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Not going in at night to visit again .....

Silver Lining

Registered User
Nov 20, 2013
I am very distressed at my Husbands dementia tonight, I am not going to visit at night again. Even though I know he can't help it he can be so hurtful, dare I say it because I will not "share a bed with him". After 48 years of marriage and his infidelity many years ago how can this disease make him so cruel to me.

After a day today /years/ of trying to do the best for him for him to be so shallow towards me is so hard to take, I know he can't help it but why why why.
Silver Lining.


Registered User
Nov 27, 2014
It all sounds terribly upsetting SL, and there are many issues for you to deal with. I wonder if it would help for you to get some counselling? Your GP may be able to help, or if you have a Carer's organisation locally it could be worth contacting them. Love and hugs to you. Es


Registered User
Apr 24, 2013
SL what is intriguing is that he is bad enough to be in a care home yet his sex drive is healthy enough to make him spiteful. This is indeed a weird disease which kills off empathy and care but hangs on to lust in some cases.


Registered User
Mar 13, 2014
Hug from me too, so sorry you're having to put up with this distressing situation.

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Canadian Joanne

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 8, 2005
Toronto, Canada
I think it's a good idea not to visit in the evening if the visits distress you so. Your husband is likely to be sundowning, which only intensifies the various behaviours. Much better for both of you if you visit when he's in a better frame of mind.
Thank you, the callousness of it all is unbelievable. SL
Hello Silver Lining, I am having similar problems with my husband of 48 loving years. We have taken him to a Home for dementia and Alzheimers, doing their best - we have seen it all before, they say. Its my first time to witness the progress of this horrific affliction.

Something deep inside his brain wakes up and utters words that cut me to the quick. About 'taking him there, when he doesnt want to be there; about me stealing his money and inheritance; about whose side are you on anyway. He was sexually demanding at home, but couldn't remember properly.

At the Home the disease makes him slide to the floor out of his chair and not get up. He grips our hands and wrists painfully, makes to bite us. I think he is so terrified of the disease and the changes happening to him, that these are some of the only behaviours he can manage to show protest at the loss he is experiencing. Yes, he is on medication, and we wait for MRI results to eliminate a brain tumour. Then the doctor will prescribe new medication.
Silver Lining - your husband is not being deliberately callous, it is the disease speaking. I also find myself beginning to fall out of love with mine because of what he utters now and again, almost every day.
I try not to look for the truth in what he says, he is confused, depressed and frightened. Perhaps your husband is too, like my husband is. :confused:
May the medication treat his depression and give him back some quality of life on this awful journey we are all on. Talk to his and your doctor about how you feel. Take care, look after yourself.