Gigi, so sorry things are getting on top of you, it does sound as if you need more help of some kind, I send you big hugs and love from Pauline xxxxxxxxx
Not coping that well...
- Thread starter gigi
- Start date
I never learn...
Why do I find it so difficult to reach out and tell it how it is?
I've been feeling so alone with my thoughts and struggling to stay on top of my feelings and deal with everything..today it all came crashing down again.
You're all so open and helpful. Thankyou for being here.
It's very hard when Eric will tell me that he loves me and all he wants is for me to be there with him every minute of the day.
It's impossible to explain that I can't do that.
Our marriage wasn't like that. We both had our individual lives and our married life together and it worked well.
I'm dithering...I know that. But I also know I can't spend the next x number of years living like this....
Love xx
Why do I find it so difficult to reach out and tell it how it is?
I've been feeling so alone with my thoughts and struggling to stay on top of my feelings and deal with everything..today it all came crashing down again.
You're all so open and helpful. Thankyou for being here.
It's very hard when Eric will tell me that he loves me and all he wants is for me to be there with him every minute of the day.
It's impossible to explain that I can't do that.
Our marriage wasn't like that. We both had our individual lives and our married life together and it worked well.
I'm dithering...I know that. But I also know I can't spend the next x number of years living like this....
Love xx
Gigi my love, sorry you are feeling down, have felt a bit that way myself recently, usually the prospect of sunshine my love;y garden usually pulls me out of the doldrums, it aint happpening this year, lets blame the volcanis ash, Hope your GP visit brings you some relief from the day to day , wish i could just nip in to chat with you, maybe one day love pam
Gigi, hi
My heart goes out to you and to Eric, the constant companion 24/7 with no break and no real company isn't what many marriages are meant to be like, I hope Mine is that way too and it drives me crazy, I totally sympathise, not much use to you but sending you support and patience.
I hope you get some respite soon.
Kind regards, Jo
My heart goes out to you and to Eric, the constant companion 24/7 with no break and no real company isn't what many marriages are meant to be like, I hope
Mine is that way too and it drives me crazy, I totally sympathise, not much use to you but sending you support and patience.I hope you get some respite soon.
Kind regards, Jo
Gigi, I'm so sorry you're feeling low. Be gentle on yourself, it's so hard to be positive all the time, so you're allowed to feel like this. As others have said, maybe now is the time to rethink what you're doing, and maybe you know that already?
Whatever you decide, we'll be here for you. I know it's not the same at all, but since Dad went into the nursing home I've got my life back. I feel guilty saying it, but I can relax in a way that I never did while we looked after him and my MIL. It took a while to adjust, and at first I just felt numb, but now I'm starting to enjoy the simple pleasures in life again.
So be honest with your GP on Wednesday, and see where it takes you. Thinking of you, love Sue x
Whatever you decide, we'll be here for you. I know it's not the same at all, but since Dad went into the nursing home I've got my life back. I feel guilty saying it, but I can relax in a way that I never did while we looked after him and my MIL. It took a while to adjust, and at first I just felt numb, but now I'm starting to enjoy the simple pleasures in life again.
So be honest with your GP on Wednesday, and see where it takes you. Thinking of you, love Sue x
(((dear Gigi))). I know how you feel, and you've comforted me on many occasions and given advice when I was in that kind of distress. You've tried to be such a hero, helping everybody else, but it gets to us all in the end. Pleeease now look at your situation from your perspective. You can't go on like this. You'll make yourself ill. Eric deserves the best, but so do you.
From a purely practical point of view, I think that going on anti-depressants and all the advice on this forum have given me a boost to come out of the "helpless/fate" mood and into "action/seek help" mood. I was very reluctant, because I thought "why should I be on that sort of medication. I'm not the one with the problem". I don't know your circumstances, whether you're already on them, but you need and are entitled to more help, in whatever form. Since my husband and I have both been on the "happy pill", Philip is much easier to handle, and I can cope much better, systematically working towards the help I need, instead of dispairing. I hate the thought of pharmaceutical help, but sometimes it's not that bad. It takes a while to kick in.
On an emotional level, I just wish you the strength to seek a life for yourself (that doesn't exclude Eric, I agree with many of the other voices: it might be time to consider residential care). Because you're worth it (sorry, L'Oreal), you are a wonderful person who needs to live.
lots of love - Kathy
From a purely practical point of view, I think that going on anti-depressants and all the advice on this forum have given me a boost to come out of the "helpless/fate" mood and into "action/seek help" mood. I was very reluctant, because I thought "why should I be on that sort of medication. I'm not the one with the problem". I don't know your circumstances, whether you're already on them, but you need and are entitled to more help, in whatever form. Since my husband and I have both been on the "happy pill", Philip is much easier to handle, and I can cope much better, systematically working towards the help I need, instead of dispairing. I hate the thought of pharmaceutical help, but sometimes it's not that bad. It takes a while to kick in.
