OH wants to go abroad

[Long journey ahead]

My husband is transfixed on going abroad because of all the holiday adverts on tv. He has rung travel agents for options. I am trying to explain to him that he isnt safe to travel that far. He has korsakoff syndrome.
he was in hospital a couple of weeks ago suffering extreme dehydration and malnutrition. He is so weak and hasn't left the house in months.
he is now very angry at me.
his do I tell him kindly?

 

[Shedrech]

Hi ,@Long journey ahead
I wouldn't tell him ...

Instead I suggest you get involved with looking at maps, brochures, books, any videos of places you consider (surely there will be some on YouTube) and your own holiday snaps ... keep coming up with different suggestions and dates, mention you'll have to check edical precautions because of COVID, say someone suggestion somewhere is best in autumn or winter, discover that a place you've almost decided on has been booked up (he can overhear a pretend conversation you have) .... In other words go along with all the research but find excuses if you get too close to actually making a booking

You know that any hopes for a holiday will come to nothing and can take steps to make sure no actual bookings are made ... your husband can enjoy the planning with no harm done

 

[Bunpoots]

Hi @Long journey ahead

I was going to suggest the same as Shedrech - but she beat me to it!

 

[Duggies-girl]

My husband is transfixed on going abroad because of all the holiday adverts on tv. He has rung travel agents for options. I am trying to explain to him that he isnt safe to travel that far. He has korsakoff syndrome.
he was in hospital a couple of weeks ago suffering extreme dehydration and malnutrition. He is so weak and hasn't left the house in months.
he is now very angry at me.
his do I tell him kindly?

You don't, you make excuses, anything you can think of. Just agree with him that it is a good idea but you can't book yet because 'you have a hospital appointment coming up' 'All the catteries are booked up' if you have a cat. Any excuse you can think of. 'Airports closed due to bad weather' 'he needs to renew his passport' or you need to renew yours. Just keep on his side and you will sort it all out as soon as you possibly can. It might quell the anger. No amount of telling him kindly why he can't go will work.

Sorry but that's all I can think of.

 

[Pork Pie lady]

How about suggesting that as he hasn't been too well you wouldn't be able to get insurance right now or that it will be more enjoyable when he has had some time to get a bit stronger.

I like Shedrechs idea of looking at brochures etc, he will think you are taking him seriously. I he is thinking of particular places could you find some bad reviews of the country/hotel/local food or something else that will put him off.

 

[Sarasa]

My mother railroaded me in booking a holiday for us this time three years ago. In the end I managed to cancel it, as by the time we should have gone, in June, she was in a care home.
I wish rather than saying I didn't think a holiday was a good idea, which ended up with mum having a major meltdown and my brother persuading me it would be OK to go on holiday and seconding his wife to go with us, I'd agreed with her and then kept on coming up with reasons, such as the ones others have suggested, as to why we couldn't. At least covid is a great excuse. Maybe say yes, a great idea, but let's go next year when this pandemic should have eased.
As it was, I was dreading mum realising we weren't going on holiday after all, but I turned up at the home one day and she asked me what I'd thought of the trip. I said it was OK, and she replied 'Hmm, it was all right but I think I'll go on my own next year.' It was never mentioned again

 

[Long journey ahead]

Thank you. I will try that approach. He doesn't understand or chooses to forget most things we discuss. I guess we will have the same conversation tomorrow when he sees the adverts on tv.
It just feels harsh keep dsying.. But you cant.

 

[DazeyDoris]

Just before Covid my husband who has Alzheimer's wanted to go on holiday to Portugal and kept mentioning it. I eventually played along and looked up flights, found a place to stay etc and said it would be best to go in two weeks or whenever it was as it was cheapest then, which was true. (Soon enough for it to be imminent rather than a long way off) At that point he quickly backtracked saying he'd prefer not to go.

I think he gets these ideas without thinking of what they actually entail, probably because he can't process things. Another one was wanting to get a bicycle. I'd got one and he could see I enjoyed going out on it, so he wanted one himself. Rather than say you'd have difficulty with traffic on the roads and the local trails would be a nightmare because of pedestrians and dogs (all true for him), I said great we can hire a nextbike for you (like Boris bikes) and go together. Of course it never happened.

 

[Lawson58]

You could also throw in a budget and start comparing prices, value for money etc.

Well known ambassador for Alzheimer’s in Australia said to her father (PWD) that he was looking well. His reply was that he should be looking great as he had just come back from a cruise. Of course he hadn’t been out of the nursing home but was convinced that he had.

 

[Banjomansmate]

What is it about dementia that sufferers think they are on a cruise liner or have been on a cruise? The Banjoman, who had worked on QE2 and other cruise liners, was totally convinced he was on a cruise ship when he was in hospital.

