Our Mum

[Debbiesfamily]

Our Mum is showing signs of vascular dementia. Until recently we as a family looked after her at home along with careers who came in 6 times a day.
Mum was taken into a care home when she started refusing help from the careers, she also became unsafe. As a family we just couldn't cope.

Every day we visit but Mum is just weeping all the time. It's heartbreaking to see.
Mum thinks there's nothing wrong with her. Mum was in bed for 8 months prior to going into care. Mum couldn't and wouldn't get up from her bed. Now she is up and dressed every day. Mum wouldn't bathe or shower at home, now she is clean.

As a family we are so upset to see Mum so unhappy and thinks that we don't love her or want her home. Explaining why she can't be at home leads to her getting even more upset. We don't know what to say for the best.

 

[Grannie G]

Hello @Debbiesfamily

I put the blame on the doctor when my husband went into residential care. I told him it was a convalescent home and the doctor said he needed to build up his strength.

Can you think of anything your mother might accept, even if its bending the truth.

 

[LadyA]

I did the same as @Grannie G . "The doctor says not until you are stronger." It is heartbreaking to see our loved ones upset. I wonder if your mum would settle better or sooner, if the family scaled back on the daily visits for a while? Every day when you visit, it's reminding her that she is not at home. Also, talk to the staff at the Home, and ask how she is when you are not around. My husband used to be so terribly upset when I was leaving in the first few weeks in his nursing home. But when I talked to the staff, they were astonished! They said that he was well settled, and was fine when I wasn't there. So they watched him, and it turned out that as soon as I was out of his line of sight, he was fine. He went off quite happily. It was just the thing of seeing me leaving without him.

 

[canary]

I agree with Grannie G - thats what I told mum too.
There is no point in trying to explain the reality - she will never be able to understand and it will just upset her more.

You havent said how long she has been in the care home, but I get the impression that its not long. It can take someone with dementia several weeks/months to settle, so dont worry about it too much at the moment. Try and keep your visits short and sweet. People with dementia will often mirror the emotions of the person they are with, so try and be upbeat with her when you visit.

 

[GrandadsHelper]

I’ve also put the blame on others as a pacifier for my grandad, I told him the police and social services said we had to fit door sensors so I know when he goes wandering. This seemed to help as he thought someone in authority had made it happen rather than family