On an emotional level, I just wish you the strength to seek a life for yourself (that doesn't exclude Eric, I agree with many of the other voices: it might be time to consider residential care). Because you're worth it (sorry, L'Oreal), you are a wonderful person who needs to live.
lots of love - Kathy
Gigi
I too am sorry you are struggling with your feelings. We have no control over our emotions, but, we do have control over how we react to them.
It may be difficult to gain control, but you will, perhaps not here and now but in time things will work out so that you make the correct decisions for both of you.
I am not posting much just now, I guess I am feeling weary and frustrated with how my life is controlled by factors outside of my control.
Some days I am more able to cope than others, it is the same for all of us, I know.
All we can do is support each other, as best we can.
Take care of yourself, my thoughts are with you and I send you my love.
Hazel
I too am sorry you are struggling with your feelings. We have no control over our emotions, but, we do have control over how we react to them.
It may be difficult to gain control, but you will, perhaps not here and now but in time things will work out so that you make the correct decisions for both of you.
I am not posting much just now, I guess I am feeling weary and frustrated with how my life is controlled by factors outside of my control.
Some days I am more able to cope than others, it is the same for all of us, I know.
All we can do is support each other, as best we can.
Take care of yourself, my thoughts are with you and I send you my love.
Hazel
Hello and Good Morning to the Guilt Monster!!!
Gigi, you sound at breaking point, you need to decide what is best for you (and thereby best for your husband) in the long run.
And whatever that is be assured you will get all the support you need on here.
Sending (((hugs)))
Kim
Mum 12,500 miles away
Gigi, you sound at breaking point, you need to decide what is best for you (and thereby best for your husband) in the long run.
And whatever that is be assured you will get all the support you need on here.
Sending (((hugs)))
Kim
Mum 12,500 miles away
Thinking of you this morning Gigi, and wishing you a calmer and lighter day than yesterday. Any treats on the horizon today?
Love from Deborah x
Love from Deborah x
.
I'm dithering...I know that. But I also know I can't spend the next x number of years living like this....
Gigi, you were like this before your last respite, almost at breaking point. You were almost ready then to admit Eric to a care home. Then he came home, and was so much better you changed your mind.
Please don't let this happen again, you can't go on letting yourself get to breaking point before asking for help.
You're right, you can't go on like this. Your own health is being destroyed, and Eric would not want that. You need seriously to consider full-time care. The home is happy to have Eric, and he is happy when he's there, now that he has a piano to play. And you'll still be visiting regularly, I know you will.
It's an awful decision to make, please don't think I don't understand that. In many ways I'm grateful the decision was taken out of my hands.
Now of course it's your decision, but please think of yourself as well as Eric.
Love and hugs,
I'm not up to answering personally all the lovely and supportive and practical comments yet.
It's been a bad day but perhaps some good has come out of it.
If I thought I had carer burnout before..then this has been worse...
Severe panic attacks and uncontrolled weeping. I'm feeling as though I've run of steam.
I can't tolerate sitting in the same room as Eric or tolerate his endless questions any more.
Last night I wanted to shout at him and tell him to go away and leave me alone.
I felt so ill thismorning I thought I was going to die and rather hoped I would...not good.
Phoned my mum and told her I wasn't in a good place today and wouldn't be round to sort her out..and cried.
She phoned my daughter who came racing round and just let me weep and talk and dribble on her shoulder...
We had a sitter for Eric so she saw to him while I tried desperately to pull myself together.
My daughter phoned Eric's SW...who rang me thisafternoon and has arranged for Eric to into respite early again.
A taxi will pick him up at 10 tomorrow.
The SW is coming out to see me next week to discuss the future.
My daughter is also going to phone SS to organise help for mum...who now realises that there's only so much one person can do.
A friend has just pointed out that I've been waiting for a crisis point...and this is it. I just didn't think it would be me who would crack
Love xx
It's been a bad day but perhaps some good has come out of it.
If I thought I had carer burnout before..then this has been worse...
Severe panic attacks and uncontrolled weeping. I'm feeling as though I've run of steam.
I can't tolerate sitting in the same room as Eric or tolerate his endless questions any more.
Last night I wanted to shout at him and tell him to go away and leave me alone.
I felt so ill thismorning I thought I was going to die and rather hoped I would...not good.
Phoned my mum and told her I wasn't in a good place today and wouldn't be round to sort her out..and cried.
She phoned my daughter who came racing round and just let me weep and talk and dribble on her shoulder...
We had a sitter for Eric so she saw to him while I tried desperately to pull myself together.
My daughter phoned Eric's SW...who rang me thisafternoon and has arranged for Eric to into respite early again.
