Not coping

[tango59]

My husband now 83 was diagnosed with vascular dementia a little over a year ago. I'm still working part time and have childcare on the days I don't work I only have one day a week when I don't have to go to work or pick kids up from school
Every day I care for my husband who absolutely refuses to have carers in to help me.. Added to this we are having major work done to our home. ie an extention so that when the time comes that he can't manage the stairs he will have a self contained room downstairs, hence why I'm still having to work to pay for all the alterations. Up to now I've managed however recently he's become extremely argumentative and lashes out when he doesn't get his own way. I realise he doesn't mean it and it's the disease but it's getting out of hand and he's been a bit hands on with the grandchildren who are only 4. He's not hit them yet just grabbed them but he's hit me a few times. As I can't deal with it I just take myself out of the situation and go to my bedroom but these situations are increasing and I'm not sure how much longer I can cope with it on my own. I often cry myself to sleep and I know he can't help it. There seems to be a lot of help out there for the patient but not a lot for the carer especially when the patient refuses outside help. I'm 18 years younger than my husband... I've worked my **** off to make his life better to the tune of 40 k so far and I know it's for better for worse but I feel my life is already over and I'm helpless to do anything about it

 

[Veritas]

I am sorry you are having such a difficult time of it. It's clear that you need help, and soon. Especially with small children involved, his developing violence needs to be managed by specialists. It's got to the point where his preference not to have carers coming in must be over-ridden by your need for back-up, and indeed to be safe.

It's likely that he is somewhat stressed by all the work going on (I've put off stuff in our house that needs doing, because I know that my PWD simply wouldn't be able to cope), but even so the threat of violence is a huge risk and you can't be expected to manage it. You've got more than enough on your plate at the moment, so ask your GP for an emergency referral, and get social services on the case. An emergency respite placement wouldn't be an outrageous thing to ask for.

 

[northumbrian_k]

Hi @tango59, I am sorry to read about your situation which must seem intolerable. What I don't think you can put up with is physical attacks on yourself or the grandchildren. The first has already happened and the second may happen any time. You must do something about this in the short term. Report any violence to the police and they will have to make a report to social services. You can't go on like this, as if you do the situation will only get worse.

I am sorry if this is not what you want to hear but you need to be hard-headed and realistic. That includes taking another look at your proposed longer term solution of self-contained accommodation. Will this work, given that your husband is so difficult to deal with? Perhaps it is time to consider whether a better solution for his sake and yours would be admission to a care home. This would give him a level of care and supervision that is beyond what you could possibly achieve on your own. It would also give you your life back.

 

[jennifer1967]

my husband has vascular dementia and is 19yrs older than me. i might be good if you talk to the doctor. my husband got aggressive as well but didnt hit me. i talked to the gp, she referred him to older persons mental health who prescribed memantine 2 years ago. since being on it, he still has his days but is so much easier to deal with. i wonder if this or something else could help your husband. be careful with little one. keep a phone charged just in case you have to phgone the police who are train in this sort of thing

 

[tango59]

The grabbing and lashing out isn't a regular thing it's only happened a few times. Most of the time he is sedentary and sleeps a lot of the time. The extension is finished more or less and we have moved into that room while the rest of the house is having adaptations. I really need advice on how to manage his outbursts. He lies constantly and I don't think that's the dementia I feel it's more to get his own way.
We don't have the same GP so my surgery is totally unaware of what's going on in my life. His surgery are the most difficult and unreasonable of any I've ever had to deal with and I work in Pharmacy so I know what I'm talking about. I have a telephone appointment with his Geriatrician in a few weeks so I'm going to try to hold on until then. It doesn't help that extended family are full of opinions and advice but never around to help.

 

[tango59]

my husband has vascular dementia and is 19yrs older than me. i might be good if you talk to the doctor. my husband got aggressive as well but didnt hit me. i talked to the gp, she referred him to older persons mental health who prescribed memantine 2 years ago. since being on it, he still has his days but is so much easier to deal with. i wonder if this or something else could help your husband. be careful with little one. keep a phone charged just in case you have to phgone the police who are train in this sort of thing

We were told memantine and donepezil

my husband has vascular dementia and is 19yrs older than me. i might be good if you talk to the doctor. my husband got aggressive as well but didnt hit me. i talked to the gp, she referred him to older persons mental health who prescribed memantine 2 years ago. since being on it, he still has his days but is so much easier to deal with. i wonder if this or something else could help your husband. be careful with little one. keep a phone charged just in case you have to phgone the police who are train in this sort of thing

my husband has vascular dementia and is 19yrs older than me. i might be good if you talk to the doctor. my husband got aggressive as well but didnt hit me. i talked to the gp, she referred him to older persons mental health who prescribed memantine 2 years ago. since being on it, he still has his days but is so much easier to deal with. i wonder if this or something else could help your husband. be careful with little one. keep a phone charged just in case you have to phgone the police who are train in this sort of thing

We were told memantine and donepazil wouldn't help with his type of dementia

 

[jennifer1967]

We were told memantine and donepezil



We were told memantine and donepazil wouldn't help with his type of dementia

the donepezil wont because vascular but the memantine is fine, it doesnt slow down or do anything to progression but will treat the symptoms of aggression. there are quite a few on this forum with different types of dementia that have been given this tablet. there are others as well. i was just sharing my experience of what they could do and what they did do as he has the same type of dementia.

 

[tango59]

When we saw the dementia nurse she said he wasn't a candidate for any drugs but I will ask the Geriatrician for another referral to memory clinic

 

[canary]

When we saw the dementia nurse she said he wasn't a candidate for any drugs but I will ask the Geriatrician for another referral to memory clinic

Or alternatively, the GP may refer him to the Community Psychiatric Team who are more used to dealing with medication to help aggression

 

[jennifer1967]

When we saw the dementia nurse she said he wasn't a candidate for any drugs but I will ask the Geriatrician for another referral to memory clinic

thats who my husband saw. memory clinic only diagnosed him and handed it to gp. no link since

 

[tango59]

Or alternatively, the GP may refer him to the Community Psychiatric Team who are more used to dealing with medication to help aggression

I'm in the process of changing surgeries to one more local to us because his surgery are useless and I've had to fight all the way to even get a diagnosis, if he hadn't fallen and broken the top of his femur last year I wouldn't even have got the OTs and physios that he clearly needed as he had an obvious stepping gait and had frequent falls. I've now got all that in place but only because of my insistence that he be referred. I will mention his agitation and aggressive behaviour to the Geriatrition when she calls. I've done some initial digging today re the memantine and apparently it will depend on your health board whether or not they go down that route or not

 

[Kevinl]

If he has a heart condition including high blood pressure, kidney issues or one of a number of other co-conditions certain medications cannot be safely prescribed.
That said, zero tolerance to violence, please take care.
K

 

[tango59]

He had a heart bypass 24 years ago as the op is only guaranteed for 15 - 18 years I think his arteries may be narrowing. He's had a recent heart scan which we haven't had the results of yet and he's also had a recent episode of raised BP after they changed his meds when he was in hospital. That is now under control and I'm monitoring it and the possible side effects. So yes i think that's maybe why they said he wasn't a candidate even though they didn't mention it was down to his meds they lead us to believe it wouldn't benefit his type of dementia