Not wearing glasses and undies!

[Thursdayschild]

Hi,

My wife, now just 66, has been in a care home for six months. A very painful decision to place her there as I had been looking after her for a long time. Cried my eyes out . Still, I kind of share the care with the home in that my OH is now hard to bathe being pretty scared of water. So I do that and take her out for nice walks - I am feeling a bit better. She knows I am someone special I think but cannot get my name or who I am - but is pleased to see me and sad to see me leave.

But we have a new problem I need advice on. My OH is now very reluctant indeed to wear underwear - no bra or pants! And now no glasses (and she is short sighted). I would get into a fight if I insisted and anyway she just takes the smalls off after 10 minutes. Staff have no more luck than me. OH I think finds any elastic/tightness disproportionately uncomfortable. I have tried every kind of bra and pants including a set of my own Calvin Kleins!. Preserving her modesty is tricky. She also will only wear lose sandals - come rain or shine.

Any suggestions? Is this a phase? Anyone dealt with this before? I kind of need to solve this otherwise going out in public is risky.

 

[Shedrech]

hi @Thursdayschild
I'm glad that you yourself are feeling better - it's not an easy transition to settle into new routines and find ways to be comfortable together
whenever I visit my dad, as I open the door to his room I call out 'Hi dad, it's shedrech, your daughter (sometimes I miss that bit out), thought I'd pop in to see you' .... so he can recognise my voice (hopefully) and begin to orientate himself to who I am
I appreciate the issue with your wife and knickers - there is 'all-in-one' type underwear available ie bra/vest and pants in one garment, which would be much harder for her to take off and wouldn't have a waistband, but may be trickier to get her to put on? - maybe try an internet search for all in one underwear, or visit your local M&S to have a chat with the staff there, there's usually one who specialises in helping with such questions - also, the staff at the care home may be able to point you in the right direction

 

[Tin]

You could try the sports bra type - not the expensive ones. Mum went off wearing bras, such a fiddle for her to put on so I turned to these. Or you could try the all in one, they have press studs and are not as tight.

No suggestions for the glasses afraid, I had the same problem, mum absolutely refused to wear hers, but strangely she was happy to wear sun glasses, made things very difficult when she insisted on wearing them in the house. I still try to get her to wear her glasses, but at this stage I have no idea what level her eye sight is at and I could not get her to have a successful eye test. Maybe your wife needs a new prescription.

 

[Jessbow]

Underwear...Unless she kicks her legs around I really wouldn't worry ( as long as she isn't incontinent) Really, does it matter? Who knows she has no knickers on? Does she wear trousers? If so i'd worry even less.

See if she'll accept a vest/ cami top rather than a bra...then progress to more structured ones.
If she isn't a very big lady really, it doesnt matter.

 

[canary]

OH I think finds any elastic/tightness disproportionately uncomfortable.

I think you are probably right. Some PWDs get stimulus overload and slight pressure is felt like its "digging in"
You can get all in one cami-knickers which might be acceptable and will be harder to get off, or could you try long kaftan type dresses which wont show that she not wearing anything underneath?

 

[canary]

I still try to get her to wear her glasses, but at this stage I have no idea what level her eye sight is at and I could not get her to have a successful eye test.

When mum was in her care home there was an optician who came out to the home and tested the residents eyes - often having to use techniques that you would use on babies. You can get opticians who will come to an ordinary home too.

 

[Beate]

I tell you what, I don't wear my bra all hours of the day. If im out, sure, if I'm in - not so much. So I can definitely understand that and I wouldn't bother with it with her. Knickers and glasses are a bit more important and I can only think she doesn't want to wear the glasses because they are not accurate anymore. Canary is right, opticians have lots of methods to determine eyesight without the conventional tests.

 

[love.dad.but..]

I can't help on the undies issue as dad was the opposite and layered up and very resistant to taking off. However with his glasses he went from being obsessive about wearing his glasses whilst picking up to carry anyone else's he found unaware that he already was wearing his completely not recognising his own ....to absolutely refusing to wear them as he declined as he no longer understood their purpose or need. His were varifocal and so he needed distance and short but we ...I care home and visiting optician...all agreed by that stage his brain probably wasn't computing visually what his glasses could help with and in any case probably more consistent visually that as he declined further his eyes adjusted naturally rather than the very odd occasion when we may have persuaded him to put his glasses on and his brain try to adjust to the varifocal. Sorry I don't seem to have explained that well.

Dad's glasses were broken by him so many times and the visiting optician had a specific test looking into the eye to take measurements of some sort...comparing with his then current lens...to determine prescription. Dad was not compliant or capable with a normal eye test.

 

[Tin]

I can't help on the undies issue as dad was the opposite and layered up and very resistant to taking off. However with his glasses he went from being obsessive about wearing his glasses whilst picking up to carry anyone else's he found unaware that he already was wearing his completely not recognising his own ....to absolutely refusing to wear them as he declined as he no longer understood their purpose or need. His were varifocal and so he needed distance and short but we ...I care home and visiting optician...all agreed by that stage his brain probably wasn't computing visually what his glasses could help with and in any case probably more consistent visually that as he declined further his eyes adjusted naturally rather than the very odd occasion when we may have persuaded him to put his glasses on and his brain try to adjust to the varifocal. Sorry I don't seem to have explained that well.

Dad's glasses were broken by him so many times and the visiting optician had a specific test looking into the eye to take measurements of some sort...comparing with his then current lens...to determine prescription. Dad was not compliant or capable with a normal eye test.

This was our experience and same conclusions. I can't remember if mum is long or short sighted, but back in the day she used to wear glasses only for reading and driving and as she does neither of these now it seemed pointless to continue. If she has any sight problems it certainly is not affecting our day to day living.

 

[Grannie G]

My mother began to feel more comfortable in vests instead of bras. I suppose a lot depends on the weight of your OH @Thursdayschild

So many people with dementia may have lost weight and there might be little difference between bra and braless.

The only possible solution I can suggest re the knicker situation is a larger size with a dropped waist and without elastication.