Not posted for a while

Discussion in 'After dementia — dealing with loss' started by Red66, Oct 4, 2016.

  1. Red66

    Red66 Registered User

    Feb 29, 2016
    Having a bit of a bad evening. It's was 7 weeks on Sunday that Dad died, yet it seems so much longer. On the 27 November it will be a year anniversary of the day he was sectioned. This is bothering me more than his passing. My husband said it's because with his deterioration towards the end his death was expected, but getting sectioned was out the blue. That makes perfect sense to me, and the firsts of everything is always hard, but this is weird, it's an anniversary yet Dad only died 3 months prior on 14 August. I've not come to terms with him being sectioned, dealing with the aggression in the mental health unit, being placed in seclusion for violence, all the drug trials, the hallucinations, the loss of legs, loss of swallow, bed bound, thickened fluid, pureed food, incontinence and bouts of pneumonia, death. Not knowing who I am, not knowing his wife, my mum who he had been married to for 50 years. All that happened in just under 9 months. I don't get it, this path happens to pretty much everyone with dementia but from what I have read over a much longer period. And yes, if it's going to happen then definitely the quicker the better. But watching, just watching and living a whirlwind it's enough to drive anyone mad. I am having a moment tonight that's for sure and I have no doubt there will be many more. I feel like I am torturing myself going through everything, even the day he died. The colour changes, the mouth movements, the waxy skin. I try and be strong for my mum, my children but not for myself. I just go into robot mode, push it to the side. That's easier. Sorry. I just needed to write this down. Maybe that's my way of dealing with it. I don't know.
  2. Kjn

    Kjn Registered User

    Jul 27, 2013
    Oh red , goodness me you've a lot going on in your mind.
    Have you spoken to your gp?
    I know it works for some and not others but have you thought about talking to a counsellor , someone independent to talk to , just to talk things through with.
    Apologies if you've already thought about it, just sounds like you need to talk.

    Feel free to talk here , you arnt alone xxx
  3. Red66

    Red66 Registered User

    Feb 29, 2016
    Hi kjn, I haven't spoke to anyone except my husband. I try and block everything out generally sometimes on purpose. Sometimes because life looking after a 2 and a 3 ( 4 in November) year old kind of forces you to. It's weird. I went to a counsellor before Dad died, it was CBT, it didn't work for me, the problem was still there and they talked more than I did about colours and it was a bit hocus pocus for me. Sorry, I am feeling miserable at the moment, I was alright today but something on television earlier triggered it. Thankfully the kids will distract in the morning. Hope your ok as I know you too have your own problems!
  4. Kjn

    Kjn Registered User

    Jul 27, 2013
    CBt not for everyone, just someone who listens who isn't family. GP I worked for had own Inhouse one, she just let patients talk. You just need to talk, don't bottle up, block things .
    Talk here if you prefer, put how you feel in writing , start a blog here. Just get your feeling out. The children can mask your feelings keeping you busy but they arnt dealing with them , you are.

    Keep talking xx
  5. Red66

    Red66 Registered User

    Feb 29, 2016
    Thanks kjn xx
  6. Lawson58

    Lawson58 Registered User

    Hi Red,

    I haven't been through anything like your experiences of the last year and you have my deepest sympathies for all that you have suffered.

    There were different reasons why it happened but some time ago I really got quite depressed. My GP twigged that I was in trouble and sent me off to a psychologist for counselling. I was very apprehensive about this as I grew up in the post war years when the way people got on with their lives was to put a lid on the emotions and move on.

    Seeing a counsellor hasn't solved all of my problems but she has certainly helped me a lot. Yes, she allows me to talk but she also asks questions that challenge my thinking and which helps me clarify for myself the flaws in my thought processes. I now feel very comfortable talking with her and prepare for our sessions by keeping a journal of events and incidents and my feelings about them, not daily but just as I want to. This helps guide us in what I need or want to discuss.

    So you might it helpful and I wish you strength in the weeks to come.
  7. Harrys daughter

    Harrys daughter Registered User

    Jul 12, 2016
    Morning red im not able to offer much to you exsept to say greif is a difficult road to travel and isn't helped when other seem to go on with life giving you advice like time heals but it doesn't and it's very early days kjn is right empty your pain on here we all care xxx
  8. LadyA

    LadyA Registered User

    Oct 19, 2009
    Morning Red. It's easy to say that it's still very early days after your dad's death, and the whole trauma of what went before. It's still relatively early after his sectioning, and that was a big enough grief to handle. (having trouble with keyboard. The letter between "O" and "Q" isn't working, so bear with any missing letters!).

    I too think a counsellor or sychologist might be a good idea. I was fortunate during William's last weeks and after his death, in that I have a friend who has done some bereavement counselling, and was able to go to her or ring her any time. sychologists are trained to sort of kee us on the right track as we work through our thoughts and feelings. That can work in many situations. On our local radio station recently, the current affairs resenter was on holiday and his stand in was a guy that did another show on the station, a talk show. He is a sychologist. So many called the station to say how brilliant he was interviewing oliticians! Very gently, but very firmly, kee ing them to the questions he asked them, and if they waffled & fudged, gently bringing them back to the actual question again!

    Might be something to think about.
  9. sunray

    sunray Registered User

    Sep 21, 2008
    East Coast of Australia
    After a difficult illness and death it is possible to get a form of PTSD and it sounds to me as if that is what you are experiencing right now. If you get a counselor get one who specializes in that and see how you go. I had six counselling sessions about five months after Ray died as I realised I was stuck and couldn't go forward. I had the one hour sessions fortnightly, over a three month period. The counselor was Rogerian trained (mostly listened) and I found that better than being analyzed and told what to do. We are all different so hope you find a counselor that can help you.

