Not sure who I am dealing with

Discussion in 'I have a partner with dementia' started by Lladro, Jun 16, 2019.

  1. Lladro

    Lladro Registered User

    May 1, 2019
    27
    I can have sensible logical conversations with my wife, sometimes. Other times she will talk completely randomly about nonsense. Her mood can also change rapidly from being loving to being stand-off-ish and downright horrid. She will seem to be fully aware of where we are and who I am and then quickly demand to go home and need to ring "me" because I will be worried about her (even though I am with her). In summary, I never seem to know where I stand anymore and just when I think (almost forgetting the dementia) that we are having a "normal" conversation, like we have done for the last 30 years, she will do something that snaps me back to the present and I feel helpless again. We are 2 years 6 months following diagnosis and her random mood changes seem to have increased, as have other behavioural traits like moving and hiding things. Is this usual progression? I wish I knew which "version" of my wife I was dealing with ! Any thoughts or advice please? Thank you
     
  2. LHS

    LHS Registered User

    Oct 5, 2018
    59
    Yes what you describe is typical. The moments you still get which are almost normal you need to treasure. I had about 15 minutes this morning with my mum where we had an almost normal conversation which included a very funny bit which we both genuinely laughed at, cant remember the last time that happened. It may well progress unfortunately to her not recognising you, being aggressive or even accusing you of stealing things.
     
  3. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    68,900
    Kent
    I have plenty of thoughts @Lladro but sadly no advice.

    My husband`s mood swings were one of the most difficult aspects of dementia to deal with. It was just like flicking a switch. There were no triggers, no warnings and no reasons other than sundowning, if it was that time of day.

    All I can offer is sympathy and understanding.
     
  4. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    9,642
    Female
    South coast
    Yes, Im afraid this is very much progression of dementia. It is like a faulty light bulb which flashes on and off before it finally goes out. My mum could turn on a sixpence - sometimes even halfway through a sentence.
     
  5. Lladro

    Lladro Registered User

    May 1, 2019
    27
    I try very hard to treasure the "good bits", but the "bad bits" seem to drag me down. I have never, ever, in my whole life felt so bloody helpless and fed up at times. Just wonder what's coming next, scares the hell out of me...
     
  6. Lladro

    Lladro Registered User

    May 1, 2019
    27
    Thank you for your sympathy and understanding - don't get me started on sundowning - I dread early evening every day ! Flicking a switch is exactly how quickly it seems to happen - just wish that I could fix the wiring !
     
  7. Lladro

    Lladro Registered User

    May 1, 2019
    27
    Thank you for your reply. I guess I knew that it is part of the progression, just wanted someone else to convince me! Still makes me mad as hell about it though...all of it
     
  8. LHS

    LHS Registered User

    Oct 5, 2018
    59
    Try to stay strong for both of you but also allow yourself what i call 'upset' time because its not good to keep it all bottled up. 80% of the time i am practical and pragmatic, 10% i am frustrated and 10% i am upset.
     
  9. Lladro

    Lladro Registered User

    May 1, 2019
    27
    I think I may be 60% pragmatic, 20 - 20 annoyed and frustrated! I am also sat here typing, thinking that the only time I seem to get to myself (my wife went to bed early tonight - Yippee! ) I seem to spend on this forum ! Note to self: Must do other stuff ! Best wishes
     
  10. marionq

    marionq Registered User

    Apr 24, 2013
    5,654
    Female
    Scotland
    There has been no sundowning for 3 or 4 years now with my husband until the last few days. Various infuriating behaviours have been resurrected and yet I can't put my finger on the cause. Of course we all immediately wonder about some kind of infection but it may simply be another lurch down the road of dementia. This time though I don't think I'm up to dealing with the nonsense that goes along with it. Fortunately, and I use that word advisedly, he is weaker and less able physically to carry out some of his crazier ideas.
     
  11. maryjoan

    maryjoan Registered User

    Mar 25, 2017
    1,254
    Female
    South of the Border
    Yes, the only time I get to myself is when I check my banking and emails, and then come on here - the measure of how bad the day is, is by how often I come on here.....
    I imagine that is one of the reasons this site exists.

    We are here for each other.....

    I feel exactly how you do, so good luck...:rolleyes:
     
  12. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    9,642
    Female
    South coast
    Yes, Im another one who comes on here for a break, and the worse the day the more I am on here.
    It is somehow easier to blank everything out and put it into perspective.
     
  13. Sarasa

    Sarasa Registered User

    Apr 13, 2018
    364
    @Lladro, my mother is another one that can switch instantaneously. One minute we're having a joke and the next she is accusing me of all sorts. When we do have nearly rational conversations, which happens now and then, it reminds me of someone who has lived in another country for a long time, and though they are fluent in their mother tongue have to think carefully about sentence construction, word order and the right word to use. I am also very aware that I have to speak in simple sentences and can't assume that she will know things that I think she ought to know.
     
  14. hillyjay

    hillyjay Registered User

    Jun 14, 2019
    56
    I know, Lladro. It’s that sheer randomness of it all. One day I can have a normal conversation with my husband and, as you say, chat almost as we used to. On another day, take the same conversation and one of my comments or replies would send him into a bad temper, he’d shout and look at me as if I’m a piece of dirt. At times like that you wonder if they actually hate you at that moment.

    I can’t offer any advice as I’m somehow trying to deal with the same thing myself. I just want you to know that you aren’t alone and that I understand, as we all do here.
     
  15. Lladro

    Lladro Registered User

    May 1, 2019
    27
    Thank you hillyjay
     
  16. Lladro

    Lladro Registered User

    May 1, 2019
    27
    Thank you maryjoan - The measure of today is that I am on here at half past midnight...you are right. It does help to hear back from others
     
  17. Lladro

    Lladro Registered User

    May 1, 2019
    27
    Canary - how right you are...thank you
     
  18. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    9,642
    Female
    South coast
    Me too.
     
  19. maryjoan

    maryjoan Registered User

    Mar 25, 2017
    1,254
    Female
    South of the Border
    I met a guy - less than 9 years ago - very tall, good looking, polite, caring, very middle class in his ways, erudite, generous and always well dressed - not fashionable as such, but very well turned out. And clean in his ways, clean shaven, clean - as in just clean.

    This morning, I took the same guy his breakfast in bed, as he likes on Sat and Sun. There he was, with his scruffy white beard, and hair, slumped against the headboard, naked - with his cap on, tilted rakishly over one eye, and a bright pink, hand shaped fly swatter , that he carries everywhere,as he flustered about trying to swat a fly that would not stay still. This guy has not had a shower in a week, and his room stinks of unwashed person and unwashed clothes.

    What happened?

    Dementia Happened, that's what
     
  20. Susan11

    Susan11 Registered User

    Nov 18, 2018
    1,440
    Maryjoan I feel for you but I just don't know what to say. I have read many of your posts and you give so much good advice which has helped me when my time with my Mum has been difficult. But I am 70 so have been with my Mum for all that time. Nine years is a drop in the ocean. Your partner is very lucky to have you and I hope that he can still realise that some of the time
    Best wishes Susan
     

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