A taxi will pick him up at 10 tomorrow.
The SW is coming out to see me next week to discuss the future.
My daughter is also going to phone SS to organise help for mum...who now realises that there's only so much one person can do.
A friend has just pointed out that I've been waiting for a crisis point...and this is it. I just didn't think it would be me who would crack
Love xx
Gigi,
I'm so sorry you have reached this stage, and angry that you have to reach a crisis before you get the support you need.
I'm glad the SW was able to arrange respite for tomorrow, but when she comes next week you are really going to have to show that this repeating cycle is too much for anyone.
I hope you have as peaceful a night as possible.
I'm so sorry you have reached this stage, and angry that you have to reach a crisis before you get the support you need.
I'm glad the SW was able to arrange respite for tomorrow, but when she comes next week you are really going to have to show that this repeating cycle is too much for anyone.
I hope you have as peaceful a night as possible.
Hopefully everyone can see now that this situation is impossible. You sound on the verge of a complete breakdown, and the powers that be need to take action.
I'm glad Eric is going for respite early again, and I hope you manage to keep the guilt monster at bay this time. You know it makes sense!
Thinking of you, gigi, I know how hard it is.
Love,
I'm glad Eric is going for respite early again, and I hope you manage to keep the guilt monster at bay this time. You know it makes sense!
Thinking of you, gigi, I know how hard it is.
Love,
Dear Gigi
So sorry that you have reached this point again. Thank goodness that your SW has arranged such quick respite for you. Ahead are some major decisions and I wish you all the best in making the right one both for yourself and Eric?
Love and a big HUG
Julie xx
So sorry that you have reached this point again. Thank goodness that your SW has arranged such quick respite for you. Ahead are some major decisions and I wish you all the best in making the right one both for yourself and Eric?
Love and a big HUG
Julie xx
Hi Gigi
I have only just caught up with your thread and am just so sorry you are feeling this way again.
It rang bells with me when I read you can't bear to sit in the same room as Eric - I felt exactly the same way about David - I wouldn't even let him come for a walk with me as I just had to get away.
However, now I am filled with remorse that I couldn't show David the same compassion I feel for him now he is in the Care Home. I shudder when I think of how awful I was to him and the dreadful things I said are coming back to haunt me!
I felt I hated David and the relationship would never be the same again, but I do still love him and am brokenhearted every time I visit.
Don't let yourself get as 'depressed' as I was when David went into care - I'm glad Eric is going into respite soon and hopefully you can relax a little.
The trouble is that when they go into respite you forget how awful it was when they were home (probably how I feel about David now).
Sending you love and (((HUGS)))
I have only just caught up with your thread and am just so sorry you are feeling this way again.
It rang bells with me when I read you can't bear to sit in the same room as Eric - I felt exactly the same way about David - I wouldn't even let him come for a walk with me as I just had to get away.
However, now I am filled with remorse that I couldn't show David the same compassion I feel for him now he is in the Care Home. I shudder when I think of how awful I was to him and the dreadful things I said are coming back to haunt me!
I felt I hated David and the relationship would never be the same again, but I do still love him and am brokenhearted every time I visit.
Don't let yourself get as 'depressed' as I was when David went into care - I'm glad Eric is going into respite soon and hopefully you can relax a little.
The trouble is that when they go into respite you forget how awful it was when they were home (probably how I feel about David now).
Sending you love and (((HUGS)))
Hello Gigi:
Oh dear I am so sorry you have reached this point but thankfully good has come from it. Obviously the urgent respite for Eric is needed. I am so pleased your daughter has somehow managed to persuade ? your Mum and/or ? SS that she needs help, thus releasing you a little.
Many of us reached crisis just caring for one, you have been trying for too long to care for Eric, your Mum plus the worries re your sons.
I trust you will see your GP tomorrow.
Love
Oh dear I am so sorry you have reached this point but thankfully good has come from it. Obviously the urgent respite for Eric is needed. I am so pleased your daughter has somehow managed to persuade ? your Mum and/or ? SS that she needs help, thus releasing you a little.
Many of us reached crisis just caring for one, you have been trying for too long to care for Eric, your Mum plus the worries re your sons.
I trust you will see your GP tomorrow.
Love
Dear gigi
I was going to start a separate thread with this, but I think - hope - it might help you to read it on your thread.
I know that a mother/daughter relationship is very different from a husband/wife relationship, but as you know, Mum moved into what turned out to be permanent residential care just before Christmas - 5 months ago tomorrow - and I want to tell you what it was like today.
Today, I drove to the home to pick Mum up to take her to an appointment at the optician's for an eye test. The optician's receptionist rang yesterday to make sure that she was still attending, so I took the opportunity to remind them that she has Alzheimer's, so probably wouldn't be very focused on what was going on around her - the receptionist said that she would make a note on Mum's records.
