No one thought to tell me my dad had been diagnosed with dementia!

[traibabes]

A week has passed since I knocked on my 87 year old dad's door for a surprise visit, only to be told by a neighbour that he had been taken into care with dementia, and his house cleared of it's furniture LAST MAY!

We have never had a traditional father/daughter relationship, since he walked out on me, my mum and my sister 39 years ago. We would ring each other sometimes, I would visit when I could, I don't drive, and he lives 2 bus rides, a train, and a tube away. He'd be invited every year for Christmas, but came only once, about 4 years ago. His partner, (my step mum) of 35 years, died about 5 years ago. I would usually give him a call at Christmas, but this year I didn't, as my Christmas plans were changed this year, and I didn't have the opportunity. We had also fallen out slightly, as he had said some rather wicked things about my dead mother/his ex wife, and implied that I might not be his daughter after all! With hindsight, this was probably the onset of his illness, but he had always been quite spiteful where mum was concerned. Hindsight is a wonderful thing

So last week, it was my birthday, so I thought I would give him a surprise visit. My niece was off work, so offered to drive me, and my youngest son wanted to see his granddad.

Imagine, visiting your parent, to find they had been moved out of their house, and into a home, and NO-ONE told you! When I got to the home (the neighbour kindly gave me the address), they were surprised to see me, as they thought my dad had no relatives, or at least none that were interested in him! A man was there, who introduced himself as Simon. He had befriended my dad, through his son who had done dog walking for dad. When dad had had a couple of falls (again, no-one told us), and then had an accident in his car, this Simon had got Social Services involved. He told me that dad had given him phone numbers in Devon and Dorset for my sister and I, when in fact we both live in Bedfordshire. Unsurprisingly, he couldn't get hold of us. In my opinion, this was laziness on the part of Social Services - they took the word of an elderly man instead of making proper enquiries. If you Google my dad's name, the 1st 2 hits are 192.com, but the 3rd is a direct link to our family tree, as my sister and I have done lot's of geneology research into our family, as it is a really, really rare name, and unique only to my family. So, I was even more surprised when we queried why they hadn't made more of an effort to find us, they told us they hadn't needed to because they had tried the numbers they were given so didn't need to do anything else, and anyway, they didn't use google!!! I AM FURIOUS! They've emptied his house of furniture, because they said he had no will. I'm pretty sure he did have one, as he knew the problems of dying intestate, after my step mum died. Not that we would be able to find it now, because his furniture has been taken. Whether or not they left all the other stuff behind is another matter, because we can't get into the house for legal reasons to try and find anything - it's a nightmare, and I don't know where to begin

Sorry that was long, any ideas? I was angry last week, but I've allowed myself to calm down now to be rational. I'm thinking about complaining, or reporting them somehow, or maybe even getting my MP involved. Someone has really dropped the ball, oh, and conveniently, his Social Worker went on 3 weeks holiday from last Friday! Sounds to me like damage control - or am I being paranoid???

 

[Noorza]

It is a very difficult situation, I'd imagine but don't know, that if your father had a telephone book social services would have looked in that to get the details of relations.

Did they consider that your Dad still has mental capacity at the time they took him into care, if he did, they would have to respect his wishes in terms of who to contact.

What would you want to achieve by complaining? He will still be in a home and the furniture still gone. Have social services said where the furniture has gone to? I think I'd be looking to see what can be done from here though I would be asking for an explanation as to what has happened, how and why.

Is the house owned by your father? Does it have to be sold for care home fees?

 

[Saffie]

If you Google my dad's name, the 1st 2 hits are 192.com, but the 3rd is a direct link to our family tree, as my sister and I have done lot's of geneology research into our family, as it is a really, really rare name, and unique only to my family. So, I was even more surprised when we queried why they hadn't made more of an effort to find us, they told us they hadn't needed to because they had tried the numbers they were given so didn't need to do anything else, and anyway, they didn't use google!!!

To be fair, I really cannot see that SWs have the duty nor the time to search through Googleto find addresses of people, they are not private detectives. They are usually very busy especially when short-staffed as I understand they often are.
There was obiously a long lapse since your last visit if the house was cleared in May.
Were you not puzzled by not having a response when you rang?
There has obviously been a lack of communication somewhere along the line.

 

[jeany123]

Unless you would have done things differently, perhaps having him to live with you, I would just enjoy visiting him in his CH, I shouldn't think there is anything that you can change now,

Saffie is right SWs do not have the resources or manpower to look for lost relatives they seem to be overstretched as it is,

Best wishes, Jeany,

 

[LizzyA]

Perhaps it would be better to try and build a more positive relationship with your dad from now on rather than complain about people who are doing a very difficult job and may just be respecting your dads wishes. I'm not really sure what you want to achieve by complaining - and if you haven't been around or in contact with him for such a long time it does seem an odd thing to want to do.

