Having a bit of a bad evening. It's was 7 weeks on Sunday that Dad died, yet it seems so much longer. On the 27 November it will be a year anniversary of the day he was sectioned. This is bothering me more than his passing. My husband said it's because with his deterioration towards the end his death was expected, but getting sectioned was out the blue. That makes perfect sense to me, and the firsts of everything is always hard, but this is weird, it's an anniversary yet Dad only died 3 months prior on 14 August. I've not come to terms with him being sectioned, dealing with the aggression in the mental health unit, being placed in seclusion for violence, all the drug trials, the hallucinations, the loss of legs, loss of swallow, bed bound, thickened fluid, pureed food, incontinence and bouts of pneumonia, death. Not knowing who I am, not knowing his wife, my mum who he had been married to for 50 years. All that happened in just under 9 months. I don't get it, this path happens to pretty much everyone with dementia but from what I have read over a much longer period. And yes, if it's going to happen then definitely the quicker the better. But watching, just watching and living a whirlwind it's enough to drive anyone mad. I am having a moment tonight that's for sure and I have no doubt there will be many more. I feel like I am torturing myself going through everything, even the day he died. The colour changes, the mouth movements, the waxy skin. I try and be strong for my mum, my children but not for myself. I just go into robot mode, push it to the side. That's easier. Sorry. I just needed to write this down. Maybe that's my way of dealing with it. I don't know.