  10. Angie1996

    Angie1996 Registered User

    May 15, 2016
    Hi Red so sad to read your post :(, I feel your pain, as another just posted it could be PTSD?

    And grief is a very powerful thing indeed, you have been living at such a heightened state for quite a few months, and now that your dad has passed away, you have now come crashing down.

    When my mum died last year it took me months to get some relative peace about losing her, I went through anger/regret/tears/lashing out etc, the list goes on and on....

    You are left with an empty place in your heart and your stomach twists around in knots and anxiety goes through the roof.

    My only advise is keep talking to people, do not bottle it up, let it out......

    Only time will be your saviour but its too early yet for you x

    Be good to yourself and be content with the fact you were there all the way for your dad, he would be so so proud of you!! x
  11. Izzy

    Izzy Volunteer Moderator

    Aug 31, 2003
    Hi Red. I just caught up with your posts. I'm so sorry things are so bad for you just now. I'm not much help but I think some good advice from others re PTSD etc. Wishing you strength.
  12. Red66

    Red66 Registered User

    Feb 29, 2016
    Thank you so much everyone for your posts and kind words. Certainly food for thought. Without realising I tend to 'park' my emotions, I suppose that's life going on around me that I have to deal with I push everything to one side. I suppose we all have good days and bad days, I don't feel too bad right now, yet earlier I was quite emotional. I shall see what tomorrow brings. I hope you guys are all ok, I know we all have our problems but it's good to know we can share on TP. Many thanks Red xx
  13. Gwendy1

    Gwendy1 Registered User

    Feb 9, 2016
    Hi red, just saw this thread. I think maybe it's only when the storm has passed that we are able to look back at what has happened, and have the chance to begin to deal with it. My partner and I both lost our mums within a month, both expected, but both diagnosed with terminal cancer 6 months before. I know that I still grieve, and I think that's okay, so does he. You had so much to deal with, in such a short period of time-be kind to yourself, and it's fine to be angry, frustrated, upset, confused,devastated, comes in waves. Thinking of you.❤️️X

    Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point
  14. Red66

    Red66 Registered User

    Feb 29, 2016
    Thank you for being so kind, I know that you are going through it at the moment. I hope you're doing as well as can be. I am sorry to hear that you and your partner went through such sad times together, keep supporting each other. You're right about now things are much calmer I am having a chance to reflect, I feel guilty for things that were out of my control. Stupid I know!! Xx
  15. twinklestar

    twinklestar Registered User

    Sep 14, 2014
    My mother passed away at the end of April. There have been various points since then when I have said to myself - I am doing really well here. Then it hits you out of the blue. Its feels like someone has punched you in the guts really really hard.

    I have just had one of those punches. I was off work last week and planned a few days away on my own to have some 'me' time, to think and to do what I wanted. Sadly, it did not go according to plan as I had D and V and felt really unwell. All my plans for rest and recovery went totally out of the window. I felt really kicked in the teeth, disappointed and angry. I am now back at home with the realities of life.

    I know the reality of the situation is that it takes time to heal. At the moment I do not feel sure about anything. Nothing is clear. Emotionally I feel drained. I just want peace and quiet and the minimum of fuss. Physically, I wish I could get my sleeping pattern back to normal. It is certainly better than it was but it could be a lot better. When I returned to work after mum died I returned to a new job which they cannot make their minds up about. We are currently doing some jobs on the house to sell it in the spring and I have concerns about my relationship with my boyfriend. In short, there is no aspect of my life that is not up in the air. Each day when I get up I hope and pray that something will sort itself out.

    My solution at the moment is baby steps. Perhaps if I get my sleeping pattern back to normal and I get some more rest I will feel better.
  16. Red66

    Red66 Registered User

    Feb 29, 2016
    Hi twinklestar, I totally agree, feel fine doing great, then bam, slap in the face and your off track. Crying/ miserable, for a few days, some days I can't cry just really low. Other days I feel a fraud, I am happy as Larry. Whoever Larry is!

    Sounds like alot is up in the air for you at the moment, without sleep you aren't going to be thinking clear that's for sure. I am not sleeping well and the nights I do manage to get more sleep than others I do feel better. It's so hard. I feel for you, perhaps you need to question before April did you have these 'concerns' with your boyfriend or is everything getting in the way of how you really feel.

    Have you considered speaking with your GP about your sleeping pattern or perhaps taking something herbal or calms even? Sleep is the root of all evil. Without it everything suffers.... Red x
  17. Aisling

    Aisling Registered User

    Dec 5, 2015

    Sorry Red, I just saw your post. I have sent you a PM.

    Aisling xx
  18. Jinx

    Jinx Registered User

    Mar 13, 2014
    Red, sorry to read your post and the hard time you're having. Grief is a real roller coaster and as we get on with life I think we do tend to push the sad thoughts away but then they come to the surface when you least expect and the roller coaster goes off on a another round of emotions. I think acceptance eventually comes with time, you never forget the bad times but happier memories come to the fore more often perhaps. Take the good advice others have offered and try and make time for yourself. xxx

    Sent from my iPad using Talking Point
  19. Hezzy

    Hezzy Registered User

    Sep 6, 2016
    I feel exactly the same as you Red, some times up and laughing then the next minute having a little cry.
  20. Red66

    Red66 Registered User

    Feb 29, 2016
    Hi Hezzy, hope you're doing ok. It's rubbish. Jinx you hit the nail on the head, thoughts do come to the surface when you least expect it and start crying in public places and end up with a big red face! Ha, Dad has a lot to answer for! Bless him xx

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