One year on since losing dad.

[garfield3]

Dear good people,
Hope you‘re managing to walk your own path on the next part of this journey. I’m after your wisdom. If possible.
I haven’t really been about, but pop in to have a read From time to time. It’s been 1 year now since dad died. I’m sorting out engraving and my Uncle’s ashes are now in the family plot and need to get another stone or marker for him. When I go and visit and take flowers, I feel nothing. No tears, apart from dad’s birthday and when I put my Uncle’s ashes into the grave. Is that normal? We’re in the process of sorting the house out to sell next Spring. There’s so many ghosts at home, when we go shopping and pass the nursing home, go to the next town and drive past the funeral directors where I visited dad 3 times before the burial. How do others manage? I’m angry at the world and feel flat. Can’t deal with stress, these days. I feel I should be further along in recovery, though. know I’m difficult to live with, poor hubby.

Thanks in advance.

xx

 

[Clarrisa]

So sorry for your loss. My dad passed away 2 years ago and I just let the grief surface and rode along with it, Some days I felt tearful, others very flat and down and sometimes okay. Every day is different and there is no timing for any of this and everyone’s grief is different too. As my mum was recently diagnosed with this horrible disease, I have gone from grieving for my dad (and I still am) and now anticipatory grief for my mum. Perhaps you are in the grieving process and started to grieve before your dad passed away and what you’re feeling now is part of that process. Sometimes it might help to speak to a bereavement counsellor or an Admiral Nurse to make sense of how you‘re feeling. I know what you mean about the ghosts in the house and the reminders near you, but you have the good memories too which in time will give you strength and comfort. Sorry for the ramble.

 

[garfield3]

So sorry for your loss. My dad passed away 2 years ago and I just let the grief surface and rode along with it, Some days I felt tearful, others very flat and down and sometimes okay. Every day is different and there is no timing for any of this and everyone’s grief is different too. As my mum was recently diagnosed with this horrible disease, I have gone from grieving for my dad (and I still am) and now anticipatory grief for my mum. Perhaps you are in the grieving process and started to grieve before your dad passed away and what you’re feeling now is part of that process. Sometimes it might help to speak to a bereavement counsellor or an Admiral Nurse to make sense of how you‘re feeling. I know what you mean about the ghosts in the house and the reminders near you, but you have the good memories too which in time will give you strength and comfort. Sorry for the ramble.

So sorry to hear about your mum and your dad.

Thanks so much for your reply. Mum died 2019 in the same nursing home as dad. I had 12 years to come to terms with mum having Alzheimer’s. My Uncle died 2019 too , before mum, Bad year. Because of work I saw dad only 4 times a year and wasn’t close distance wise. Phoned twice a week, though. Dad left home 10 months before he died- 5 months in hospital then moved to nursing home. Diagnosed with vascular dementia.
i came over for a week when dad first went to hospital in Nov, then we came for Xmas and we were here for his 90th. Husband came over in Feb trying to sort out nursing homes. I was back over at Easter. Dad had urosepsis in June and hospitalised and when spoke to Dr on phone probably wasn’t going to make it. Gave up job and we moved permanently home into house beginning of July 2022. Since I was his only family.
I spent a lot of time with him in the final month, we were called out a few times in the night to get to the home. On his last day I was with him and intended to spend 24/ 7 with him. Was with him at the end. I was lucky to be there. As I know, not everyone can/ wants to be.

Sorry for the rabble, it got away from me. 😔x

 

[Lawson58]

I think the tears will come eventually, just sometimes it takes a while for us to get there. When you have things to do associated with a loss, such as sorting out a house, organising headstones, it tends to take the place of grieving. It seems to take the place of grief for a time as if giving you the space to come to terms with the loss and allowing you to recover from all the business of travelling, and relocating which in itself can be pretty harrowing.

I also think when a person is very elderly, we have actually been preparing ourselves for their loss for a long time, a natural passing of a generation perhaps making it somewhat different to when a younger person dies. My guess is that it will sneak up on you one day, probably when you are remembering the relationship you had with your dad.

 

[canary]

I feel I should be further along in recovery

Some one on here here used to say "dont 'should' yourself" - and they were right
Grieving takes far longer than people around think. There seems to be this general perception that after a few months months we will be over it and have 'moved on'. Well, it simply isnt true. Give yourself time and space to allow yourself to grieve in whatever way helps you and dont worry about what you 'should' be doing.

 

[garfield3]

I think the tears will come eventually, just sometimes it takes a while for us to get there. When you have things to do associated with a loss, such as sorting out a house, organising headstones, it tends to take the place of grieving. It seems to take the place of grief for a time as if giving you the space to come to terms with the loss and allowing you to recover from all the business of travelling, and relocating which in itself can be pretty harrowing.