 

[tom0591]

No one told me that my Dad had advanced dementia or what problems to be aware of, although I was his 24/7 carer for 8 years and we lived together for 26 years after my Mum died.

I think that I have something to complain about , because I loved and cared for my Dad.

Just exactly what do you think you have to complain about when you hadn't bothered to visit him for nearly a year ?

" they were surprised to see me, as they thought my dad had no relatives, or at least none that were interested in him! "

A reasonable conclusion , I would have thought ?

 

[beech mount]

Ditto Tom.
John.

 

[CeliaW]

Hi - its a difficult situation and several people have raised valid points.

I have read your post several times and wonder if you could clarify something for me please?

What exactly is it that concerns you?

Obviously there is more to this than you can possibly share in one post but I wonder if you could give us an idea so we could maybe give more targetted advice?

Are you concerned that your father had to manage with the help of (thankfully) neighbours and locals as there were no family members involved or in significant contact with him?

Is your concern for your father being in the right care home and with the wherewithal to be able to stay there?

Is your concern that there are items maybe in the house that you would like to have access to and/ or you feel there is unfinished business re the property / possesions that you would have preferred to be contacted about?

If you could give us a smidgeon more detail it might help us give you some relevant responses.

I hope your Dad is happy in his care home - after all, I am sure that is your main concern,

Celia

 

[CJinUSA]

Very sorry to hear about the shock, confusion, and maybe embarrassment you went through while trying to see your father. That must have been very hard.

Not knowing what were the causes of the family break-up long ago nor the lack of communication since then, it's hard to know what you might be wishing to accomplish by complaining. It sounds like your father had no clear record of how to reach you and your sister, or surely you'd have been reached. It sounds like even though you knew how to reach him, you didn't do so for many, many years.

With his first wife gone, and then his second, and without children in his life who were there for him (for whatever reason), he found himself thrust into the hands of a friend (thank goodness) who helped him find folks who could help figure out his best interests.

If they have cleared his house, then he probably needed the money to support his care. Surely at this point you mostly want to be sure he is well cared for. It's not too late to make amends with your relationship to him. If you have children yourself, they will benefit from seeing what a loving relationship might occur, even after such a long lapse.

I'm sorry you were surprised by all this, but your father's wellbeing is what seems to me really to be at issue, at this stage.

 

[cobden28]

I was in a similar situation myself with regards to my Dad, now deceased - he'd have been 95 now had he lived.

Fifty years ago my parents were divorced very acrimoniously and his mistress, later second wife and the named 'other woman' in the divorce made Mum's and my life so intolerable that Mum was advised by professionals it would be best for young Susan (me) if she went to live as far away from our hometown as possible. I was thus thererfore not allowed any personal contact with Dad, other than 'thankyou' letters at birthdays and Christmas, as his second wife forbade my name and that of my mother to be even mentioned in the house. Certainly Dad's second wife's intolerable jealousy of anything to do with either me or my Mum was the reason I wasn't allowed to invite my own father to my wedding some forty years ago There was certainly some 'bad blood' between my Mum and dad's second wife so maybe this was for the best .

My half-sister thus grew up not knowing I existed because my name wasn't allowed to be mentioned. I'd grown up over the years without any personal contact with my Dad apart from 'thankyou' letters; anything more wasn't allowed 'in case my wife finds out' so Dad always told me, which I think is rather sad.

My sister came down to meet us in 1996 bringing Dad with her; this was the only time Dad ever saw his only grandchild so the photo's taken that day are very precious. Contact with my half-sister gradually dropped off to nothing because we have nothing in common apart from the same father, and it was one of Dad's old pals from years back who contacted me to say Dad had been taken into residential care because of dementia.

I went up to visit Dad in hospital in 2004, when the 'senile dementia' as the specialist stated in writing, had been diagnosed for two years, and this was the last time I ever saw my Dad - he died in 2005 and I travelled up north for the funeral which was very. very sad for me.

Dad had written a will long before his dementia, so there wasn't any question of it not being valid, but of course nobody knew whether he'd written a will or if he had what was in it, until the day after the funeral when my sister and I jointly went to Dad's solicitor. Is the existence of a possible will worrying you, especially what may or not be in it? Until such time as your father passes away you'll never know the answer to this one, but if you have any idea who his solicitor is (maybe his friend who used to walk his dog might know who this was?) perhaps you could write to them stating your relationship to your father and asking that you be kept informed about your father's affairs.

I'd suggest you provide proof of who you are when contacting your father's solicitor, just in case. Although, what if your Dad didn't contact you previously because he genuinely lost your phone number, or maybe he'd specified for some reason to his solicitor that perhaps you weren't to be contacted?