Not having a good day

Discussion in 'ARCHIVE FORUM: Support discussions' started by shauna, Jun 20, 2011.

  1. shauna

    shauna Registered User

    Sep 10, 2010
    I visited my mum today and she is much the same refusing to eat and fluid intake is not great.She is so frail and her body has become skelleton like. I changed her clothes today while i was there and i was so upset to see how thin her body has got its just unreal. Myself and mums sister spent a few hours with her today just holding her hand and giving her hugs and kisses.I was so upset leaving her and ive been crying all evening just cant believe how ill she is.
    It didn't help the fact that mums dentures were missing and nobody seem to know were they were ive asked the nurses to try and locate them.I cant understand how they go missing as ther is a container for them in the bathroom and surely thats were they should be put at night . I sometimes think staff can be careless and when things go missing they deny all knowledge.The trousers mum had on were all stained with what looked like dried food and of course i got annoyed and changed them. I also mentioned this to the nurse and let her know i was not pleased. My mum has plenty of lovely clothes and ther is no need for her to be left in stained clothes to me its not very dignified.
    Maybe i am being over sessitive about theese issues but i just want my mum to be as comfortable as possible for the short time she has left . If i dont speak up for her then who will. Sorry to go on and on but im just feeling so low and needed to let it out.

  2. Saffie

    Saffie Registered User

    Mar 26, 2011
    Near Southampton
    Oh no Shauna, I don't think you are being over sensitive. I think you are spot on. I haven't posted on the same thread as you before I don't think so I don't know if your mother is in a home or in hospital. However , as I am about to write on my thread about my fears about the home my husband is in, I feel for you in your concern about your mother. Of course you love her and want her to be looked after properly and as she would want to be cared for. with respect and dignity.

    I do hope you will be able to find someone to listen to your worries and help resolve them. In the meantime, I send you all love and good wishes. X
  3. kazza73

    kazza73 Registered User

    Feb 11, 2009
    Perthshire Scotland
    Shauna, I totally understand how you feel. Our loved ones are robbed of enough of their dignity by this horrid disease so little things like clean clothes etc matter all the more. They can't speak up for themselves so it is our job to do it for them!
    K xxx
  4. scarletpauline

    scarletpauline Registered User

    Jul 19, 2009
    I am so sorry that your mother was left in this state, I would have been upset too. I hope her denture has turned up now, love and hugs Pauline xxx
  5. Nanak

    Nanak Registered User

    Mar 25, 2010
    Brisbane Australia
    No wonder you are upset Shauna. It is difficult enough knowing our loved ones are ill without them being denied basic care.
    Just a thought... my Mum no longer is able to wear her teeth as her gums have shrunk with her weight loss. (The same thing happened to my Mother in Law). Do you think that is the reason her teeth aren't in? I may be barking up the wrong tree and if that is the case they should tell you and her teeth still should be with her things.
    You have every right to ask for your Mum to be clean and tidy.
    I hope you can get someone to listen to your worries.
    Sending ((hugs))
    missing what has gone and scared of what is to come
  6. BeckyJan

    BeckyJan Registered User

    Nov 28, 2005
    I am so sorry to hear how frail your Mum is but she will be comforted by your loving care.

    My husband's home is excellent and I have a good relationship with the carers. I do make it known to the senior Nurse if I am not happy with his personal care. Once I found him almost naked on the bed, open door and looking pretty rough. I explained that it not only upset me but was not good for their reputation should visitors go in or pass by his room. It has never happened again and there were sincere apologies.

    I agree with Nanak about teeth - my husband does not wear his all the time as they fall out (or he takes them out). Your Mum's should at least be amongst her things - unless they are caught up with the bedclothes.

    Please talk in a constructive way to the senior staff - I am sure you will feel better.

    Best wishes
  7. jackies

    jackies Registered User

    Jun 20, 2011
    Oundle, Northants
    I know just how you feel Shauna. I have found Mum in 'a bit of a state' on a few occassions and often seem to be doing battle with the staff and manager of her nursing home but am told that they have 50 other residents and can't spend all of their time with Mum...and that we must 'work as a team'. I do understand their point but like you want Mum to look nice and be clean. I don't mind doing it when I am there. I am still trying to get my head round all of this. Just a three months ago she was living alone in her bungalow and going to bingo most days. She has vascular dementia as well as alzheimer's together with other medical problems (insulin dependent diabetic for the last 40 years) but at 79 is the youngest in the nursing home. She is now doubly incontinent, hallucinates, sobs and can be quite aggressive verbally. I can't believe how quickly things are changing. I hope I can get some strength from these pages.

  8. kazza73

    kazza73 Registered User

    Feb 11, 2009
    Perthshire Scotland
    Welcome to TP, Jackie. I'm sorry you have had to come and join us due to your mum having this horrid disease but hope you will benefit from the amazing support that TP gives. My mum is only 63 but is in quite advanced stages, it makes me so sad to think that your mum is the youngest in her home at 79 as it looks like my mum will also be going into a home soon (at the moment she is in a psych assessment unit).