 

[lushr]

oh yeah mum wanted to go back to ireland to see family… we live in australia. i had only just taken her there as her final visit christmas. 2019 and she barely remembered any of it and was hassling me over and over.

in the end in one of her better moments i explained the stress it put on me and that we didn’t have the money, i was really frank with her and she understood and never asked again…. but that was months before i found the right way and right time to talk to her.

 

[Eogz]

, Not being truthful isn't the issue at all.
The biggest mistake made in a care home was to confront or try to win over an argument, we know how hard that is with people who don't have an issue (take a look at the comments on any Facebook post), but why would you do it to a person with dementia.
Like a good few people have already mentioned, go along with the idea, especially if you know it will come to nothing. It's a way of engaging with someone in their world. You can. Actually get a pleasant 20-30 mins out of it.
I see people in care homes, one lady tells me she is going home today, has for the last 20years. So rather than challenge I gather her views on the experience she has had, we talk about her feelings on the home rather than memories or any sense of the real world.
It's not lying it's engaging in someone else's reality.
Far more pleasant than correcting or devastating someone's world view during every conversation.
I wish more people were as aware as members of this forum are, there is lots of world shattering conversations going on when they just aren't necessary.
Just my experience that I wanted to share.

 

[MartinWL]

On the general thrust of this thread I agree with the distra tion and diversion approach but I suggest this is no good until the PWD has reached a fairly advanced stage. At an earlier stage it may not be possible to hoodwink the PWD into believing that for example an airport is closed - they can check online and find out that their loved one and carer is a liar, so that isn't going to help. It is a particular problem when the PWD wants to do something hazardous. Driving is a common one of course. My dad wants to use a hedge cutter to cut big hedges involving climbing a step-ladder and I would not risk pretending to go along with this because he wouldn't buy excuses and if I did something like taking the plug off he might repair it dangerously or arrange for someone to come and repair it. But he does inhabit an alternative reality in which he is capable of doing things that he used to do in the past and doesn't recognise either dementia related realities or the unwisdom of ladder work in your nineties.

 

[Long journey ahead]

My husband is in my opinion at an early stage of korsakoff so the combination of confusion and memory issues with alcohol withdrawels is tricky. He will not accept that He is poorly. He still thinks everything is normal. I know from doctors reports and regular blood tests that he is not well. His liver and kidneys are failing. He believes He is in complete controll of his drinking.

 

[lushr]

you are dealing with a whole lot.
if my dad had lived long enough to get dementia he would have been the same. he could never accept he was sick, it was like weakness to him.
your husband sounds like he is trying to retain his independence and control, which my mum also did. i had to just flat refuse and leave her in the care home, it was like leaving a child on their first day of school and she did not settle in for months.

but you also have his poor physical health to worry about on top of just trying to manage his ideas and intentions and the way he is changing. so that’s an extra burden.

im so sorry, i really understand how difficulg this must be for you.

there’s no magic potion i’m aware of that makes this all easier for you both.

in a care home drs can change his meds to get him more settled but it takes time and if he has lived damage there may be issues with what drugs they can give him. but a care home might not be where he needs to be yet, if you think you can manage him at the moment… but things can change quickly.

 

[Long journey ahead]

He has deteriorated so much in the last 6 months.
He has blackouts and when try to leave the house he feels faint and is sick. It's like living in egg shells daily now.
I wonder what will happen today. I wish the doctor would section him to take control of his drinking. That is his only hope now.

 

[jennifer1967]

look after yourself in all this.

 

[Long journey ahead]

I do try to look after myself as much as I can. If I could understand timescales my mind would settle easier.
we are both only 58 so too young to give up on life

 

[Grannie G]

Hello @Long journey ahead

We gave our car to our daughter in law to help her on the school run when I had to give up when my husband couldn`t be left for too long.

He was desperate to buy a new car and I trailed round car showrooms looking for another car. He had lost all concept of money and was horrified at the prices but we continued to window shop new cars for months.

Eventually I was able to persuade him it would be cheaper to use our bus passes for local travel and get taxis at other times.

I know this isn`t the same as the problem you have with your husband but I would get lots of travel brochures and look at them with him and keep planning for `after covid`. It will not last for ever although it may seem like that.

There was a carer on this forum who endured videos of The Sound of Music, almost back to back because her husband was so happy watching it.

It is worse because you are both so young. I wish there were timescales. It would make it easier for some people.

 

[Long journey ahead]

I have tried researching korsakoff but there doesn't seem to be much information about it. While it is a form of dementia the alcohol effects unfortunately seem to be severe.
His brain can not heal but his physical symptoms could if he abstained. The battle is because his brain is getting worse he doesn't comprehend most things now. Just a simple task like open a screw top baffles him