I also think when a person is very elderly, we have actually been preparing ourselves for their loss for a long time, a natural passing of a generation perhaps making it somewhat different to when a younger person dies. My guess is that it will sneak up on you one day, probably when you are remembering the relationship you had with your dad.

Thanks for your reply. It makes sense what you said. If someone asked me I’d give the same advice. When you’re doing it for yourself it’s not so easy listening to your own advice.

 

[garfield3]

Some one on here here used to say "dont 'should' yourself" - and they were right
Grieving takes far longer than people around think. There seems to be this general perception that after a few months months we will be over it and have 'moved on'. Well, it simply isnt true. Give yourself time and space to allow yourself to grieve in whatever way helps you and dont worry about what you 'should' be doing.

Thanks for your reply. I shouldn’t be in a hurry, to recover.

 

[TNJJ]

Dad died November last year. I feel tearful sometimes. I'm still sorting out the bungalow which I'm putting up for sale. I cannot wait to sell it. It feels never ending. But overall I feel relief. Everybody is different and it all takes time.

 

[garfield3]

Dad died November last year. I feel tearful sometimes. I'm still sorting out the bungalow which I'm putting up for sale. I cannot wait to sell it. It feels never ending. But overall I feel relief. Everybody is different and it all takes time.

Thanks for replying. We’re planning/ hoping to put the house up for sale in the spring. The sorting is never ending it seems, like you say. We will both get there.

 

[Jenny11]

Dear good people,
Hope you‘re managing to walk your own path on the next part of this journey. I’m after your wisdom. If possible.
I haven’t really been about, but pop in to have a read From time to time. It’s been 1 year now since dad died. I’m sorting out engraving and my Uncle’s ashes are now in the family plot and need to get another stone or marker for him. When I go and visit and take flowers, I feel nothing. No tears, apart from dad’s birthday and when I put my Uncle’s ashes into the grave. Is that normal? We’re in the process of sorting the house out to sell next Spring. There’s so many ghosts at home, when we go shopping and pass the nursing home, go to the next town and drive past the funeral directors where I visited dad 3 times before the burial. How do others manage? I’m angry at the world and feel flat. Can’t deal with stress, these days. I feel I should be further along in recovery, though. know I’m difficult to live with, poor hubby.

Thanks in advance.

xx

My mum has only been gone a month, so I can't say how I'm going to feel but I've just bought a remembrance rose for the nursing home. I'm going to put a few of mum's ashes under it too. I've arranged with the home to plant it under the window of her room. There's a little hexagonal bed with nothing in it there.

Only a suggestion but maybe you can look at doing the same for your family, some sort of small memorial? At least that way, you'll have something else to remember at the home rather than just the sad bits when you pass it? I know I'll be popping in from time to time to see how the rose is doing.

Being angry is a normal part of the grieving process I believe. So, go with it & let it out. The one thing I'm angry about is the nurse assessor for my mum's CHC funding. She was adamant my mum wasn't "end of life enough" to put her on fast track funding - even though the framework states there should be no limit put on it. My mum didn't even make it to the MDT meeting. What angers me is that the nurse hasn't even rung to apologise or offer her sympathies. They don't care. At some point I may ring her & tell her she's disappointed me as I can't carry that around with me forever & at least if I voice it, I'll be able to move on x

Contacting an Admiral nurse sounds really good advice. We're here of course if you need to talk too. Much love & ((((((((hugs)))))))).

 

[SkyeD]

Hi @Jenny11 , I really love your idea of a remembrance rose for the care home and I think I'm going to "borrow" your idea and do the same. My dad (not PWD) died exactly a year ago and my mum (PWD) died in June, two days before my dad's birthday and three days before mine. I miss them both - I feel sad at times but try overcome this by remembering all of the lovely times we had together over the years. Most of our sorting is done, thankfully. Probate has been applied for and my parents' house is on the market. I still have care home fees to settle. I don't think that I'll have proper closure until everything's done and dusted, well I'm hoping that's the case anyway.

Sending hugs x

 

[Jenny11]

Hi @Jenny11 , I really love your idea of a remembrance rose for the care home and I think I'm going to "borrow" your idea and do the same. My dad (not PWD) died exactly a year ago and my mum (PWD) died in June, two days before my dad's birthday and three days before mine. I miss them both - I feel sad at times but try overcome this by remembering all of the lovely times we had together over the years. Most of our sorting is done, thankfully. Probate has been applied for and my parents' house is on the market. I still have care home fees to settle. I don't think that I'll have proper closure until everything's done and dusted, well I'm hoping that's the case anyway.

Sending hugs x

It's really hard to have any sort of closure while you're still dealing with the estate I think. I'm waiting on an invoice from the council. I'm waiting on information from the pension people. I'm waiting on information from the DWP. It just goes on and on.

I bought a white rose as pink & white were my mum's colours in the garden & what I had for her funeral.