    Karen xx
  9. keep smiling

    keep smiling Registered User

    Jun 14, 2011
    jackie and kazza hi on this thread also,

    I have recently started following this forum and am finding it incredibly helpful. Jackie, my mother is older - 74 - but like Kazza'a mum is in hospital for psychiatric assessment and I have been really worried at her decline over the last 2 weeks that she has been there. The nurse told me that my mum is now doing the loo anywhere - that didn't happen when she was at home with my dad or when I was with her. Admittedly we had to help her on and off the loo but she was able to dress/undress herself appropriately. Now she can't. Also the nurse told me that they are having to 'feed' mum, although she feeds herself on the odd occassion that she sits at the table with some else in the ward who can feed himself. This worries me also as it seems that if she is surrounded by people who's condition is worse than hers (which for the most part she is), then she deteriorates at quite an alarming rate. Kazza and I have been having a thread conversation about who helps them with their 'mental wellbeing' when they are in a medical hospital wing (albeit for assesment.) I think being treated with dignity is so important.

    I hope you are ok.
  10. shauna

    shauna Registered User

    Sep 10, 2010
    Hi all

    thanks for all your advice and support

    Im hoping to see nursing home manager tomorrow and discuss my wories with him.
    I have a good relationship with staff and manager and most times am happy with the care. I am very observant and up front about my mum and am not afraid to speak up .
    maybe yesterday was a one off but its no harm to bring theese things to their attention
    and let them know how much it upsets me to see my mum like this. Respect and dignaty is so important to our loved ones and its up tp us to see that the get it.

  11. Nannybus

    Nannybus Registered User

    Dec 21, 2010
    My mother has been in a Care Home for four years. The very first week her teeth and glasses went missing, never to be seen again. Subsequently every piece of new clothing bought for her, was never worn and cannot now be found, despite being rigorously labelled. She was always stained and unkempt. I did take the manager to task about these issues, but felt so intimidated by him that I backed off. I didn't want them to take it out on my mother.

    The subject of clothes and possessions is no longer an issue, as she is bedbound and only really requires night clothes. After pressure from me, she is now in a nice new room, but before that had been moved from pillar to post and for months was in an old windowless room. She is a self-funder, so I was bewildered as to the reason why she should have been treated so poorly. She never gave any trouble.
  12. Carolynlott

    Carolynlott Registered User

    Jan 1, 2007
    Newcastle upon Tyne
    Hi Shauna,
    Just read your post and I could have written it about my Mum. She moved to a nursing home from an EMI residential home two months ago and she has gone downhill very quickly. She is eating almost nothing and her fluid intake is very low. She is also refusing her medication - even though it is in liquid form the staff find it very difficult to get it in her. She looks like a skeleton too - there wasn't much of her to start with but it is scary seeing her now. I just have an awful feling that this is the beginning of the end and I should be sensible and accept that with this disease she is bound to die sooner or later, I'm just not prepared. I posted a week ago about forced feeding but still don't know what the procedure is or whether it would come to that. I managed to get some protein milk drink in her yesterday - but too often tea and cakes are just put into her room and left, even though there is no way she can eat or drink on her own.

    I usually only visit once a week, but went both days this weekend. I would add that Mum shrieks and shrieks until she is hoarse - probably due to a finger-in-door accident a few months back - I'm sure that started the shrieking and she has carried on ever since and is extremely hard to manage. I found her last Wednesday wearing someone else's clothes even though her wardrobe is bulging with her own, all with name tags, and I took out everything that wasn't hers and handed them to one of the staff. By Saturday they had all been put back in her wardrobe again. I know it's petty and Mum doesn't know, but it's heartbreaking seeing her in things that aren't hers. Her belongings have vanished too - so I won't take any more in.

    Anyway on the positive side she really responded to me this weekend and seemed to know me - she even almost said my name and I just want to be with her all the time (not easy with a full time job etc etc) for however long she has.
  13. shauna

    shauna Registered User

    Sep 10, 2010
    Hi Carolynlott.

    I know what you mean about it being hard to accept mums state of health.
    I dont think anything prepares you for this i feel so helpless and guilty an i
    just wish i could take mum home and let her die in peace with her family.
    I just cant believe the change in her since been in the nursing home . She
    has lost 2st in about eight weeks.I think she knows who i am but some days
    im not sure.I am heartbroken my mum is my best friend and i miss her so much
    and i cant bear the thoughts of loosing her. Hope you are coping ok i look
    forward to reading your posts.

  14. sunny

    sunny Registered User

    Sep 1, 2006

    nothing prepares you for losing somebody you love. Just being there holding her and comforting her is all you can do now.
    You are in a high state of anxiety which is only natural at this time but it sounds as if she does not need her dentures anymore and obviously you want to see her clean and pristine at this time, but perhaps the staff dont want to keep moving her because as you say she is so frail and probably its not that comfortable being changed so they are trying to keep moving her to a minimum.

    Just visit and be there for her holding her hand - concentrate on that.
    xx sunny

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