me this time, this space to pour out my heart. I love my parents and I miss them terribly, as do so many others.
I am so sad for all of you who are suffering x
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