When I arrived at the home, they helped me to get Mum ready and I rang a taxi. When we arrived at the optician's, the initial tests were done by a lovely lady who had obviously taken note of what was on Mum's records, and she took special care while putting Mum through all the technical tests. We then went in for the examination, and again, Mum was tested by a lovely lady who was extremely patient with her. The slightly bad news is that Mum is showing signs of starting with a small cataract in one eye, but nothing to worry about at the moment.
From the optician's we went back to the home, and I asked them if it would be all right if I took Mum out for an ice cream on the sea front, as it was such a lovely day - absolutely no problem, but I was to be sure to take her back as they would miss her if she wasn't there. And no problem with returning in time for tea, as they would keep something on one side for her.
So, off we went up to the sea front - no ice cream van, but there's a branch of a well-known burger emporium up there, so we had ice cream and fizzy drinks in the sunshine, enjoying the sea views and watching the gulls and starlings scavenging round the car park. Then we went on a circular tour of the town, just enjoying each other's company and the lovely weather, stopping off to get some jelly babies for Mum to take back with her.
As it happened, we arrived just in time for tea. I kissed Mum on the cheek, and then the staff took Mum into the dining room and got her settled for her meal, giving me the opportunity to return to my reality and my real life away from her and the home.
The point I'm trying to make, gigi, is that I now get to see the best of Mum - the carers at the home take care of all the gruelling, demanding side of caring that drains family carers so much. I dip into Mum's life on a regular basis, I feel included in the bigger family that Mum now has, which consists of the residents and staff at the home, but - so importantly - I have my own life now, I can pursue my own interests, I can socialise with my friends.
Mum still has me, but I'm now one of many who take care of her, and I'm a different person from the sobbing wreck who took her into the home back in December. I'm pretty much the person I was before the Alzheimer's became evident.
Going down the residential care route is so hard, I know, but maybe the time has come to give it some serious thought, gigi. You owe it to yourself to take good care of you too. If you end up driving yourself into the ground, who would look out for Eric then?
Love and hugs
Christine
xxx
PS Sorry for the endless waffle!
I was going to start a separate thread with this, but I think - hope - it might help you to read it on your thread.
I know that a mother/daughter relationship is very different from a husband/wife relationship, but as you know, Mum moved into what turned out to be permanent residential care just before Christmas - 5 months ago tomorrow - and I want to tell you what it was like today.
Today, I drove to the home to pick Mum up to take her to an appointment at the optician's for an eye test. The optician's receptionist rang yesterday to make sure that she was still attending, so I took the opportunity to remind them that she has Alzheimer's, so probably wouldn't be very focused on what was going on around her - the receptionist said that she would make a note on Mum's records.
When I arrived at the home, they helped me to get Mum ready and I rang a taxi. When we arrived at the optician's, the initial tests were done by a lovely lady who had obviously taken note of what was on Mum's records, and she took special care while putting Mum through all the technical tests. We then went in for the examination, and again, Mum was tested by a lovely lady who was extremely patient with her. The slightly bad news is that Mum is showing signs of starting with a small cataract in one eye, but nothing to worry about at the moment.
From the optician's we went back to the home, and I asked them if it would be all right if I took Mum out for an ice cream on the sea front, as it was such a lovely day - absolutely no problem, but I was to be sure to take her back as they would miss her if she wasn't there. And no problem with returning in time for tea, as they would keep something on one side for her.
So, off we went up to the sea front - no ice cream van, but there's a branch of a well-known burger emporium up there, so we had ice cream and fizzy drinks in the sunshine, enjoying the sea views and watching the gulls and starlings scavenging round the car park. Then we went on a circular tour of the town, just enjoying each other's company and the lovely weather, stopping off to get some jelly babies for Mum to take back with her.
As it happened, we arrived just in time for tea. I kissed Mum on the cheek, and then the staff took Mum into the dining room and got her settled for her meal, giving me the opportunity to return to my reality and my real life away from her and the home.
The point I'm trying to make, gigi, is that I now get to see the best of Mum - the carers at the home take care of all the gruelling, demanding side of caring that drains family carers so much. I dip into Mum's life on a regular basis, I feel included in the bigger family that Mum now has, which consists of the residents and staff at the home, but - so importantly - I have my own life now, I can pursue my own interests, I can socialise with my friends.
Mum still has me, but I'm now one of many who take care of her, and I'm a different person from the sobbing wreck who took her into the home back in December. I'm pretty much the person I was before the Alzheimer's became evident.
Going down the residential care route is so hard, I know, but maybe the time has come to give it some serious thought, gigi. You owe it to yourself to take good care of you too. If you end up driving yourself into the ground, who would look out for Eric then?
Love and hugs
Christine
xxx
PS Sorry for the endless waffle!
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