Not sure what to say

[huntsu1]

We have recently moved mum from emi residential care to a mixed nursing home, after mum's fall resulting in broken hip at Christmas she has been catheterised due to urine retention. On a number of occasions she removed the catheter herself during the night The district nurse was needed to replace which meant a long wait, often not arriving until 4:30 in the afternoon. So the decision was made to move her.

We have found a nice home where she is settling in better than expected but has been getting quite upset because 'mummy' and 'daddy' have not visited her. In the past she has asked how they were and had I seen them to which I would say they were fine buts its too hot/cold for them to venture out which seemed to settle her but this time she is just so sad that they dont come to see her (shes 88 next week) Any ideas on what I can say to help her over this.

 

[Nan2seven]

Oh, this is so sad to read. My husband (78) frequently forgets that his mum and dad are no longer with us. Your past method of dealing with your mother's requests is just not working this time, is it. I can't think of anything to suggest but do hope others will be along soon who can. Just sending you love and sympathy, Nan XXX

 

[Grannie G]

My husband asks for his mother every time I visit him. He also asks carers and residents when I`m not there.
It`s awful.
I usually say I`m not sure where she is but will try to find her.

 

[Christinec]

Hi,
My Mum also asks for her Mum and I try to answer as well as I can.

The answer which seems to work best at present is to say that her Mum is fine and asking for her but not getting out as she is old and frail so not able to visit yet but will come when she feels a bit better. My Mum seems to accept this and not be upset.

Alternatives are saying she has died (over 50 years ago) which makes my Mum upset or saying she is fine but then my Mum is sad because her Mum has not come to see her.

I do try to change the subject if I can but this is a constant recurring theme and the question can be asked every minute through a visit.

Best wishes

 

[BeckyJan]

Hello:

This may not work but with my husband I say 'how old are we now?' - remind him that he is 81 and then ask him old he thinks his Mum/Dad is. He usually takes a few minutes but might then say 'oh they are dead then!' and that moment passes.

He never seems unduly upset and it may not work everytime. Then I just change the subject or make up a story

It is a common problem and sadly no easy solution.

 

[Loopiloo]

My husband often asks for his Dad, he will awaken from a nap and say "Where's my Dad?" or "That's Dad at the door" or first thing in the morning ask where he is. He also often says "I miss my Dad". This implies he knows his Dad is dead, even if he forgets.

I talk around it, ask him what age he is and where does he think his Dad is. Or quietly say your Dad is dead. It doesn't upset him because deep down he knows that. Sometimes I say "Your Dad is watching over you, he loves you" and this seems to comfort him.

But everyone has to deal with this in a way they think appropriate, and if my husband became upset, sad, distressed by being gently remnded that his Dad was dead then I'd have to find another way of handling it.

Very difficult.

Loopiloo